What She Told Her
by OptimismIsGood
Summary: Kristen and Dakota The Runaways movie: A final night of filming, a four city tour. My gorgeous, talented co-star, tons of chemistry and one looming obstacle.  Uh-oh, I'm in trouble. This is a work of FICTION - DakotaStew - R&R  Constructive Please
1. Blurred Lines

A/N: This is a work of fiction. Settings and dialog conceived around the clips and print interviews for the independent film's promotional tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

All KPOV

We were all in my trailer. She was standing next to the wardrobe rack, grabbing a costume by the garment's edge, pulling on it, howling with laughter.

D:/ "-sitting around on those couches, the Japan backstage set while the techs were re-wiring the glass for the upteenth time. And Stella-" She gasped in mid laughter so hard, she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Yeah, yeah", D's laughter was infectious. "Stella went to sit on the edge of the couch, on the arm, and she misjudged the width of it and fell. Onto Scout, who'd been looking the other way, her face- freaked, -happened in her blind spot, this body just lands on her." I roared, and D collapsed, bent over forward, tears streaming down her face.

Oh, God, it felt great to laugh, even though we'd been laughing all day. In between shooting, laughing, looking around, knowing it was all going away.

When the work day was done we stood around as crew started to disassemble and pack equipment. We took turns going to each others' trailers and chatting, hugging, not wanting it to end; the day, night or the project. The last trailer we all wound up in was mine, the girls were talking with us, and were the last to leave, except D.

"Car service s here" C said, glancing at her Blackberry. When they were making their way to the door, J grabbed me, at my waist, leaning in.

"K, I'll chat with you soon, definitely before promo starts." She glanced toward D, then looked at me, meeting my eyes. Her voice lowered to just above a whisper, "Be good."

I knew what she was getting at. She slipped her hand across C's back as they descended the stairs of my trailer. C turned around with a wave and wink to me.

I flopped down next to D on the couch, "Uh, what a day- , fun, hilarious, but difficult, too."

D:/ "Yeah, I'll never get used to the end, it's always tough."

She looked over at me, I smiled, I was exhausted. "You comfortable, Ok for a few minutes, I wanna step out, have a quick smoke?"

D:/ "Sure, I'm good, go ahead."

I felt around my pockets for a lighter, and reached for the door handle.

I descended the stairs and looked up at the dark night sky.

I lit up and inhaled, after a long day like today, it's so satisfying. That smoothing of the edges, excuse for a deep inhale, the rush as the nicotine hit my bloodstream; I instantly relaxed, at least temporarily.

I was enjoying being outside. it was late enough or early enough in the morning, by this time, it had cooled off, considering how hot it was during the day. I finished my cigarette and ascended the stairs.

I was hyped up, but had started to wind down.

Inside my trailer I looked at her.

"D, you tired?"

D:/ "Yeah, somewhat, I am."

I walked to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and sat down next to her on the couch.

"You ready?"

K:/ "No" She sighed, looked over at me. "Can we sit here for a while?"

"Sure," I said. She leaned into my side, and rested her head against the couch.

LATER

D:/ "I should dig out the name of the hotel where we going."

"I got it, its in the Blackberry, I just don't feel like moving yet."

An hour later, we walked the hallway to our suites. The tired, sad feeling started to come over me. I didn't want the shoot, this night to stop, not yet. My suite number appeared first, hers was next door on the same side. I glanced up as we walked past my suite door and I looked at her and gestured for her key card. She handed it to me, and we stopped in front of her suite door. Insert, light and click, we were inside. As I closed the door, I reached for the Do Not Disturb knob hanger and slipped it onto the door handle, closed the door and turned the deadbolt.

I looked around, and rolled her bag to a stop. I turned on the light in the bedroom, to bring some life to the space.

I walked over to where she was standing. She was looking out french doors that lead to a private balcony. I reached for the knob. It was locked. I unlocked it and swung the door open and motioned for her to walk out with me. The late night, early morning sky was the same deep, rich, blue black I witnessed earlier and despite all the urban life teeming in this metropolis, I could see a lot of stars. "It's beautiful out tonight" I said as we leaned our weight on the railing, our arms bent at our elbows.

D:/ "Yeah, I think I just got my second wind" she said. "I'm not tired anymore."

"Same here, I just needed some celestial beauty, this sky, to reach in and wake me up."

It was warm and I motioned toward the double lounge chair. She walked over and sat down.

"I'm gonna see what's in the kitchen, what do you want?"

D:/ "Sparkling whatever."

"Be right back."

I returned with glasses.

"Hey, scoot over, make room" I laughed and sat down.

I handed her a glass.

"So, no parent, good for you."

D:/ "No, kidding.

"How'd you swing that?"

D:/ "The shoot's local, no different than back and forth to school." She continued "And they said Ok about this, 'cause it's just an extension of the shoot."

"Cool. It's weird that it's done, isn't it?"

D:/ "Yeah, it feels like it just started. We crammed so much into such a short time."

"There was definitely stuff I had no idea how I was going to pull off, but it worked out."

D:/ "I was thinking as the girls were leaving, does it blow your mind they're real, we saw them everyday. I'm wondering if that's gonna ruin me for the next project I do."

"Kind of a drag that not everyone got what we got."

D:/ Yeah, I thought of that, especially Stella."

"If they hadn't been here, I may have struggled to interpret some of the subtler parts of the story."

D:/ "Geez K, some of the subtler parts? So much of your part was nothing but subtle."

"How did I have it in my head, I was teasing J. Ambiguity, rich in contradiction, this but not quite, that, but not in a traditional sense."

D:/ "True, and not just ambiguous but unspoken. I guess visual was the only way to go with that. Can't write dialogue for unspoken."

"It was the only middle ground between their two disparate personalities and ways of being in the world. Plus, visual is almost always more powerful."

D:/ My favorite was having a conversation about not having a conversation."

"So funny, at the same time, I get it."

D:/ "No kidding, if there was a constant, it's that they weren't going to settle for what other people settled for."

"Absolutely, taking on unknown and risk. They both made choices not easily categorized, outcomes up in the air at best. I have to ask myself, how much courage did it take to move in directions that were so overwhelmingly unknown."

D:/ "Across the board."

"Oh yes" I turned my head toward her, and caught her eye.

(Pause)

D:/ "Seems we each got half the story, isn't the joke 'there's what I say happened, there's what you say happened, there's what everyone wants to believe and there's the truth."

I laughed. "Yeah, I heard that one and you get points for being both clever and right."

D:/ "So, I got C's side, details from her, plus her book. You got J's side, and then some" D laughs, "But we've not put the stories together."

D:/ "Well F did, she had to find that illustrious middle, to be able to fictionalize. "She had background. She got it all."

D:/ "So, without giving anything away, tell me something key, that you used."

I thought for a minute.

"Ok, it was in Seattle. My ass we numb. I couldn't imagine why I was sitting on a tile floor in a luxury hotel bathroom until much later, when it made sense. Some memories are almost tangible and can be a catalyst for an understanding beyond what they are on their face.

How we were saying, visual can have more impact than language; during that long night on the floor, I was taken with how much reverence she has for people's feelings. She feels deeply, that blew me away.

Obviously, she told me about the time period, the events, the creativity, the world as she saw it, and the relationship. She has a lot of respect for feelings as energy, for physical attraction, and chemistry. She moves in the direction of energy, like a compass needle to true north.

Playing music was something beyond what we usually associate with rhythm, melody, notes, pitch, tone, etc., More than identity and creative expression. The physicality combined with all the other elements igniting something I don't even know how to begin to describe. But it's draw was irresistible to her, and her story irresistible to me. She lives following those instincts, follow the energy."

"But this was the kicker, as she talked and gave details she didn't assume anything about my history, background, opinions, point of view, nothing. It was so compassionate, no awkwardness. It could've been a nightmare. After reading the script, I did wonder if while gathering backstory, would details be difficult, but it turns out, my concerns were for not."

"Sometimes, people don't know how to get past specifics. Human experience is so beyond that. She framed language around what all people share; attraction, desire, touch, skin, proximity, closeness, fear, vulnerability, fulfillment, the universal stuff we all feel."

"I saw she believes and lives all love is sacred, we're all the same, no one is above, no one is below, and how we choose to be a channel for experience and creativity. It's the same with feeling. She built a life on a belief that she could be successful at something that "felt" right, while being told those doors were closed to her. I wanted to make 'connection to feeling' something tangible, not just as passion, but as something with a broader reach, does that make sense?

Ok, your turn."

D:/ "Let's see, there were quite a few stories, but I'll narrow it down to one."

(Pause)

"She told me this after we watched a daily or an early cut. It was an afternoon at the pier with those great boardwalk games. I love that place. She described how in many ways they had aspects of a typical high school friendship, with the bonus of attraction."

"It's was a beautiful day, they're enjoying being outside. The pier, the games, all the fun atmosphere, being away from rehearsal, and school. She spoke of how free she felt, and part of the freedom was ignorance. Bigger realizations had not been made, she hadn't yet connected the culture's prejudice to what was little by little revealing itself. She was living in the blurred lines with someone she was drawn to and connected with."

"During this iconic day in an idyllic setting as was or is J, she's testing the limits when the opportunity is there. During a playful, teasing exchange of touching and affection, caught up in the moment, a kiss between them. She becomes aware they are outside in daylight and they can be seen.

She talked about how torn she felt. At once, free and in her body but jarred awake to the prying, judging eyes of the world. A world's judgment and labeling that didn't feel authentic to her."

"Wow, you got some recall, Fanning."

D:/ "Yeah, well it was a look in to how she could be two people, when I, hey-, you're-, you're messing with me, really?"

"No. (Pause)

Kinda (Pause)

Yeah, but I-"

D:/ "Do you want to hear the story?"

"I do want to hear you tell it, yes."

D:/ "You have to make it up to me, say something nice."

"You could not be more attractive than you are when you're engaged in something that's meaningful to you."

D:/ "Do you mean that?"

"Yes, you have no idea."

(Pause)

She seemed to sense the gravity of my words. For a couple seconds she didn't say anything, not sure how to go forward. But, the consummate improvisor she is, she was right back at it.

D:/ "Ok, you're off the hook.

So, it's her first realization of being judged in this context."

"The shock, the pull away, the denial, was just as hurtful to both of them. It was a conditioned reaction, not even something she felt she did willingly or knowingly. She didn't understand her own reaction, and lived with that, until two decades later, when she finally got to put language to it."

"Lastly, since this is only between us, I mean, she wrote a book for God's sake, but still, it was implied that I'd be discreet. So I'm a little apprehensive. You may have heard something similar, I don't know."

"Of all the uncategorized, 'unspoken' that permeated however anyone would define or describe their relationship, one consistent remained, and I loved this. J insisted one element was always the same, it had to be personal.

I liked that this was understated, it speaks for itself.

Seems J could live with the unconventionality, the twists and turns, but when they were alone and 'it was on' the one deal breaker, she would not go forward until C would invoke her name."

"That's sexy, I hadn't heard that."

D:/ -Wait, that's not the best part. She said it was that, that consistent mandate, made her realize-, their relationship was grounded in something meaningful."

"I'm not surprised, it's the bridge between J being feeling based and C acting impulsively, her own kind of intuition. Kinda prophetic, going forward and seeing the result in retrospect."

I was winding down, but didn't want to interrupt the atmosphere, move or spoil the mood. I was enjoying being here with her, alone.

"Are you comfortable?"

D:/ "Sure, the balcony, this view, no deadline or place to have to be. Couldn't be better."

LATER

I woke up, no idea how long we'd been asleep on the balcony, but she couldn't have been that comfortable.

"Hey, D, sit up, it'd probably be a good idea to stretch out inside, if it gets cold." She seemed to hear me, she stood up.

Inside, I asked her if she wanted to get anything from her suitcase-, well, I guess not, as I watched her pull back the comforter.

She kicked off her shoes and let them drop to the floor. I removed the watch from her wrist and set it on the bedside table.

I pulled the covers up to her shoulders, she moved her hand to mine. In a half asleep ramble said "You're staying, right? Don't go."

Immediately, I was craving a smoke, but opted instead to fight the urge induced by anxiety and habit, and just get some sleep. I slipped off my shoes and crawled in.

I laid awake staring around the room, my mind not yet still enough to let me drift off. I didn't want to toss and turn. That can be so annoying when someone is trying to sleep.

Instead, I got up and ventured to the balcony. I sent a text to Mom to let her know I was shutting off the Blackberry.

And, a quick text to my manager to request late checkout. I didn't want to be concerned about the clock tomorrow. I had a smoke, mesmerized by the view, the sky hanging over the rolling tide that never let up, framing the horizon.

The cigarette helped to relax me. I put it out in the ashtray on the table beside the lounge chair. Wow, it was late when I looked at the time. I was ready to go try to sleep.

Back inside, the room was eerily quiet. I was still wide awake. I waited, to see if I'd drift off.

Maybe I'd sleep better if I went to my suite.

Time passed, I don't know how much.

I turned my head toward D and whispered, 'Kota, roll over." A slight (Pause), she stirred and without hesitation, slid over to fill the empty space between us. I don't think she woke up or opened her eyes. She just found that spot and settled in.

My heart pounded. I wondered briefly if the sound would wake her up.

A few minutes of methodical breathing, I was finally able to relax my arms and legs, I took one last deep breath.

I don't know how much time passed, but eventually, I drifted off.

Later, I woke up, despite being on my back, I had managed to fall into a deep sleep.

D was laying 2/3 into my side, my arm around her shoulder. She had an arm across my waist and her right calf, ankle and foot draped across my calf, ankle and foot.

She was deep in sleep, her body completely relaxed. I could set a metronome to her breathing.

Her heart was beating against my rib cage, I marveled that she was here like this.

She didn't move or stir.

My mind raced; What of when she wakes up? Will she feel uncomfortable? Self conscious? Justification kicked into high gear.

This isn't THAT MUCH DIFFERENT than all that quasi-intimate, stylized, calculated posing we do for the photo shoots and pr saturated, red carpet and promo events.

My mind continued to reel; We're dressed, we're just not upright. Well, and there are no cameras.

I'm probably over thinking it, I reassured myself. I wanted to just absorb how it felt, an unexpected side road that our time together had taken. I decided to just relax, I closed my eyes and eventually drifted back to sleep.

I was later awoken when D stirred. I opened my eyes as she started to lift herself up.

"Hey, you OK?" I asked, my hand on her back.

D:/ "How did I" she asked "I uh, don't remember-"

I was anxious and struggled to get words out.

I moved my hand up and down her spine reassuringly, smiled, "it's Ok right, this is Ok?" was all I could manage. I hoped to coax her to lay back down.

She settled back into the same spot, turning her head the other way.

D:/ "Another hour, we can have another hour right?" she asked, drowsily.

"Yeah" I whispered, "no rush."

Within seconds she was back asleep again, and I had a reprieve. I wanted to stay awake and revel in having her here with me. In my mind, I could hear an imaginary clock ticking down, my sadness was on the verge of returning.

But, I drifted off and when I awoke she was already awake but hadn't moved. Her eyes were open and she was wrapping the edge of the sheet around two of her finger tips. She must've felt my breathing shift when I woke up.

D:/ "You were deeply gone there K, like you could've slept for at least a few more hours."

"Oh, I could've."

I looked at her and smiled. I really needed to move around. Mostly, I needed to get circulation back in my right arm.

"Hey, do you mind, if you can raise up, I need this arm" I said, smiling not wanting to draw too much attention to our positioning in case it made what may already feel awkward in the light of day, more awkward.

D:/ "Yeah, sure" she said, a little nervous laugh as she lifted up.

I bent my arm at the elbow and stretched my right side.

I thought about how much I wanted to brush my teeth, but didn't want to get up yet, extending this if I could.

I looked at her, took her hand and turned on my left side, pulling her arm around my waist. "I don't want to get up yet, OK?" I said.

D:/ "OK," She slipped into the space against my neck, back and legs, her arm resting just under my ribcage.

I closed my eyes and went back to sleep.

I'm not sure what time it was, or how I heard it at all, but someone was knocking on the suite door. I got up, pulled the bedroom door almost shut, opened the suite door. It was J.

"Hey-" I said, as she looked me up and down, her eyes darting away from mine just briefly to the suite's main room, and to the bedroom door.

J:/ "Hey, I called your Blackberry. Check out is in like 10 minutes. Housekeeping was in your suite-" She doesn't finish her sentence.

"Yeah, sorry I was asleep, I'm a little incoherent. Kota is out like she's dead.

Someone extended the reservations, so there's no rush. Can I call you later?"

I didn't want to read too much into her look. However, my mind flashed on those brief seconds when we were in my trailer last night. This is exactly the scenario her comment implied, and here I am.

J:/ "Yeah, sure go back to bed" she smirked with a shake of her head. "Call me later."

I rolled my eyes, "Hey, you're lookin' at me like-" I let go an exasperated exhale, "never mind" - I'll call you" I said, as she headed toward the elevators.

I closed the door and turned the deadbolt. I walked into the bedroom. I saw D asleep on her stomach, one arm stretched across my side of the bed. I was wobbling from exhaustion and just wanted to collapse into oblivion.

I don't know how long we slept. When I opened my eyes, I was on my side with my arm around her waist. She had washed up, changed clothes and the front of me was up against the back of her. Great way to wake up, I thought when I opened my eyes. I guess she heard my breathing shift. She flipped around and smiled at me.

D:/ "Hey, are you awake this time?"

"I don't know, do I have a choice" I said as I took her hand and turned over, pulling her in for a few more minutes. She inhaled and gently said, "-you must be really tired."

"I don't want to let this go yet-" I whispered and fell back to sleep.

An hour later, I had gone to my suite and changed clothes, and we were ordering room service. She held the menu out of my reach, tempting me to wrestle it away from her. Her arm was stretched over her head.

"D, you don't want to get me started, I can take you."

D:/ "Oh, yeah, why do you think so?"

"Three brothers, and I'm taller so my reach is longer" I said as I went for the menu. She struggled to get away, trying to crawl while holding it over her head, laughing.

"Oh, hey, did you call home?" I shouted out, randomly.

D:/ "Yeah, done."

Good, I thought as I smiled at her, the last thing I needed was her parents' concern on top of what was already weighing on my mind.

I lunged for the menu, and pushed her backwards on the floor, as we struggled, she tried to crawl away in a scramble. I laughed and stood up, taking steps in the same direction was much more advantageous than crawling.

D:/ "Hey, no fair" she exclaimed, "get back down on the floor. No running in the house" she yelled, laughing.

After room service came we ate on the lounge with plates balanced on our laps.

I slipped on a pair of sunglasses as the view in the sunlight was blindingly gorgeous and also just blinding.

She was in jeans and a t shirt. Warm, relaxed, girl next door. Like when we were working, but without the seriousness.

D:/ "What are you thinking about?"

I don't answer her, instead I moved my plate to the side table, stood up and walked to her side of the lounge, motioned for her to scoot forward. I sat behind her, leaning against her back, resting my palms on the top of her legs, resuming our closeness. She sighed with a "-mmmm" as I leaned against her, while she finished brunch.

We sat in the bright sun, I didn't feel like I needed to say anything.

LATER

I forced myself to look at the time.

We had car service scheduled in a little less than two hours.

I stood up, "Are you done?"

She nodded, putting her cloth napkin on her plate. I grabbed my plate and put both of them on the counter in the suite's kitchen.

I sat down next to her on the lounge.

I waited.

After a minute passed I said "Hey, you alright?"

D:/ "Just bummed out, I was having fun."

"Me too."

I extend my arm, motioning for her to slide over and she puts her head against my shoulder.

"We got cars coming for us soon, I wanted to tell you-,

I could not have enjoyed myself more-, I hope to see you when were both home."

D:/ Yeah?"

"Yeah"

D:/ "And, we'll get promo, right?"

"Sure, we're getting the band back together. Aww, not even a courtesy laugh?"

She smiled at me but didn't say anything.

I continue, "Plus, we got the other project, a couple days at least, that's coming up."

She nodded.

I let the conversation drop. We both silently acknowledged the shoot and our time together for now, was done.

LATER

I stood up, and glanced at the time.

"I'll give you some time to yourself, gonna run over to my suite.

I'll come by when you're ready to go. I wanna do a couple things, pack, make sure I have everything."

I wasn't looking forward to walking out of here, letting this go. However, to say it was optimum and unexpected, was an understatement.

Well optimum would've been-, but considering, I'd have to say pretty close to optimum, yes and unexpected, totally.

And, working together again wasn't that far off. I didn't focus on how bummed I was to have to let go.

Car service arrived and I put my arms around her before she slipped into the sedan. I got into the back of the SUV that arrived for me, and I watched from he darkened window of the second seat, as her car pulled away.

Promo day 1

I arrived at the hotel, and was headed up the elevator when my Blackberry sounded.

I looked down, it's was a text from her.

I scrolled as I walked to my suite.

Insert, light, click and I was inside.

I rolled my bag to a stop in the suite's bedroom and sat down to text back.

Moments later, I opened the suite door.

D:/ "Oh wow, you made it" D said as she held out her arms.

I grabbed her hand and pulled her to the other side of the closed door.

I'd learned not to do anything in public that I could do in private.

It hadn't been that long since I saw her but to say I was glad to see her was an understatement.

Her face was a full on smile when she moved to put her arms around me.

She's was warm and soft and I wondered how I got through a day without feeling her close to me, but perish the thought because if I was lucky, I was about to get back in the bubble.

In my mind, my head went to-, no don't go there, just be here I thought.

"Hey, are we due in the makeup and wardrobe suite, like now?" I asked.

D:/ "Yeah, I think so, I was heading there when I detoured to meet you."

"Ok, so I've gotta freshen up so I can sit with a make up person up in my face for 40 minutes.

Also, change clothes, can I meet you there?"

D:/ "Sure" she stands up and I go to her and pull her in for a couple brief seconds of her close to me. "I'll see you in a few minutes."

I walk her to the door.

A whole day, gaggles of press shuffling in and out of the large meeting room. Questions and photos. I didn't mind the photos. They gave me cause to pose with her. I was being paid to touch her, well not exactly but it was Ok to touch her and smile, which I'd be doing like a crazed teenager anyway. This was the best part of work during promo for this project. The questions were a balance of what I'd deemed Ok to reveal; the history that became the script, my interpretation of the characters, while hoping to downplay the sensationalist crap some of the media was fixated on. I did my best to dodge off topic schlock that would eventually, one day end.

Morning and afternoon filled with questions, broken up by a lunch break, more flashes, posing, and finally, handlers called end of day. We were done.

I stood, extended my thanks and goodbyes to the people who had helped out, checked that I had my Blackberry and looked to D.

"Ready?"

D:/ "Let's go."

The studio's PR woman said "Check with your people later, an assistant will send tomorrow's itinerary."

We walked to the elevators.

D: "Hey, she looked across to me, "that was pretty painless."

I laughed, "More photo ops would've been Ok with me."

D:/ "I get that" she laughed.

"I didn't get to ask, how you are?"

D:/ "I'm good, how are you?"

"Good. Better now."

"You wanna go to dinner somewhere?, we can get a car-"

D:/ 'Sure, think the concierge can recommend a place?"

"Oh, I don't want to be rude if you have a pr person, or someone's here?"

D:/ "No, just me."

"Ok, I'll call the concie-" just then my Blackberry rang, I looked down. "Hey, I'll catch up with you in a minute."

"J, what's goin' on? Yeah, you?

Tomorrow, we don't know yet.

Sure, I can make some time. If I need to, I'll ask someone to smooth it over, Ok"

Walking toward the suites, my head was reeling.

A few minutes later, a taxi arrived and we took off.

"We haven't been to dinner together yet, I don't think, right?"

D:/ "No, this is a first."

My mind is drifting, J's call harshed the bubble.

A summons for a conversation I don't want to have.

I caught myself drifting away, but returned my attention to the moment. I don't want to think about tomorrow now.

We ordered. I looked at her across the table, hoped I wasn't staring. She is beautiful.

She caught me drifting away for a brief second.

D:/ "Hey, where'd you go" she said.

"I'm here, looking at-, you look beautiful" I hoped to strike that balance between what I'm feeling, and shooting for subtle.

She smiled and put her hand over her heart, and took a breath.

Back at the hotel, walking to our suites, I looked at her before we reached her door.

"Hey, eh, so, got your key card?" I held out my hand.

She handed it to me. Insert, light, click and we were inside.

We walked to the suite's settee, and sat down.

I looked at her.

D:/ "What are you thinking about, K?"

I scooted toward her and put out my hand, she took it.

I scrambled to get the words out "Time has gone by-, didn't know if maybe I'd be getting in the middle of- "

D:/ "No, I would've mentioned- "

"I, I didn't want to assume- "

I didn't prompt when we saw each during that couple days on set of the other project. Tons of people were around all the time. Her shoot schedule was so short, I blinked and she was done.

When we were both at home, we chatted from our parents' homes. But, our schedules never did sync up.

"D, you been out on the balcony yet?" I rose to open the doors and see the view.

"It's nice, the hotel after the wrap was nicer, that balcony was more private" I held the door open, "come outside."

D:/ "Wait, let me grab a blanket."

My mind kept drifting to tomorrow. I couldn't shake it.

We sat outside, a one armed chaise, a great night sky.

"Here, I drape half the throw over her, and see if she wants me to-, I'm hesitating, feels like a struggle, it's awkward, mostly my confidence is not easily accessible this instant and I'm nervous all of a sudden.

She sees my struggle.

D:/ "K, let me make this simple, come here."

She moves up against me and takes my hand, pulling my arm around her shoulders.

D:/ "See, that was easy, are you tense?"

"Yeah, kind of."

D:/ "What's that about?"

"Before, we worked up to this over a number of weeks, time has gone by-"

Putting words to this should alleviate my nerves but it seemed to not help. My breathing ramped up.

She slipped out from under my arm, shifted around on the lounge leaning against the chaise and pulled me in, with my back to her.

She draped her arm around my neck and rested her head over my shoulder.

D:/ "So spill it K, this is me, not just anyone, and this seems unusual for you."

"It's not that much of a stretch that some thing might've shifted and one of us would have our ass hanging in the wind."

D:/ "Well, it doesn't seem like it has, don't think you have to worry about that."

"Ok, I guess, I've not walked in with assumptions and been pleasantly surprised."

D:/ "Well, another first then."

"No set, script, call sheet commonality everyday."

D:/ "Yeah, that crossed my mind, too, anything else?"

"No, I think that's it, for now."

D:/ "Ok, so just be here for a few minutes, settled, quiet, enjoy the bubble."

I took a deep breath, and tried to relax, I closed my eyes.

My anxiety continued to climb.

"D", I said as I tried to turn around, maybe repositioning would help. I turned on the chaise, and laid down between D and the couch back. She reclined and I was full length against her with my head on her shoulder. This was what I wanted.

D:/ "You OK, finally, you can relax?"

It seemed at first like my anxiety was subsiding. I took a deep breath and tried to let the stillness settle my mind.

As much as I wanted that, seemed it was not meant to be. I could not keep the emotion at bay.

I was overcome somehow, was I going to cry? I didn't know what this was about, was it relief? My body had a mind of it's own just then and I didn't know how to manage it.

I wasn't going to be able to hold back, she could feel emotion coursing through me, starting to roll in waves as I tried to maintain. My heart was pounding, and my breathing was starting to get erratic.

D:/ "Hey, hey, breathe, breathe through it, let it be what it is. Relax, breathe.

She said repeatedly, soothingly.

I needed to sit up, NOW.

I shifted around yet again.

In my head, a blatant parallel of what this was similar to added to my anxiety.

D:/ "Just breathe, close your eyes and breathe."

A few minutes passed, I was slowly regaining my composure but I wasn't yet calm.

"Can we do-, sitting like before?"

She leaned her back against the chaise arm and pulled me in, my back to her.

"Breathe, don't think about anything."

I was a little more relaxed, but still anxious and in my head.

How could I be in the bubble, like this?

When she was done reciting the calming words and we just sat, I was amazed that she could be so still and not move. No nervous energy, just tranquil.

A few minutes passed. She moved and slid her hands down my back, and up again, repeating this to the top of my shoulders.

I got what she was trying to do and although it felt great, it had more than one effect.

It felt better than I could handle. Anxiety mixed with images in my head. I needed to stop her without hurting her feelings.

When her hands reached the end of my spine, I reached back and placed my hands atop hers.

"D", I lowered my voice-, "let's get outta this room. I'll explain while were walking, Ok?"

D:/ "uh, I guess." She's a little taken aback by the shift in atmosphere.

I walked toward the door.

"'Goin' down to the front desk for a quick second, grab something you want to walk in, I'll be right back."

D:/ "Sure." She looked at Me, a tentative smile. I stopped before I got to the door, and walked back to her, and pulled her in close for a couple of seconds. "It'll make sense, trust me."

At the front desk, I asked about the foot path, the grounds, etc.

Back at her suite, I grabbed her and we made our way down stairs.

The pathways that snaked along the edge of the hotel's property were accessible, manicured and beautifully lit.

"This is good, the night sky, deep, blue black" I said as I looked up, "and the endless scatter of all those incredible stars."

We were walking in a few minutes of silence.

D:/ "So, how are you? She glanced at me while she reached for my hand.

"I might have some insight, I'll try to explain, but I feel really close to it."

D:/ "Ok, only if you want."

"It meant a lot to me, your calm-, my being in whatever someone would call what that was-, a tsunami of exposure-, felt like it was gonna take me out."

I enjoyed the motion of walking. And, that she had reached to hold my hand.

I was still nervous, feeling how much temptation was behind the 'Do Not Disturb' knob hanger. Among other things.

D:/ "Good, I was glad there was something I could at least try."

"I'm all over the map tonight, while we're outside that room, it's easier to say certain things.

Earlier, that-, fear, expectation, me in my anxiety-, when I get in that, well- "

(Pause)

We walk for a bit, twenty or so steps.

"A bunch of things seem to be connected, I think, and, I don't know how to draw this distinction, so it may come out jumbled.

In that room, the balcony, behind closed doors, or where ever, whenever, how do I say this-"

"Yes, reach for me, touch, be yourself, I love it, love how it feels. But I might need to ask you, if I ask you to pull it back, it's not 'No' -, -it's a little less."

"And, if the evening hasn't been jam packed enough, J has summoned me, it harshed the bubble.

I don't know what I want to say about that, 'cause I don't want to think about it."

We walked twenty or so steps.

"More than you bargained for I bet."

D:/ "Maybe, but no big deal. This is life, it's complex, it's unexpected, right?"

"Right, unexpected."

D:/ "It's good unexpected, too." She grasped my forearm with her other hand while we walked.

"Well that's the backstory on the meltdown my normally calm exterior."

Later, in the hotel corridor, insert, light, click and we were inside.

D:/ "Balcony?" She queried, as she walked toward the double doors.

I stopped her with a hand at the side of her waist.

She turned around, I lowered my voice, looked in her eyes.

"C'mon, let's go to bed."

Her eyes partially closed, she took a deep breath, reveling in the sound of the words. She took my outstretched hand.

I pulled back the blankets, crawled up onto the bed, and I started moving pillows. I was a little nervous.

D:/ "What are you doing?"

"I want to sit up but not straight up." I hoped that she couldn't tell that I was stalling.

D:/ "We're going through this again" She laughed "K can't get comfortable, the sequel."

"Very funny, give me a minute. I know I've already tried your patience for one evening. This one here, another, no three is fine, and, three there. Ok."

Leaning into the pillows, I extend my arm.

She glances over before she gets in next to me.

D:/ "I gotta get up later, you know."

"Sure, we'll do the whole make up removal, sleeping attire thing. We can take turns. I'll keep your side warm, but you'll have to hurry."

D:/ "So, why not just do that first?"

"It's mood, atmosphere-, I was taken in the moment as you walked to the balcony. I wanted to-, I don't know how to say this eloquently-" I let my sentence trail off.

She waited while I searched for the words.

"I was overcome in the moment, I wanted to be-, I didn't know how to get here, except-, that was the only thing that mattered right then-, this, like this, right then, now." She seemed relieved that I was done stammering, reaching for words.

D:/ "Good. I wouldn't have known in a split second how to get here either. But, the difficult part is done, right?"

"I hope so" I said and we laughed.

"Some day, kinda long, with the travel and everything."

D:/ "It was, but I think it went well. Eight more to go."

"It's wild, to have this-, with, more to come."

D:/ "Good thing it's easy, for us, the way we are."

"I know right. So, it's not just me then. It is-, easy?"

D:/ "It is easy, I don't think it's an illusion. If you were wondering."

"Ok, you're teasing me. Well, then you must be comfortable."

D:/ "I am" she said in response and slid down from our sitting position to a full recline, pulling me along with her. We shifted around until we were just like before, in the last queen size bed, in the last hotel room. Me, on my back. She was turned 2/3 into my side, her arm bent at the elbow resting on my stomach. And, right calf, ankle and foot draped over my calf, ankle and foot.

I felt myself winding down, getting tired.

"So, am I going to keep your side warm while you do the slumber prep routine?"

"Yeah, I guess I could do that now, before I get too tired. I'll get lazy and skip it all together.

She slipped out of our positioning, grabbed a couple garments out of the dresser drawer and headed for the bathroom.

When she returned, I went to my suite.

When I was back in bed, we settled in like before.

"Oh, before I forget, I need the desk to wake up call me. Do you mind?"

D:/ "No, please, whatever you need."

I rolled over to the bedside table and picked up the suite phone.

"D, can you leave your key card so I can come in and see you before I leave in the morning? I don't want to leave your suite unlocked when I go next door to get ready."

D:/ "Sure, it's on the coffee table."

Promo Day Two

The phone on the bedside table rang, jolted me awake.

I rolled over and glanced at D. She stirred briefly but fell back to sleep.

At my suite. I showered, dressed, checked the Blackberry, and ordered room service. I tried to eat, but, ended up just picking around on the plate. Three cups of coffee later, not great for my nerves on an empty stomach, I headed next door.

I let myself into D's suite.

I stood over the bed, and watched her sleep.

Her face looked even more innocent if that's possible. However, I know her mind, the maturity of her soul and the smooth, tone curves of her playful, temptress body at rest, just under the sheet.

I sat on the edge of the bed.

"D, I gotta go." I said as I whispered in her ear.

D:/ "-mmmm"

She didn't open her eyes instead she reached for me and pulled me into bed.

I let her, as I laughed. We were facing each other, she buried her head in my neck.

D:/ "Oh, don't go."

The front of her whole body was up against me, lightly.

My heart pounded, it felt so good.

"I'm not leaving yet, we have a couple minutes."

"Mmmmm, Ok."

I had started a little bit early so we'd have time.

She fell back to sleep in my arms.

It was quiet, the room was slowly becoming light, a rare, few moments of stillness. My mind empty, my senses heightened.

I wanted to remember later after I had to walk away, her and how she felt.

I felt the emotion, the simplicity and grace of her here, now.

After a few minutes, I slipped her out of my arms, left behind her key card. I wiped my eyes before I put on my sunglasses.

I wanted to shake my visible emotion before I got to the hotel's garden.

I spot her from a across the grounds.

"Hey, how are you?" I put an arm around J's shoulder, her opposing arm went around my waist.

It was good to see her, but I felt tentative, anxious, anticipating the conversation.

"Good, you?"

We start walking.

J:/ "Good, I guess this is pretty early, huh?"

"Yeah, but-, you're on east coast time. Flight in was Ok?"

J:/ "Yeah"

"C make it here?"

J:/ "Yeah, she did. She's looking forward to seeing you both. We just had coffee before I left the suite."

"Wow, she got up this early?"

J:/ " -we don't see each other that often, it's not a burden.

And, D's good?"

"Yeah, we were up late." I didn't finish the sentence.

She looked at me like she understood I was being vague on purpose, but didn't pursue it.

J:/ "How'd the first day of promo go?"

"Fine, it was fast paced, you'll see. You're both in at least half of the panels with us, and for at least part of the QA. Our days will be a little longer. We've done this before, we all have, some variation of it. Publicity is the same across the board, I guess. You do this just as much as we do, maybe more."

J:/ "We haven't seen each other since we finished, how have you been?"

"Good, I'm good, between filming and projects, some negotiating, and reading scripts. It's great to be back for this, love seeing everyone. What about you?"

J:/ "Good. Some of the usual, writing, a couple shows. This is different than the studio or touring. But new and different is good, right?"

"Right. Hey, we could've caught up inside, what's on your mind? You didn't bring me down to the manicured garden to ask about yesterday's promo."

J:/ "Yeah, well, I can't help but feel a little bit in it since the four of us working together is the point of being here. And, I'm a big fan of irony, and the irony of this has me laughing together with something else.

I waited.

J:/ "I'm a believer in chemistry and I have selfish reasons for why it worked so well for us. From a creative standpoint, we got lucky with that. I know what it's meant in my career as well as in my life."

The irony is, it's the chemistry that brings me here to chat, in private."

"Yeah." Here it comes I thought.

"I'm speaking for myself, all adults have instances of simpatico, electricity. We may only acknowledge it to ourselves. And appreciate that we can make those connections."

"Yeah, are we getting to your visit to D's suite that morning?"

J:/ "We've talked a lot about my early life, choices I made, knocking down closed doors, all that. And, when we-" when the universe reaches down and gives us, that mutual-"

it's a gift and it's human to-, It's human to own it, yeah, this is happening, I'm in it, that's authentic." She paused.

"J, we don't need to have this conversation."

J:/ "Maybe it was demeanor or body language, something shifted and-, " She let her sentence trail off.

I felt tense. A tension that started at the threshold of D's suite and was bubbling to the surface right now, this moment. The easy demeanor that was usually between J and I, well, it was nowhere to be found.

I stop her in mid step with a hand on her arm, looked her directly in the eye.

"Yeah, I get it, anyone would pretty much draw a similar conclusion, and sure, in the moment I was being authentic, I can own that. Has it occurred to you we may have a huge misperception here?"

I felt like less was more in terms of choosing my words.

She didn't respond to my direct question. I was glad that we were walking again because the motion was good for the edginess I was feeling.

"J, I get where it's coming from, but trust me, this is unnecessary" my impatience temporarily subsiding.

"There are things I haven't said, maybe what I don't say manifests in my actions, I don't know. I do know she is herself with me, she trusts me. I like that we have a dynamic, I like our privacy.

I don't feel I have to say every little thing, and it's a break from all the invasive crap I can't control.

We haven't even spoken about certain things between ourselves. I don't want to say anything that I don't know how she would feel about not being here to say herself, or to decline saying, you know what that's like, right?"

"She knows I'm meeting you, but not why you asked to see me.

When you walked out of my trailer, I saw the look in your eyes, it wasn't lost on me, but- " I let my sentence trail off.

There's nothing I have to defend myself for.

My mind goes to this morning, less than an hour ago, D trusting and asleep in my arms.

We were walking and had turned and were heading back in the direction of the lobby entrance, neither one of us said anything else.

When we reached the lobby, I jammed both my hands into the front pockets of my jeans.

"You don't have anything to worry about, I don't know why you can't hear that.

We both got places to be, so I'm gonna run."

I paused for a second, and walked away. The absence of my making any parting affection was unlike me and was noticed, I'm sure. But I couldn't help it, I was in no mood.

I headed over to the make up and wardrobe suites. A sign was posted "Promo cancelled today."

I glanced at my Blackberry, I didn't see a message.

I headed to my suite, as I looked through the inbox, maybe I flew past it.

Insert, light, click and I was inside.

I emptied my pockets onto the suite's table and headed for the kitchen fridge. Sparkling water, glass, straw, but no limes?

I sat down. I heard the beep that signaled text and I glanced to see it was from D.

I grabbed my key card and walked next door.

I knocked and waited. She opened the door.

D:/ "Come here" she said as she pulled me inside.

"You got the message, the rest of the day is ours."

"It's great," I said as I walked in.

"I just saw you what, an hour ago?"

D:/ "And, your point would be?"

I pulled her into my arms.

"You were asleep when I left."

D:/ "Yeah, I liked that you came back for a few minutes."

"Did you get to order breakfast?"

D:/ "I did, what about you?"

"I ordered room service while I got ready, not much of an appetite though."

I sighed, and exhaled from what felt like a hollow place deep in my torso.

"D, you mind if I order now? I should-, I just couldn't eat before. Do you want anything?"

D:/ "No, no thanks, but please, feel free."

I walked to the phone on the end table next to the settee and placed my order.

"It'll be here in about twenty minutes."

D:/ "So, how are you?"

I let the silence hang in the air as I walked to the balcony, and motioned for her to join me. The view was insane in the daylight, even more amazing in the glimmering sun. I stood at the railing and looked at her, quiet for a minute.

She looked at me, waiting but looking around a little suspiciously.

D:/ "What?"

I extend my arm.

"Come here." I smiled as I pulled her in.

D:/ "Sure, she says as her arms easily slid around me to rest on my lower back. Standing, she fit into the space just even with my cheek bone.

"God, you feel so good. Did I say that out loud?"

D:/ "Yeah, silly, that's why we do this, it feels really good."

"Somehow, I guessed, I'd be jolted awake if I said it, like a kid's superstition.

And, so bummed that I'd been dreaming."

D:/ "Well, if you're dreaming then we both took the red pill, right?"

I laughed at the reference.

"How are you?

D:/ "Good, not sure why you seem so serious all of a sudden."

"Oh, I'm ah, not sure what I want to say or if I want to say anything at all.

I guess if you wanted to know anything, you'd ask me right?"

D:/ "Sure, no reason I wouldn't."

"I'm a little blind sided I guess, I got pushed out of the bubble, a conversation I didn't want to have, and I just got back in the bubble. I'm annoyed about the buzz kill." I exhaled, a little irritated, but I laughed.

D:/ "Well, you don't seem upset, you usually don't hide that very well, so I guess it's not that, right?"

"It's complicated, Um, we could just stand here and enjoy the view."

I took a deep breath.

D:/ "Well, we got that great lounge, we can enjoy this vantage point from there?"

"Ah, well, sometimes lying down without sleeping is it's own challenge."

"Oh" her eyes twinkled, and a " -mmm" capped off the end of a soft laugh.

I took an exaggerated breath.

"If I could've shown up for that without telling you, I would've. But, part of the bubble, along with 'atmosphere' and everything else that we are afforded, is that we know what's going on with each other. As minimal as it may seem, when I'm not with you, letting you where I am, feels right.

It's a bigger idea, you may or may not want to hear, I don't know.

That said, I don't want to taint the beauty and simplicity of how this is, I like it as 'I'm in what I am feeling'- , I don't want to massacre it with a bunch of words."

"The short version is, after wrap, I guess it was conspicuous that we were no shows at check out with everyone else. She came to your suite, you were asleep. I went to the door. She has concerns around what it looked like.

I didn't know how to mention it so I didn't. And, I was in my head about all of it, and having to let go that morning, you getting into the sedan and being driven away. That was a big part of what my anxiety was about last night."

D:/ "Do you think I haven't thought about it"

"About what?"

D:/ "How it would look? The last week of filming, the ramp up. Doesn't surprise me that someone picked up on the vibe."

"Well, she was all over it-, in my trailer, I got politely reminded, the next afternoon she's standing outside the suite and we've been-"

I don't finish that sentence but take a deep breath.

"And, first day she's here for promo, she's on it again, I can't get a rest."

Her hand went from the small of my back, up my spine as I lamented.

D:/ "It occurred to me that energy had shifted, I felt it, it was a window."

"I know, and I'm glad you did, I couldn't be the one to initiate."

(Pause)

D:/ "Hey, she means well, right -,"

"Yeah, of course, and I tried twice to say that she didn't need to be concerned."

D:/ "And?"

"It's like she doesn't hear it or get it or something."

D:/ Maybe since her history is so different, I mean, seriously." She laughed.

"Oh the eh, access to excess, rampant, drug fueled, adolescent, degenerate behavior run amok, she can't even imagine the alternative."

D:/ "Wow!, Yeah, how'd you do that?"

I shrugged. "I got language."

D:/ "And you're not saying it outright, because?"

"There's no dignity in having to say it, it's implied. If anyone should get that, it's her."

We stood there on the balcony until room service brought my lunch.

She went to check her Blackberry and make a call, while I ate.

When I was done, I stuck my head in the bedroom.

"D, I'm gonna go next door and brush, we could take a walk."

LATER

I knocked at her suite. She opened the door.

"Let's get out of here, sun, air, open space, I need access to some elements."

D:/ "I'm ready, lets go."

We cut through the lobby down a flight of stairs and through a small gate, a different way in daylight. This direction led us to the west side of the hotel's grounds with a walking path.

"Great, come on." I said as I ran to the start of a well traveled foot trail.

D:/ "So, eh, since we're here in all this beauty and natural wonder, maybe you're winding down?"

"From?"

D:/ "Last night, and this morning, you seem calmer out here."

"I am. I can't be wound up in all this" I opened my arms to mimic the expanse of the sky and all the manicured plants and trees.

D:/ "So, earlier you asked if I wanted to know anything would I ask, are you just about "asked out" by this point in the middle of a junket?"

"For you, I have reserves."

D:/ "You joked about being awoken from a dream, it was innocent and utterly charming, but being apprehensive doesn't seem like you?"

"Well, basically I'm kind of shy, and not always sure if I'm reading situations as they are or if I'm off base."

D:/ "So, what was my tell?

"I'm big on subtle, and you were subtlety personified. I felt you looking at me."

D:/ "Yeah, I was."

"Standing closer and lingering."

D:/ "I wanted to be near you."

"You were demonstrative, willing to reach for me, that was the capper."

D:/ "Well, we were both working, and moving through the challenge of that last week, not really acknowledging that the shoot was winding down."

"And in the most little girlish way, more vulnerable."

D:/ "I was feeling a little scared and excited at the same time"

"Yeah, me too, but the touching, N I C E !"

D:/ "You seem effortless with affection, so I couldn't tell how much of an impact I could make."

"Is that subtext for I"m easy?"

D:/ "No! no" she laughed, "I hadn't thought of that, but definitely not." She glanced sideways at me with a sparkle in her eye, "but-, it's not a simple read."

"Not all affection means the same thing. I'm glad you asked me to stay."

D:/ "I didn't want you to go."

"But, one person's slumber party invite is- "

D:/ "Exactly."

"Yeah, I was thrilled about that leap by the way."

D:/ "Yeah" she smiled.

"Hey, so- "

D:/ "No, me first."

"Sure" I paused. She doesn't interrupt or get animated often. I yielded, this was rare.

D:/ "I don't know if I can call that last one a leap, -I, eh, have no recollection of how we woke up like we woke up- "

She was looking at me but obviously shy with the whole question. I smiled.

"You want the short or the long version?"

D:/ "Hey? What happened while I was asleep?"

"No, silly, I was wide awake and going back and forth to the balcony."

"I didn't want to disturb you, so I kept getting up

I would've stayed either way because you asked, but- "

D:/ "You're stalling with the exposition."

"Oh, you're bringing work speak into this, to show how smart you are."

D:/ "Get on with it, you're killing me here."

"It was simple and elegant. Your back was to me, I asked you to roll over."

D:/ "And- "

"in one effortless motion, like you were just moving toward the sound of my voice."

D:/ "What did you think of that?"

"Well, I was thrilled, I was in shock. My insomnia jumped exponentially.

I intended just to tell you that I couldn't sleep, and maybe I'd be better if I went to my suite. When you eh, slid over to me, -well, wild horses were not going to get me outta that room."

She laughed.

D:/ "You seemed really calm when I woke up."

"Oh, that's just act as if. I was hoping that you felt as safe when you woke up as you did when you fell asleep."

D:/ "Oh God, that's so sweet." She closed her eyes and shook her head, and inhaled a deep breath.

"What about you, were you surprised?"

D:/ "Yeah, and no, our subconscious makes choices for us, right."

"Oh, so no free will involved then?"

D:/ "Smart ass! Are you feeling vulnerable?"

"Absolutely, my ass hanging- , you know how that one finishes."

D:/ "Vulnerability, it's a given."

"You didn't answer, by the way."

She looked to meet my eyes.

D:/ "It felt like all the times you touched me, I wanted you to-"

Later, inside D's suite, I was aimlessly surfing the flat screen with the sound turned down.

D:/ "What's going on?"

"I'm thinking about this morning, seems like it's not the J I thought I knew."

D:/ "And- ?"

"I'm sure she believes in what she thinks she sees, but- "

D:/ "So, what's under it, for you that you've not said yet?"

"Off the top of my head, it flies in the face of every theme this storytelling champions.

(Pause)

"No admission that a universal law is so much higher than anything that could ever be legislated. Even the words being spoken would've helped, but not even an acknowledgment.

"The inference that I have a child's lack of discipline, do I need to go on?"

D:/ "How does it look from her side?"

"The obvious? In her life, she went 'all in' at the first opportunity-,"

We were both silently aware the power of those two little words, how they sounded out loud, here behind closed doors.

She laughed.

D:/ "Well, as attractive as that sounds, and yeah, Envious Much? I was thinking something like that. Maybe she's remembering- , And from that vantage point, she finds you and I in a scenario that- "

"Yeah, but we both know that's a perception issue."

D:/ "You and I know that, so far."

"What does that mean?"

D:/ "Five minutes from now is the unknown- "

She smiled at me.

I didn't bite. She returned to her train of thought.

D:/ "Well, one consideration, is it also safe to say your will is being denied?"

This blind sided me. Oh God, vulnerability was back with claws and teeth.

"So is yours, isn't it?"

In the millisecond it took her to answer, I felt a huge wave of anxiety rush through me. She must have read it on my face.

She reached and pulled me in. Her body seemed to envelope every square centimeter of nerve endings of all my skin.

She whispered "Of course it is, but it feels less personal to me. Also," she continued, "I'm the subject, or the object, if you will. I'm not being lectured to, so it's different for Me. It seems to feel quite personal to you."

"I hadn't thought of that."

Ultimately, it didn't matter, she was right, it felt personal, and I didn't know why.


	2. Irony, Atmosphere & Another Hotel

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

**New:** Have chosen to drop indicating what day/night the setting is. Note: Generic events and locations, does not following the actual promo timeline or the areas the junkets took place in. No mention is made of paparazzi, or what is alleged or gossiped about. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project.

I updated the summary, and feel strange using their names. Eeekkk! But, want it to be searchable with the other TR stories.

All KPOV

D:/ "what's going on behind those eyes- "

"I'm not tired per se, but the day so far feels like it's been longer than it actually was."

D:/ "We've got some time, we don't have to be anywhere. Grab some sparkling whatever with limes and let's go out on the balcony. It's quiet."

She knew she'd lure me in with 'quiet'.

I brought glasses w/ straws to the table next to the lounge and settled in. Two minutes later, I looked up and D was crawling toward me with a mischievous look in her eyes.

Uh oh, I'm in trouble. Again.

She settled in, laying nearly atop me, not off to one side like usual. Her frame light but the proximity, weighty for obvious reasons. I'm amazed that this is treated as if it is typical. However, the feeling is '-mmmm'.

I didn't bring attention to it, let her revel in whatever she wants to do. I enjoyed watching her be in it.

It was quiet.

And early enough that we didn't have to think about the clock. We weren't due to be anywhere until later.

I was meditating on her breathing in, breathing out.

When she spoke, I could feel her voice vibrate in my chest.

D:/ "What are you thinking about?"

"I'm trying not to think, just listening to you breathe."

D:/ "So, what if - , I talk to C, mention what you've been trying to get across, and the dignity, of course. Have her mediate, -this can get cleared up."

"I hadn't thought of that, I've been in my head, wanting to let it go."

D:/ "It's a plan, then."

Quiet again. I was relaxed. Even more so. No idea how long it would last, it's unknown.

A bit later, she sat up quickly, her positioning, a knee, hipbone, rib cage, together with unexpected, spontaneous movement caused me to half pill bug. I squirmed, a jump like I was attempting a jerky, random Pilates pose while extolling a loud, sharp, unintentional "aahh oohh uuhh" groan sound.

I assume it was a reach for the glass. It happened quickly- , I was still and, I'm essentially the cushion.

Was she surprised that her action had caused this, I couldn't tell.

I reached for both hipbones placing the heels of my palms against them, and lifted her, moving her off me to a spot on the lounge at my side.

I met her eyes, with a "seriously, really?" look.

Her face gave way to a mischievous smile.

A few minutes go by.

"So-"

D:/ "What?"

"I get it's playful, and how far can I go?"

D:/ "You calling me out?"

"No- , hon, I'm not, asking what- "

D:/ "I was reaching for a glass."

"hmmmm, I figured that."

D:/ "It just is, what's to explain.

You're not gonna make me say _visual without dialogue_?"

"Oh sure, of course. Throw that back at me in debate. I see how you are. I laughed.

"It was more about not choosing one side or the other, and shooting for the middle."

D:/ "It is the obvious, you know that, right?"

I shake my head. "Well, yeah, I'm not complaining."

I let a few minutes go by.

"Come here, you can get back where you were, help me out OK, just don't move around?"

D:/ "You sure?"

"I don't want to say no- and yes, it is the obvious, it does feel good."

D crawled up, smooth, calculated movements and laid down, her head turned sideways on my chest.

I stroked her back, light just the tips of my fingers.

"Let me know, I'll hand you the glass- , we can avoid an excruciating bout of pain mixed with self control killing friction, Ok?"

She laughed.

D:/ "You've been more relaxed, progressively, since you were dragged you down to the grounds and essentially -"

"A fix to that is imminent, I'm not even thinking about it."

D:/ "It makes sense to not put it all on you."

D:/ "It's kind of a weird aspect to work. Personalities, people bringing their own history with them. We all do it. It's ironic to think about how liberal the subject matter was, but the real life day to day is the opposite of that.

Never know what we'll get, I guess.

It's not the first time there's been some kind of a snag.

I can't complain about work though, it's been pretty consistent, more unknown than any other aspect of my life. And, I've not had anything not go pretty smoothly.

I'm used to certain things, school, friends, the family. I'm amazed every day that I get to do this, that I figured it out, or it found me or whatever.

It's not easy, and things get changed up- , there's a lot of unknown, you know what that's like. And travel. It's very different than what most people do for a living."

D:/ "I found myself realizing how much I wanted this-, when I read the script- I realized, I had found it, a role that it exceeded anything I had been offered, and I was ready- And, needless to say, here, you, is- it's adult- , I want as much of it as I can have" she said, optimistic and open ended.

I let her words wash over me.

I ran the tips of my fingers across her back, having switched from up and down.

I know what I want to say. But I wait.

Sleek and graceful, D lifted and shifted around until she was laying with her head resting on my abdomen, one leg bent at the knee, the other hanging over the lounge side. She could look over to make eye contact. I reached for the hand closest to me and slipped my fingers between hers.

"What are you smiling about?"

D:/ "The other night, -you, stealth romantic crashing headlong into you all nervous school girl."

"You're giving me shit about that?"

"It caught me by surprise, is all. It was revealing, the two sides of you."

I was in the moment, and in a rush of - "

D:/ Yeah, I know, you panicked and the pillows sucked you into the vortex." She said, laughing.

"It was the way you turned and called to me over your shoulder, walking toward the balcony doors, I, was in this surge, and the immediacy -"

D:/ "I could see it."

"And, then I had to dial it back as soon as I was confronted with the reality of- "

D:/ "Buzz kill"

"You're teasing me?"

D:/ "Sure, you're a big girl, you can take it." She laughed.

D:/ "It took a second, but I got the atmosphere- "

"I wanted it to be subtle, take the opportunities when they're in front of us."

D:/ "It's a rush in the moment- , the setting, the words, their implication- "

she lets her sentence trail off.

"It's a neuro chemical overload, are you kidding?" Entire civilizations have been leveled as a result of that human emotion coupled with- "

"Well, that seems like a grandiose way of saying passion."

"Tell that to Helen of Troy"

D rolls her eyes at me.

As if history, art and storytelling isn't at the center, -the reason for us being in this hotel today, and you're rolling your eyes?"

D:/ There's that mind of yours again" she says smiling.

"Well- "

D:/ "I appreciate it, I still have school, for my intellectual outlet."

"I give up. I'm not saying anything else."

D:/ "Hey, seriously, I like the energy, it's real and easy. You're in it with all your senses."

"Yeah, -atmosphere as a backdrop, there's quite a bit of the accoutrement of intimate setting."

D:/ I know, it kinda blows my mind if I stop and let myself think about it.

"Not so much of the middle, but some of the before and some of the after."

D:/ "Maybe not so much of the before" she said laughing.

"Ok, it's a stretch."

D:/ "You're putting the best spin on it."

"Yeah, why not. It's work, alone time, privacy, luxury, sensuality. Look at where you are right now, in this moment -"

D:/ "I'm at a hotel, in bed with you. A lounge, but same difference."

" -and we sleep together- , it could suck way worse."

"This is me- , at my best and forgiven for my imperfections. Share, reveal, exchange, willingly, we choose, that's what matters. I want to be near you, make you laugh, protect you, including protecting you from my selfishness, my human failings.

D:/ "Oh, no you're imperfect, say it isn't true."

"A lot with the teasing today?"

D:/ "Maybe. I'm just finding certain things funny."

Looking over at me "Yes, you're self aware, and integrity. I wouldn't be sleeping with you at the end of each exhausting day of promo if you weren't."

D:/ "I guess this turned out to be not so much of your highly sought after quiet?"

"The way you phrase it makes it sound like I'm contemplating a vow of silence."

I shake my head.

"You're obviously having fun with this, so enjoy."

D:/ "What's this outside, look up at the sky, ocean, stars thing?" Knowing you, you got hella language to describe it."

"You asking so you can make fun of me about it?"

D:/ "I see that you may think that, but, no. I got a feeling there's a piece of you in there that I want to know."

"I guess it's just something I don't think about. I love being outside. The sky, I'll never get tired of looking up. Forget about the beach, the ocean, it never stops, I'm amazed by that, and waves are controlled by the moon- , my mind goes crazy around the miracle of that, but it's bigger too.

D:/ "- well, close your eyes and describe it."

"Ok" I close my eyes.

"The sky at night, in particular, dusk when a deep blue- " I pause and open one eye. She looks over at me.

D:/ "What?"

"Checking to see if you were up to anything while my eyes were closed" I laughed.

D:/ "No I've tortured you enough for now. Go ahead."

"Dusk, and a rich blue gives way to a deep black as the sun's light fades away. And, there's this tingling sensation just under my skin, it's even more so when I'm in the presence of a deep night sky. And the stars I see, their light flickered eight years ago, and it's just now reaching my retinas. That's how big what I'm seeing is. As many as I think I can see, are an infinitesimal fraction of what this galaxy has, and there are as many galaxies as there are stars. This stuns me, the sheer numbers."

"The moon, looks slightly different each night I see it, and during different times of the year, it's in a new place in the sky."

"And, I guess the bigger get from all this, is the more I feel that wonder, the less jaded I am, the more I am willing to risk and trust my intuition, my creativity is more accessible to me. Something else that I can't put words to happens, that's part of quiet."

"I love being outside, sometimes more than others. If I'm tethered to a place, stuck inside with a couple hundred people trolling in and out, breaking up the monotony is necessary. But, even when that's not the motive, I still love it. And, there's an added element, like now, that's even better, because of being here with you."

She looks over at me, waiting.

"When I learned about stars, astronomy, and galaxies, stuff like that, I felt really small and insignificant at first when the enormity of what's out there knocked me down. I've been in nature, the ocean, the wilderness, places like that, and found myself speechless and moved beyond anything that I could anticipate. The feeling of insignificance dissipated. Something balanced out."

"Somehow, beauty, open space and quiet are more significant when, how do I -"

"Here like this, an exchange like this, it's turned up, increased. Quiet is more satisfying. Nature is more vibrant, it's easier to be in the moment, there's a reason to be in the moment. I feel more alive, hour to hour, day to day is more meaningful. The back and forth, I give, it's returned to me. The allure, the draw of- , it's almost-, intoxicating."

"What happens outside the bubble becomes less interesting to me. Those things said, I feel my aliveness, that tingling under my skin which isn't really under my skin, but that's as close as language will get to describing it. I'd be trying to get outside when I could anyway, but it's more significant because of this- " I say as I run the back of my hand along her forearm.

D:/ "- that's why you keep dragging me outside" She laughed.

"And, the other obvious reason."

D:/ "I figured it was rooted in something like that- , plus the intuitive thing, we've talked about that before. Makes sense that'd be a part of it. But, your mind, you're whip smart, with an edge- "

"I'm not the only smart one, so are you. Your intelligence arrives a block ahead of everything else. I'm knocked out, as if the talent alone wouldn't be plenty, the wrapping, an instinctive sense, I can't even finish the sentence, I'll go off the rails."

D:/ "The similarities, are crazy-, just crazy."

"Yet, you have no hubris, the opposite, grounded, real, the energy, and something unnamed, beyond words."

D:/ "Yeah-, to me too."

LATER

D:/ "She texted back, says I can drop by." She sets her Blackberry down. "Come here"

I walk over to where she's sitting on the double vanity sink.

She turned me around, slid her arms around me and leaned against my back, softly in my ear "when I return, it's done, though it's kinda funny considering well, ironic much?"

"Yeah, no shit."

"So, anything before I go?"

For a second, I'm overcome; she's warm and care taking, and I can't bear the idea that she's going to walk out the door. But, this is crazy, she'll be up on the next floor, that's all. Emotion and the bubble is such a weird thing.

I turn around in her arms and squeeze her "Yeah, come right back- Ok?"

D:/ "Yeah, five minutes at most." She says as she hops off the granite sink.

D:/ "Hey- " she said as she walked through the suite's front door.

I was in the middle of basic prep for the arrival of the person with the dress, shoes, make up, etc., a towel draped around my shoulders, over a t shirt and jeans.

"So?"

D:/ "Couldn't have been easier." She had a big smile on her face.

"What?"

D:/ "We missed a piece of this."

"What's that" I said, still working on my eyebrows with tweezers and a small brush.

D:/ "J being her tight lipped self, didn't mention any of it, showing up at my suite, her concerns that prompted the conversation with you, nothing."

"Well, I hadn't thought of that, but it's her m.o., it totally makes sense. So?"

D:/ "I gave C the three sentence run down, she thought the whole thing's hilarious. Took her a full minute to stop laughing. And, she said she'd to talk to her."

"I'm not sure it's quite that funny, but I can breathe now."

D:/ "So, you want to go outside?"

"You serious or are you messing with me?"

D:/ "I'm fine with either one" she said, smiling.

LATER

We were in D's suite bedroom while she rifled through silk garments that are folded neatly in the two top drawers of the dresser. Full, half slips and camisoles of various shades of white, creme and black. I see this out of the corner of my eye.

D:/ "When's your person showing up?"

"I gotta look, probably around the same time as yours. Then, I guess we'll meet up with the girls. I haven't checked to see what the car arrangement is."

I checked my Blackberry, looked up "My person hasn't sent a message or text yet."

Just then, D's Blackberry sounded. She scrolled, pressed buttons and a minute later, a knock at her suite door.

She walked out and I heard her in muffled tones and the other person's voice in conversation back and forth. I was staring at the silk garments when she walked up and reached across me for two of the full slips.

I took hold of her wrist as she was withdrawing, the slips in her hand. She looked at me quizzically.

I smiled at her but didn't say anything.

D:/ "What?" she saw the look in my eyes, and leaned a little closer to me.

"So which one, the creme or the black?"

D:/ "Not sure, I haven't chosen- , what's on your mind, Stewart?"

"I can't say my mind is engaged at all, Fanning, as there's probably not even two neurons connected by a synapse up there right now. I saw the silk and- "

D:/ "Hmmm, you know it's bad luck to see the co-star in full dress prior to red carpet, right? You wanna tempt fate?"

"Good one." That, repartee in the moment, to meet me, match me, a huge part of the visceral response, an energy that I have to work to reign in. In case everything else wasn't too much already.

"I was visualizing the slip. With the shoes, of course."

D:/ "Of course. You do spontaneous sensual effortlessly. Part of me is considering it. But, eh- someone's out there working, waiting for me and -"

Just then my Blackberry sounded and I threw my head back in exasperation.

"Figures." I said, and laughed.

D:/ "Besides you've seen me in less than that already- ?"

"Me and a crew of 25, on a three quarter built out set, a ton of freakin' noise, bright lights, extreme temperature, needing to hit my mark with lines I'm supposed to emote reeling around in my head, while I'm being someone else."

I laughed.

"You were someone else wearing it for someone I was supposed to be. Not for me, in private."

She drew in her breath, exhaled and smiled at me.

D:/ "There's that language again. We're not exactly alone" she motioned toward the suite's main room.

I dropped her wrist but held her eyes for a few seconds.

"Yeah" looking at my Backberry, "I should go."

D:/ "Text me after you talk to the girls so I know the plan."

"I will." I pulled her in, slipping my arms around her, close for a couple seconds.

"You're killing me, you know that."

I shook my head and slipped out.


	3. Easy Until It's Not

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

**New:** There may be issues with consistency of the tense. Shout out to the two anonymous reviewers – and the FanFic members who put my Fic on alert. Thanks So Much.

I am unable at this time to switch to another character's POV. Not that flexible yet. I hope to get across what the other characters are thinking/feeling by how they behave and what they say. Maybe next time, it'll feel more doable.

Note: Generic events and locations, does not following the actual promo timeline or the areas the junkets took place in. We're seeing them in closed, PR events. I don't address paparazzi, or what is alleged or gossiped about. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project.

I updated the summary, and feel strange using their names. Eeekkk! But, want it to be

searchable with the other TR stories.

Note: the documentary comment came from Edge Play by Vicki Blue Cherie is quoted as saying 'Joan is really good in bed' When Floria Sigismondi heard this, she decided it had to be at the very least subtext, a 'spark' for the relationship that is the center of the film.

- x X x -

All KPOV

D:/ "Your person stepped out?"

She was standing beside me, touching the bare skin at the part of my back where it meets my neck. My white terry cloth robe was loosely tied and my hair pulled to one side. I was preparing to be "dressed", bent over the sink as I brushed my teeth. She was waiting to make eye contact with my reflection.

"Yeah. Where's yours?"

D:/ "Putting combinations together. I'll choose from the final options- , whatever moves me."

"Well, what do you think, should I wear a deep cool, or is a bright warm color better?" I said looking up to meet her eyes in the mirror.

D:/ "I like the cool to compliment your palette, your coloring, I guess is the proper word. I notice how precise your language is."

"Are you messing with me?"

D:/ "No, I'm serious, first the cool vs warm. I'll always lean toward whatever most compliments your skin, hair, eyes, your coloring. Second, I've been listening, while you're taking questions, your command of the language is amazing. Let's not confuse that with articulation, which is a different thing all together. Language is linked to intelligence, thought process, you're MENSA- "

D:/ "Articulation is how comfortable you are, if you're tired, or trying to balance authenticity and your privacy or someone else's. It can get skewed for those instances, from what I've seen."

"Well, I do want to hear this, can we talk about it when we're back here, later?"

I glance in the mirror. Out of the corner of my eye I saw her 2/3 behind me, she had that glint in her eye. She slipped her hands to my waist, a hold on my hipbones, and pulled me toward her. As she looked over my shoulder to meet my eyes in the mirror, moving her hands from the outside of my waist, she moved them under my robe across my lower abdomen, for emphasis.

Simultaneously in a whisper, her breath warm on my ear, " -we can talk about it in bed, later!"

Seeing, feeling, those brief seconds, together with the words, I was ignited.

I squirmed out of her hold, "uuuuhhhh" bent at the waist, my knees together.

" -Oh D, why did you do that, that was- , Uugghh- "

D:/ "You did it first, I owed you" she said, smiling at me.

I was trying to avoid hopping around on one leg to disperse some of the energy.

"Yeah, but now- , I don't have time to do anything- ,

D:/ "What does that mean?"

"Don't look at me like that, -a cold shower."

"I walk in tonight, and I'm buzzing- , from that stunt. Was there some doubt in your mind you needed confirmation of?"

D:/ "I don't know what you're talking about?"

"Coy much? You're teasing, it's fun, which is fine, I want you to be yourself, but- "

D:/ "I did what you did" she says a little less humor than her previous comment.

"We were actually going to bed."

Something in her demeanor was changing right before my eyes, I could see it.

She moved to stand between me and the mirror, leaning against the double sink vanity.

D:/ "Yeah. Uh. No- "

A pause and she's holding my gaze but not saying anything yet.

D:/ "This is a semantic point, we were going to sleep, Babe, it's not the same- "

She was a little more serious.

"Semantically yes, you are correct. D, you're busting me, really?"

She took a deep breath and let it out.

She seemed to purposely soften her demeanor before she began. She moved toward my arm, reaching for my hand.

D:/ "This is a window, in a couple ways, one of seeing into, another of opportunity- , and as small of a distinction as it may be, let's call it what it is. Teasing, curiosity, playful, the words as concepts, get thrown around, and not just today, -like it's a game. And, maybe sometimes it is, but it's also, more than that."

She pulled me into her arms.

D:/ "We're here, you're right in front of me- , I'm reaching, both literally and figuratively. You're in it, I can see it, I can feel it. You show it sometimes and others, you're guarded- "

"This- , is more than curiosity, teasing, -it's specific to you, it wouldn't be the same with a random person, and yeah, it's chemical and it's physical- "

She leans back so she can look in my eyes.

D:/ "There's the 'gift' of the bigger get, it's not lost on me. I thought I was showing up to work, and I was. I got a bonus that is beyond anything I could anticipate- , but, it's not without it's challenge. Let's call it what it is- " she let her sentence trail off.

I didn't want to interrupt her, I waited.

I took a breath, for whatever reason she decided now was the time to express what I figured was underneath the common values, the intimacy, the luxury surroundings, and the circumstances.

It bubbled up and over and she slipped out of my arms, took a half step back and was standing in front of me, leaning her weight on both arms, angled behind her body, against the vanity marble top.

D:/ "I want to understand- , maybe it's something, something I haven't considered yet- " She lets her sentence trail off.

We stare at each other for a few seconds, I want to give her words the gravity they deserve.

I close the space between us, pull her in and hold her against me, still, for a minute.

"D" I say low and directly into her ear. "-time with you, for us, I'm ecstatic, being able to have this-, work, and our alone time, it's sensual, it's private. It caught me completely by surprise, I'm off balance- "

I pause gathering my words.

"You saw how I was the first night of promo, there was a lot going on- , but at it's heart, it was this- , the reality's overwhelming- "

D:/ "I know" She whispered.

I'm unsure if this helped. But, she got to say how she feels, in the moment, not shoved away for later. And, she knows I heard her.

A minute goes by, she starts to pull out of my arms.

"Not yet." I said.

Her Blackberry beeped an alert that a text had arrived.

D:/ "Sorry, I hate to do this, -we can't be late."

"Yeah." I released my arms from around her.

D:/ "So-, I'll see you in a while?"

"Yeah." As I watched her head for my suite's door.

LATER

At the venue in front of the step and repeat banner.

The noise level was crazy. J walked up, leaned in, her arm around my waist as the flashes start she almost has to shout directly into my ear.

J:/ "How are you?"

"Good. You?" I say without breaking my pose as I'm blinded by the lights and deafened by the sound.

J:/ "Good. You, a little distracted?"

"I struggle with this part, mostly the yelling."

J:/ "Well, C talked to me. So, you forgive me?"

"Yeah, of course. You were looking out for me, for us. I knew that. But, I feel like I can breathe now."

J:/ "Pretty stealth, you little minx, I should've known."

"I told you- , I might've been too subtle."

J:/ "Well, I may've not seen past what I thought I saw- "

"Don't worry about it- , the irony though, it was killing D and I" I said wanting to laugh but it's still not quite funny.

J:/ "Sure, but maybe it's not so funny?"

Deep breath. "No kidding, right." I shook my head.

A minute goes by, were quiet among the yelling.

"You enjoying this so far?"

J:/ "Yeah, this is great- "

"It is, us all together- "

J:/ "But, you do seem like something- "

I notice off to my right, I'm being signaled.

"When the 'work' is over- , we can have a minute, right?"

J:/ "Sure, I'm here all night." she laughed.

She stepped away so I was alone in their viewfinders. More flashes and yelling.

Another signal from off to my right.

D stepped over to me, I slipped my arm around her waist.

"Hi."

D:/ "Hi."

Two minutes of blinding flashes and yelling. We move a little one way then the other, in unison and separately to accommodate fifteen feet of cameras, two bodies deep.

"Mmm D, come here a little closer, because we can."

I whisper turning profile as I pull her in.

She laughs and leans into me.

"You look great. I love your dress."

D:/ "Mmmm, thanks. You look great too."

Flashes and yelling.

She turned her back to the cameras, now we were both in profile, our heads bowed, having a moment amidst the strategically arranged, structured, glamorous chaos. She whispered to me.

D:/ "About before- "

"Yeah- "

D:/ "I'm grasping- , I'm totally winging it- "

"Thank God, I'm not the only one."

A couple seconds, she seemed to struggle for what she wanted to say.

D:/ "I get it- " , she paused, and swallowed. "I can't- " She trembled slightly under my hand. " -It can't feel like I'm in it by myself."

"I know. Believe me, you're not."

We got a full minute, still, letting the words sink in.

A minute later, another signal from off to my right.

"We just got the cue."

D:/ "I should check my makeup, do you see- "

"Yeah, that direction. I point. "-just off to that side. Find me when you're done, Ok?"

D:/ "I will."

Later we'd see images from those brief minutes; Us, leaned in, relaxed, bordering on oblivious. Almost posed but a candid-like quality. Intimate moments captured, anyone in proximity unaware of the exchange between us.

LATER

We're sitting together at the screening. House lights are still up and we're occasionally randomly being photographed.

D is on my right, J on my left, C on the other side of her.

"Are you warm enough?" I whisper.

I reach over and move my hand up and down her spine.

D:/ "I'm not cold, but if it's an excuse for you to do that, I'll pretend." She smiled.

"Well, when the lights go down, I can't really do the covert yawn, stretch and arm around you, like I want to." I said.

D:/ "Yeah, that seems like something you'd do." She laughed.

"But, I can shift so that inconspicuously, as much of my arm and leg is touching as much of your arm and leg."

D:/ "I'll take it."

LATER

We're sitting on a couple small settees with a low coffee table at a boutique restaurant/bar's patio, under heat lamps. It felt like hours of greeting and posing for photos. The after red carpet, after screening _after party_ had begun to wind down. The event's manager had started to wrap things up, walking guests in the direction of the exits. Now we could sit and enjoy our time together without feeling like we had to 'work' when someone approached the area designated for us. The rest of the cast had been here too, laughing, talking, eating and drinking. They had since taken off, so it was just the four of us.

C:/ "Before we venture off on that topic, we -"

J:/ "Hey Hon, sorry, can we hold that, if you could wait for us, K and I are going to step away."

J turned to me.

I look at C, "Thanks for being the messenger."

C:/ "Sure, least I could do, I know how she is." She laughed, tipping her head in J's direction as we rose from the settees.

"Well, we needed your help, and magically, viola, success."

"D, I'll be back, Ok?"

D:/ "Yeah, sure."

We stood and walked toward a doorway that lead us into the now empty restaurant.

J:/ "You having fun?"

"Sure, this is the best part, us with the two of you, no deadline, the work day over."

J: / "Good. We feel the same way, we're thrilled to have this. I don't speak for her, she's more than capable of doing that herself, but for this, I know she's as happy as I am. When C told me, it made sense- , and, well, that wasn't like us, you and I. We hadn't had any kind of difficulty, so that was strange."

"Yeah, it was- , what it looks like to you, to both of you, the energy is probably tangible. I have no objectivity, I'm just in it, I don't want to analyze it or whatever. I'm taking what is being offered- "

J:/ "Well, it didn't occur to me that someone could actually refrain, I mean, Geez, how are you holding up?"

I couldn't tell if she was trying to stifle a laugh, and only partially succeeded.

I rolled my eyes. I shot her a wary side glance. But, let it go.

"Your warmth overwhelms me" I laughed.

"I'm holding up fine, you and I are good, and right this second, that's what matters."

J:/ "Sure, uh, you're a little distracted, though?"

"I, uh- , we had something come up that I didn't know how to- " I fumbled for my words. "I, I do want us to have some time, but I'm- "

Just then my Blackberry rang.

"J, I've been waiting for this, I'll be there in a few minutes, Ok?"

J:/ "Yeah, no worries."

I glanced in the display.

"Hey Dad- "

I laughed.

"Yeah, I wasn't sure if I'd be interrupting you- "

"It's good. Seems like it's happening so fast. I can't believe it. Yeah, everyone's good."

"What? Yeah, you know me, no it's not anything that's wrong, I just- "

"Yeah, I know I always can- "

"It is, what we talked about briefly before, yeah."

"I laughed. It's a surprise everyday, uh huh, Yes, good surprise, yeah, unexpected."

"I figured you would, you get me- "

PAUSE

"I do, Dad, I text her and call every other day so she can hear my voice."

"I haven't mentioned it - , it's something that- "

"This is your territory, -it's more for you and I."

"It's not really one thing, it's a couple things together- "

"What? Uh, the obvious, Dad!, that's all status quo"

"Some of that sure - "

"That was two years ago, and different- "

"Same but not"

"Well, yeah, except for that" I laughed.

"No, not like that, our dynamic -I'm completely comfortable, no problem. Oh yeah, trust- , and the caliber of who she is, but no Dad, they aren't the same at all, -I have no qualms about- "

"It's more- , how do I say this- "

"I'm trying-, it's not easy"

"I don't know what I'm doing, I mean, I do- "

"I hurt her feelings"

"Yeah that, sure, but - "

"Yeah, well- , I feel like shit, Dad, I made her cry- "

"She's- , she's warm, smart, soft and it's easy, until it's not- "

"-if it was anger I'd know what to do- "

"No, we were working until about an hour ago- "

"but yeah- , I want it to be- "

Caught up in the conversation, I didn't hear her footsteps.

D walked up behind me and slipped an arm around my waist.

"Oh, hey Dad, D's here, I'm expected back at the table with the girls- ,

"Yeah, sure, well, yeah, you know, yeah, Me too. Ok- "

"Yeah, bye."

D:/ "Sorry, if I interrupted-, "

"No, uh, we were done."

"You slipped away."

"Just for a minute."

D:/ "You ready to go back?"

I looked at her.

D:/ "You Ok?"

"Yeah. We can talk about it later, if you still want."

Back at the table

C:/ "I'm curious, I only got the three sentence summary- , how'd this reveal happen?"

J:/ It was concern, that's all."

J looked at me as if to ask my permission.

"Yeah, go ahead" It's resolved, I don't care at this point.

J:/ "the hotel after wrap, we were all in the lobby, checking out, I came down from upstairs and- "

C:/ "Yeah, these two were missing. I asked about them, you _blew it off_."

J:/ "I had gone to K's suite. Housekeeping was there, the room hadn't been touched. I knocked on the door of D's suite, -they're in bed."

C looks at me, I shrugged my shoulders, hands up in the classic "_what can I say_" gesture.

She looked at D, who looked at me, smiling and bright red.

J:/ continues, "I'm just saying, you would've thought the same thing- "

I raise my right index and middle fingers to my eyes and flip them back and forth twice toward her, "She'd been giving me the 'I'm watching you look'- and D howls with laughter.

"-Since the night we wrapped, in my trailer- , politely of course- "

"Right J?"

J:/ "Well yeah, I am civilized- "

C:/ "We could see the energy- "

"I tried to tell her- , except she couldn't hear me- , Little Miss I got it stuck in my head- "

J: "Yeah, well it was smart to have her talk to me, she gets through."

"Well, D knew that, and was over it harshing our alone time. But, the misperception of indulgence was excruciatingly inaccurate."

We all laughed.

"I couldn't imagine this coming from you, that just didn't feel like the you I thought I knew."

She took a sip of her water and looked at me.

J:/ I have a deep reverence for what you feel, I didn't say that."

I took a breath, and smiled.

C:/ "When you two stepped away, we were talking about what didn't make it into the script, or the cut we saw, and why we think it would've been better if this or that would've been different? Who wants to start?"

J let's her head roll back and a huge smile splits her face.

"K, the story, of the uh- , how do I say this- "

I know, I think I know, and I'm instantly animated, and I can't suppress an expression of astonishment. Needless to say it catches J's eye.

"Oh, no I was thinking it, I wasn't going to say it- , really, you're suggesting that?"

J:/ "Well, in Seattle you were extraordinarily moved, you wept."

"Well, almost, but here, now?"

C:/ "What? Spill, D and I don't know what you two are rambling on about in your shorthand speak."

J:/ "You should tell it, I'll draw it out too long."

K:/ "You lived it" I said, looking at J, then looking at C, "it was her point of view, but the pivot turns on you."

D:/ "Like everything" We all laughed.

"I was just a listener and well, it moved me."

C:/ Raised an index finger to indicate a pause, and to J, leaned over, whispered in her ear.

J:/ "Yeah, that's pretty much the one."

C:/ "You told her THAT, really- " exhaling an exasperated "Oh!"

J:/ "It's beautiful, it's the human experience in all it's, K, help me out here."

K:/ "You're on your own, thats yours to fix" I said laughing.

J:/ "Oh, you're kidding me, no loyalty, I'm shocked!"

I let it her comment hang for a few seconds between the four of us.

"Alright, it's not what you think, it was dignified, it was told as an expression of- "

C:/ Looking to J and interrupting, "Seriously, that- "

J:/ "Three of us already know the story."

D turning to me.

D:/ "You wept, huh?"

"Almost, uh, I don't claim to be made of steel or anything."

A wait person comes by the table.

C:/ "Desert menu" holding it out for one of us to take "and we're thinking about coffee."

J:/ "If this makes you uncomfortable, Hon, we can _ixnay_ the repeating of that part of our colorful history."

"Hey, in her defense, though, she told that story from a place of deep respect- "

C:/ "Yeah, I'm sure she did, it just surprised me, I was unprepared, for the exposure- , it hadn't occurred to me is all, and it's- "

J:/ "Hon, she had to know me, to do what she did, as well as she did. Detail was crucial. I stand by that, and it was a beautiful, human experience."

C:/ "A heads up would of been Ok, just saying."

C's looking a D, "Hadn't put a lot of thought into it until just now but makes me wonder

what she told her."

D:/ "I guess now we know, right? Well, the feeling of exposure is natural, given the circumstance. She had to have felt some of the same, you know, your book."

C:/ "Yeah, everyone lives with a certain amount of exposure, sure. Especially creatives."

J looks at me and shakes her head.

J:/ "I might be doing some groveling later, you think?"

"Me too, it's a big club."

I looked across the table at C

"C, I appreciate what you're probably feeling, as much as I can put myself in that situation, but maybe I can shed some light, it may ease- "

C:/ "yeah, sure."

J winked at me.

"The telling of this, not the details so much but this atmospheric, haunting recollection, mesmerized me. Her voice. I was enraptured with her voice as a channel for this deep reverence, beyond a recollection or just a memory.

Her tone, soft, words carefully chosen, like she had told this story maybe once to put language and concepts together with feeling. A realization may've evolved into a shift in perspective, awakened- "

Sure, the setting was intimate- , physical touch and emotional connection accelerated, ratcheted up quickly, to a completely unexpected level. She described witnessing in real time, an unraveling, a disintegration, a laying bare of soul, if you will, happening in a context that flipped 180º from how it

began- "

To have the foresight, quickly, succinctly in the moment to- , react, respond- "

Bring emotional stability and clarity, thinking quickly on her feet, not a blankness that she described you being immersed in, but a retrieval of you from, from a chasm between the material and- , the lifting of the proverbial veil, I guess. I don't really know how to describe what I heard. I do know how it made me feel.

The beauty was in her strength, compassion, to see, to recognize- , so utterly present to what was happening, to retrieve, to bring you back, from the far reaches of that ellipse.

There's physical, emotional and if we're lucky, spiritual. And, encounters can run the gamut from instinctual, need driven, meaningless experiences, essentially throw-aways, to invested, emotional, intimate exchanges.

The game changers bond us- , take us out of ourselves and our self centeredness and connect us to something bigger- "

"For me, in the hearing of this, was a depth of resonate sense memory, almost like an echo, sound

waves originating somewhere far away, catching up in the present- , almost tangible- , lingering,

hovering between past and present."

I was rendered speechless. How at it's heart that recollection, effortlessly emanated from not just her voice, but from something bigger, if that can make sense being described that way. It was a mystical experience whether someone chooses that language to describe it or not.

I knew that instant, my choice to be part of the telling the band's, your two stories, was instinctually accurate. Human caring, deep connection was at the heart of the events, the people that lived this- "

"It was a great act of faith- , she had met me about 6 hours earlier. Didn't know me but obviously could read people because something said to her, this is right, Go, open up, reveal.

It was clear how deeply personal the experience was, yet it was not told to me salaciously or with any purpose other than to relay something valuable. It's essence for storytelling.

C:/ "It occurred to me that I'd maybe, eventually know- , but, you've quite balanced out my concerns, I think. I need a minute to regroup. Someone jump in- ,"

J:/ "I can't describe how I knew that you could 'hear' that story and comprehend what it meant to me.

But, I knew, the way I've known instinctually a lot of the risks I've taken, including the one to- ,

D:/ "Act on your feelings, away from the band- "

J:/ "Yeah, she told you?"

D:/ "Sure, she mentioned a little backstory, it was sweet, and- "

"She's still reacting to the retelling of this, she's a bit away in her memory, as well as being here, I can see it."

D, was turning her head to make eye contact with me.

D:/ "It was wild to watch and listen, K, you were moved and engaged, on all these levels; human, intellectual, intuitive, your gut feeling during that first meeting, was spot on. It was a look-in to sit here, and- , this energy you had while in it, I don't know how to finish that sentence."

J:/ "This is how people get to know each other, to hear about experiences like this, putting words to ideas, you're both off the hook smart, but this isn't just that, it's deeper. Sometimes smart gets in the way of another kind of understanding- " she let the sentence trail off without finishing.

D:/ Hmmm, well, I've been curious about the documentary comment, -it was a spark- , for the relationship that the script is written around now, it's 6 years later, and your story is being told."

C:/ "You want to go first?"

J:/ Looking at both me and D "-there are two sides to this, and a bigger context."

D:/ "We each heard your sides separately, but to hear in real time, from both of you- "

K:/ "D, brilliant." To J, "We were talking about this- "

J raised her eyebrows at me.

My hands shot up in a surrender gesture. " -just that we'd both heard only one side. Easy- , the most I've repeated, I did right here at this table."

C:/ That one sentence was a lightning rod. People speculated about the band offstage. Yeah, I'd written the book, but my outline had stuff in it the publisher took out. It got edited down to my background, life on the road, the lure of drugs and getting back up again after having been knocked down. Those were my original intentions for writing the book, a cautionary tale. And, as mentioned, stretch to live our dreams, to reach. Those topics were most important to me. And, taking a cue from her, even then, anyone who read between the lines, my feelings are there."

J:/ "There's so much to mention, but I'll go wide first, then narrow- , Us and them, that's what I saw. When we were a band, I saw a lot of that dynamic, I didn't understand, and I see it today, everywhere in all kinds of contexts. Us/Them. I've not been real interested in playing into that archaic, limiting mindset, and thought people's dignity including ours could be nurtured by giving up these old ideas. Let each person express themselves- , however they

want, that's what playing, performing, and writing was to me, still is."

C:/ "We were being told 'No' by everyone except Kim. Industry, local venues, other musicians, sometimes audiences, closed doors and people saying 'No'. Or, sometimes the 'No' was subtext, not an outright 'No' so much as it was suggesting we were more useful if we uh, were willing to be something else, what they wanted, for their own selfish agendas.

Sometimes, when we did get to play a set or be included as part of a show, or whatever, we weren't taken seriously."

J:/ "The world divides into Us/Them. And, all this "No" is essentially Us/Them. It's secular, cultural, national, economic, creative, and more, and manifests in so many different ways. It's human nature, but it's also the opposite of being generous, open, and abundant."

D and I look at each other quizzically.

C:/ "It seems like we're having two conversations, but, it'll tie together, we know where it's going.

J:/ "We had to make peace around many differences we have, over the decades." She laughed.

C:/ "That one sentence, was partially my way of being authentic. I struggled to live with what other people thought, what was said behind my back, projected onto me. Perceptions that some of the band held, at least from my point of view. That I was opportunistic at the expense of her feelings- , a limited way of looking at a complex relationship."

J:/ "And, it was flippant in the moment, and it's a fairly common euphemism, an easy way of being revealing without showing someone's feelings, giving too much away."

C:/ "And, I did, I wanted to convey something more than just 'hooking up', but it wasn't gonna happen in a one sentence quote. It had it's salacious turn if someone wanted to spin it that way. I don't know that there was any simple way to convey nuance."

J:/ "I was struggling, we both were, dealing with the press. Revealing a relationship the press couldn't comprehend, wouldn't serve anything. A vulgar, greedy, relentless, bottomless media would never be sated. I don't regret protecting the relationship, my own privacy, dignity or protecting her, either. It also kept my artistic options open, as a creative person, I don't want a box and a label.

Hindsight being what it is, I may have in an effort to keep the focus on creativity to present myself as a musician, writer and performer instead of being relegated to them as in Us/Them.

C: / We didn't know how to handle the press, I was being hounded, goaded, well this isn't unfamiliar to either of you, that kind of relentless pressure to 'reveal' and it's not about the work, the art, it's salacious, tabloid commerce, typecasting, and a whole slew of other irrelevant garbage and Us/Them,

stick someone in a box and put a label on the outside.

J:/"I was young and shocked that the objectification was so blatant. Not knowing how the "machine" worked, but wanted to let people know about the music, reach an audience by talking about the band, play the game, find that middle, and I didn't know anyone who found it. When I went looking for it, I may have let the pendulum swing too far to the other side- , I don't know."

J:/ "And, encounters between people run the gamut- , casual, physical, or more. Intimacy is about caring, investment. This was touched on earlier.

J:/ "There's really no comparing. Drawing a parallel between familiarity and how she may remember, reflect or did at the time, investment and familiarity were being compared to encounters, uh-, people who had other motives, people who had selfish agendas. To say it's apples and oranges is an understatement."

C:/ "In the naiveté of youth, I couldn't see a distinction, I was also, looking for something I couldn't or wasn't going to be able to find, in those places I was looking. Well, I found what I was looking for, in one or two of those places." She looked over at J. J looked back knowingly.

J:/ "And, to go even broader, what was happening with the emergence of the band was also happening between us." I didn't think shooting myself in the foot would help, I was getting much more than what I had expected and I didn't think that limits and labels around it were a good idea."

C:/ "We had limitations in front of us everyday already, people saying 'No'.

J:/ "I wanted to be one hassle free part of her life. What mattered- , she gave willingly and completely."

C:/ "That's all any of us can hope for. I didn't want a box and label. Never have, never will. It wasn't authentic to me. I moved in the direction of what felt right, intuitively, still try to. And, like we've said, creativity doesn't thrive around limitations."

J: / "Living it everyday, playing, writing, performing, it was happening. I had a muse, a collaborator, and got to watch her discover that she was these things, too. I found out that I was who I thought I was. I'm not an ultimatum kind of person, and I was getting a lot of what I wanted, a great deal of it unexpected, it had it's moments."

C:/ "I got confirmation, my risk taking and creativity were rewarded. These risks I took, and things I tried because they were presented to me, they manifested. And, I watched- "

J:/ "From a place close by, watched as we were was rewarded creatively, to perform, to write. She found out that she had these abilities, and courage to risk and maybe fail, which gave me courage, a little at a time, to try new things."

C:/ "It's huge to be nearby and watch someone I care about in their creativity and succeed."

D and I look at each other. J catches the look between us.

J:/ You both know what we are talking about.

J:/ "We were living it everyday, it was happening. So many aspects that will never be conveyed in a script or choreographed and shot, but I hope comes across if even in subtext, anyway.

C:/ "In the grand scheme of things, it may've actually been a set up, a precursor to telling the rest of the story- "

J looks over at C, smiles.

J:/ Would I preferred it not be leaked at all? It's hard to say, time has passed, I've gotten a lot of what I wanted."

D and I both smile knowingly at each other and J gives us a look.

J:/ "Yeah, sure, it has it's sensual element to it, I can say that without feeling self conscious. We were young, and it had it's visual appeal. It's authentic, it's my history, and hers, too."

C:/ "And, that's what she intrinsically understood, that others may not have. Yeah, we're different. I was half of the relationship. It was authentic for me to be in it, I'm an open person, to act on what I felt. I didn't want the judgment that went with Us/Them labeling. That's how it all ties together."

J:/ "Who wants to be relegated to Them? It's creative suicide."

C:/ "It took time to get here, it didn't happen overnight. This is mature reflection, and acceptance, over quite some time."

J:/ "We can be very different from each other, around some things, sometimes that works for us, and it can be challenging when we both feel passionately."

C:/ By the time she sat for the interviews that became the outline for the script, I knew that it was Ok. I could feel that she was ready. And she trusted the people involved.

And, as much as we don't like to admit it when it goes against our idea of how we think things should be, our perception can get skewed, things happen for a reason- It may as well be this story that would shed some light, a relationship that is not only meaningful -"

J:/ But themes that are timeless. The best case scenario that could have happened, did. The cut of the film we saw showed a caring relationship, the center of the story, was the heart of the film. I couldn't have asked for better."

LATER

Car service took us back to the hotel. As we headed inside, J looked at me.

J:/ "You two up for coming by, having a nightcap?"

"Sure, whatever that means." I laughed.

"You got it in you there, D?."

D:/ "Sure, I have the stamina of a teenager." She said, laughing.

J looked at me and I rolled my eyes, mouthing the words 'She's gonna be the death of me.'

J smirked but didn't give me away.

Inside, the large luxury suite, J walked to the full kitchen, whipped out major accouterment for 'boat' drinks.

"Hey!, your suite is bigger than mine." I exclaimed.

She shot me a look of playful 'of course it is.'

We sat down on a couple of couches, D on my right, turned partially so she can make eye contact with C, and I could slip my hand around her waist.

J started arranging bar standard tom collins glasses, red straws, citrus wedges, perfectly cubed, crystal clear ice, tropical fruit, colored toothpicks and, the coup de grâce, paper umbrellas. Mixing and pouring tea, fruit juice and sparkling water.

D:/ "Wild, every freakin' detail- "

C:/ "Yeah, she gave up the alcohol, but kept the glamour. Not just in the glassware, right, Babe."

J:/ "Your words, not mine, but sure, that works."

D:/ "I'm just curious, you don't travel with all this stuff, do you?"

J:/ "No, but I can see that someone could think that. It's a special request that a good hotel can provide. It's on loan from the bar downstairs. For a nominal fee, and it's added to the bill."

C:/ "We've completely dominated the conversation tonight, you've both hardly got a word in. Especially you." She said as she looked at D.

D:/ "We tend to chat it up quite a bit between ourselves during our alone time. And, when we've got press, we're talking all day, so it's kind of a nice change. This, both of you in the same room, cannot be duplicated. And, you weren't with us as much, and I had school during the shoot, so to have you here now is great, right K?"

"You kidding, it does not get any better than this, trust me."

J:/ "But, you do seem like something's amiss, K?"

I look at D. "You both have said that, to me separately, already."

D:/ "Is this about before?"

I keep my eyes on D. "Honey, this can wait 'til later."

I look to both J and C.

"No offense, right?"

C:/ "No, of course not. We're good either way. Right J?"

J:/ "It's whatever you feel comfortable with, you know that."

I take a deep breath and slide into D's side.

C:/ Laughs "I'm just tripping, it's like a flashback, seeing myself, like before but with better communication skills, what about you J?"

J:/ "Sure, I'd be knocked over if I hadn't gotten used to it already. This is what we saw during filming, now there's transparency."

C:/ "We could see it then, but only in spurts. And, we had to look beyond you each being one of us, to see who you are."

Now it's, in the moment, right in front of us."

C:/ "And, you had a parent on set, sometimes, so maybe not so much of the being 'like this'?"

D and I look at each other feeling a bit self conscious.

C:/ "You're being yourselves, it's great."

J:/ "And, like I said before, the chemistry served us, that this just is- , it made your portrayals of Us real for the storytelling."

J:/ "That is one of the things the cut we saw of the film got right. Showing us together, what our feelings were, that our intimacy had a beginning, a middle and an end. I was pleased with that, along with many other aspects I felt were done so well."

C:/ "I like that we saw a somewhat traditional high school friendship, with a bonus, because that is how it was."

J:/ "Well, yeah, the chemistry is a bonus all the way around. It was crucial it be almost tangible."

"The chemistry brought aspects to me of what a part of your young lives were probably like. Ironically, with filming over, I'm living it but don't need it for reference. But don't mistake me, it's a gift."

D:/ "It's funny because we don't really talk about it. A little between her and I, but mostly it just 'is'. We're in it, day to day, a little at a time. And, working too, so that gives each day a focus, and the luxury and the privacy."

She paused, saying this out loud seemed to be liberating for her. I knew the girls got it, what this was, I could feel it, they lived it. It was priceless to have this brief, like minded exchange.

"We both really wanted these roles. I was touched when I first saw it, how meaningful it was to her to, not be treated like a kid actor."

J:/ "Sure, thats a huge coup, something the rest of us take for granted."

D:/ "Yeah, I really wanted this part. Then this" D gestures her hand back and forth between us to indicate this, our being together "however someone wants to phrase it. She treats me as a peer. No questions asked. No hesitation."

"We've seen it forever, the hardest transition to make creatively is to have success in childhood and parlay that into a meaningful career as an adult."

J and C looked at each other. "We know, same for us."

D:/ "Yeah, you get it- "

J:/ "We do, and every time I think I've counted all the commonalities, another is revealed- "

C:/ "I know, crazy. That being said, I don't diminish that **this**" she motions toward D and I, "has it's own set of challenges."

"Well, I wouldn't trade places with either of you, I think I'll stick with, looking over at D, "the devil I know beats the devil I don't."

D leans into me, smiling "That's clever, as long as that doesn't imply that I am the devil?"

"Of course not" I say winking at J and C, but out of D's eye line.

"Each new day, it's not just waking up, it's an adventure, I laughed, somewhat exasperatingly.

J looked at me.

J:/ "I should get to my groveling, what about you?"

"Me too, I think I just dug myself in a little deeper. Wish me luck."

J:/ "Good luck. She said, laughing.

It's quiet for a minute. It's been a long day.

"We got full kabuki to remove, and when I get tired I get lazy about doing it well. I pay for it the next day when I do a half ass job."

D:/ "Me too, we could probably call it, Yeah"

At the suite door, we lean in for parting affection.

While I hugged C, I whispered "-this is the first time since wrap, Me and J, back like we were, like those times, rehearsals, the shoot, hell, back to Seattle."

C:/ "I know she's happy about it, too."

"We got press, late morning, the wires. Should be good, I actually like some of the regulars for AP so- "

D:/ "And, thankfully, they didn't schedule it too early."

"We'll see you there."

On our way we stopped into my suite.

"I need to grab a couple things- , get outta this dress."

D flops down onto the sitting room's main couch as I head for my suite's bedroom.

I throw my shoes on the floor, open a drawer, dig around.

I grabbed clothes, toothbrush, charger for the Blackberry. I place these items on the half circular table near the entryway.

I walked into the main room with a pair of cropped yoga pants slung over my shoulder.

I stopped at the arm of the couch.

Resuming our conversation from the corridor, " - So, were you surprised, you looked surprised, and when -"

Seems D wasn't really listening to me. She's looking at me, but not registering that she is actually hearing me.

"I saw the look on your face, and- "

I reached my hand around to my upper back, and realized I couldn't reach the zipper. I turned my back to D to help.

LATER

D:/ "You don't think they were offended, right?"

"That we hesitated to share the uh- "

D:/ "Yeah, I mean, I could've but it just- "

"I wouldn't worry about it. J doesn't care, trust me. As far as C, I can't read her as well. But, she's smart, mature and genuinely wants to connect, albeit voluntarily. She's liberal rebel, I'm sure that just grows with her time on the planet."

D:/ "Good, because I didn't want to be inauthentic just to even shit out. As if I ever could." She laughed.

"That little gem J threw out there, Wow."

"Honey, that was nothing compared to what I got up here." I said pointing to my head.

D:/ "Are you bummed that the script never had a scene backstage in Japan of you and three young, japanese girls?"

"How'd you know about that?"

She flings her right arm out with her index finger pointing at me.

D:/ "Geez K, I was guessing, but you gave it away- "

"Aaahhhm You tricked Me! Fanning, you play dirty, you know that."

D:/ "Look out for the clever ones, Stewart." She said, laughing.

Later

"Come here" I pull her closer to me. "Are you warm enough?"

D:/ "Yeah."

"Sleepy?"

D:/ "Yeah, I'm gonna be out in just a minute."

She shifts around, settling in the middle atop me, laying her head sideways on my chest.

D:/ "Just 'til I fall asleep, Ok?"

"Sure."

"D, -I'm sorry about before- , that I made you cry- "

D:/ "Hon, tomorrow- , we can talk about it."

And, just like that she was asleep.

The next morning

Light was making it's way into the room, I could sense it's brightness without opening my eyes.

My next awareness is that I have the front of D, well right in front of me. Usually she's either behind me, I'm behind her, or she's at my side, and I'm on my back.

My face is up against her neck and I can feel the front of her body. Am I dreaming? Maybe this is a dream.

She must've felt my breathing shift.

D:/ "-hey, are you awake?"

"Mmmm, if I'm not dreaming, I guess I'm awake- "

It's quiet for a few minutes, I realize she doesn't want to move yet.

I close my eyes and breathe in the smell of her skin.

Lastly, I become aware that facing this direction, I immediately want to jump up, and brush my teeth.

She asked me how I slept.

"Good, you?" I say into the side of her neck

D:/ "Yeah uh- "

There's a catch in her response that stirs my curiosity.

"D, spill, what are you not saying?"

D:/ "Nothing, I just don't want you to move yet- "

"Oh, believe me, the only direction I want to move is closer, if that's possible."

D:/ "-mmmm, do whatever you gotta do." she laughed.

"So, what do you know about this?"

D:/ "What do you mean?"

"Coy again, I see."

D:/ "I was awake a couple hours ago, before I went back to sleep, and- "

"Go on-"

D:/ "I talked you into moving around- "

"And?"

D:/ "- and what?"

"You seem to be hesitating"

D:/ "Uh. No. Maybe. Yeah."

"Go on."

D:/ "I was talking to you, and you were answering me."

"Really, I answered you?"

D:/ "Do you remember?

"Uh, no, what did we talk about?"

D:/ "You just said yes and no."

"And, I asked you what my name is"

"Please tell me I got it right" I said, laughing.

D:/ "Yeah, I'd be pissed if you didn't. You may've wound up on the floor- " She laughed.

D:/ "But aren't you more interested in the rest?"

"Sure, but I trust you, it's not like it was anything sinister, right?"

D:/ "You so sure, huh?"

"Well, I get there's the try this and let's see what happens- "

D:/ "I talked you into moving around, and you did, like, you did what I said"

"Hmmmm, what else?"

D:/ "No really, that was wild." She said, animated, or as animated as she gets. And it's morning.

D:/ "No resistance, It was wild. So much easier than when you're awake." she laughed, her laughter making her body shake. She thought this was hilarious.

D:/ "Wish I knew this at the beginning of press tour. I want to do it again. Go back to sleep" she said, still laughing.

"So this isn't about the talking part?"

"Well, not so much, you'll tell me when you're awake, what I want to know if I ask, it's the other stuff. You without the resistance, you're a whole different person, -mmmm."

"Oh, so you want me to be someone else? Isn't it a little soon in this together to be bored with me and wanting me to role play?" I said suggestively and laughed.

D:/ "I didn't mean that way."


	4. A Kid and A Woman, All At Once

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

**New:** Possibly still issues with consistency of tense. Shout out thanks for the reviews – and the FanFic members who put my Fic on alert. Thank you! I shortened my original content for this chapter, pardon if it feels rushed.

I tried another character's POV, it's at the end, it was requested. And, seems other Fics do this quite well. A reviewer asked about the perceived identity of the person in the phone call from chap 3. I said I wouldn't address what is 'gossiped' about, so send along a PM - I'll reveal my source but prefer it's off the record.

Note: Generic events and locations, does not following the actual promo timeline or the areas the junkets took place in. We're seeing them in closed, PR events. I don't address paparazzi, or what is alleged or gossiped about. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project.

I updated the summary, and still feel strange that these are real people and using their names. But, TR movie was amazing. And I want my fic to be searchable with the other TR stories.

-xXx-

"As much as I want remain captive in this sensual labyrinth, ensnared in the clutches of your infinite allure, I must brush my teeth, and it's probably a good idea to find out what time it is."

D:/ "I haven't looked yet, but yes, I release you, be on your way- , she let go and I slipped out of her arms and watched over my shoulder as she rolled onto her back, and smiled at me.

"So, you want breakfast, right? We should order soon." She said as I walked out of the room.

We ordered and while we waited for room service "Come back to bed" she called.

I walked in with my Blackberry, in mid text.

"You'll be done soon, right?" she said, impatiently.

She looked over at me, I finished the text I was sending to my mom, with an exaggerated, obvious flourish, and switched the Blackberry off.

D:/ "Get in" she pulled back the bed dressing, "you feel better?"

"Yeah, can't have any conversation beyond hand signals until I brush."

I crawled in, mimicking her positioning, she was on her side, her head propped up on her palm.

She ran her foot up my calf, under the sheet.

I tried not to react, attempting to hold out as long as possible as if I don't feel what she was doing.

She looked into my eyes. I held her gaze while she repeated this motion, wordlessly.

She didn't blink, I didn't speak. And we're in a staring match, playfully seeing who is going to give in first.

A few minutes go by.

"Ok, I give" I said, "you win."

D:/ "Yes." She raised up, shooting her arms over her head in victory.

"When you're like this, I want half of whatever you're on."

D:/ "Just me."

"How'd you sleep?"

D:/ "Good, I'm not remembering my dreams, that happens sometimes, I know I dreamed, but don't remember them."

"Yeah, that happens to me. Waking up now, is better than being asleep, except for the rest part. That's key. I need my sleep."

She brushed the back of her hand against my arm that's holding up my head, while I'm trying to figure out what's going on behind those eyes.

D:/ "If I stop and think about being here, it trips me out, and other times, I've gotten used to it, and it just feels like another work day."

"You tripping this second, like you're not here?"

D:/ "No, I'm here, but kinda surreal. More so other times. I'm not sure how to explain it- "

She paused.

D:/ "And, the idea that there's- "

" -the ticking clock."

D:/ "Yeah, it's in the back of my head- "

"-letting go's gonna suck ass- "

D:/ "Yeah, no kidding."

It was quiet again, no distracting game. Just the words and their implication hanging in the room.

She turned over, pulling my arm around her, me in close behind her, my hand in both of hers.

Room service arrived shortly after interrupting our quiet, which I felt resentful about. We still needed to both get ready up to show up for panels.

I brought our food and the carafe of coffee into the bedroom and got back in bed.

"We should eat in here."

D:/ "Sure, what are you up to?"

"Just for a change."

A few minutes of quiet, and I looked over at her attempting to gauge her mood.

"What? I can feel you looking at me?"

I put my plate on the bedside table.

LATER

We arrive at the designated waiting area after passing through hair and makeup and having our street clothes be deemed camera ready. While waiting to be escorted into the convention size room where the first gaggle awaits, we see J & C, and wave to them to step out into the corridor.

Greetings all around.

"Hon, I'm gonna take a minute with J, Okay?"

She smiled.

D:/ "Sure"

I take J aside, twenty or so steps down the corridor.

"Hey"

J:/ "How are you?"

"Good" I smile "what about you?"

J:/ "Good" She smiled, shaking her head.

"How'd the groveling work out for you?"

J:/ "Not bad, I did Ok. I've been at it awhile" She laughed. "What about you?"

"It's part of an ongoing conversation during this. She let it go, for now. Mature, and gracious, over time she'd tire of it, I'm sure, but for now, it Ok."

J:/ "Good, Oh, thanks for saving me. You brought it, the way you went to 'atmosphere' of your recollect, the, uh story I told you, K, that was stellar. Saved me a lot of - , well, God knows what rabbit I'd have to pull outta the hat to walk that one back. She's tough, and she's not. Been to hell and back, but she breaks like a little girl. With everything that still needs to, well, we have commitments, and we do have to expect certain situations and the feelings that go with them, well, I am- , I'm grateful."

"Sure, I was happy to. I hadn't put words to it, or said it out loud, but right then it was effortless. The words just came, and it was like I remember, saying it was like how it felt to hear it when you told it. For a few minutes, I was back there again. It reminded me of Seattle."

J:/ "Me too. And, she saw the bigger picture, what my intent was in telling it, a measure of the bond."

"Hey, uh, there's something I'm thinking about- , you read me, because you can, and I covered before because I wasn't ready to think about it, much less talk about it. And it's a longer conversation than what we can have now, since we're waiting for them to call us in, but later, you think you can make some time?"

J:/ "We have flights when panels are over, but I'm sure we can work something out."

She meets my eyes, knowingly, with warmth. She knows me, that asking like this, isn't easy for me.

Over J's shoulder I see that C and D are walking toward us as they are talking.

D:/ "They just called five minutes, so anything immediate you want to take care of before the throngs are unleashed?"

"No, I think I'm good, I glance at J, and over at C, "you ready?" as I take D by the arm walking close to her.

"D, we're ready?" I glance sideways, smiling.

D:/ "Ready, let's go."

LATER

We emerge from the convention room and head for the elevators.

"That wasn't bad, and we're done at a decent time."

D is scrolling through her Blackberry while walking next to me.

J:/ "Hey, so you got a few minutes in a while?"

"Yeah, text me, I want to take care of a couple things, let me know when you're dropping by."

LATER

"D, J texted me, she's coming by for a few minutes, we're gonna take a walk."

D looks up from the script she's reading. The next opportunity, the next part is always being chased after.

"Sure."

"You want anything while we're out?"

D:/ "No, I"m good. You're coming back right?" She says with a teasing smile.

I look at her.

"Come here first" she says holding out her arm for me.

I walk over as she stands up and slips her arms around me.

Just then, J knocks on the suite door.

"Be on your way."

I open the door, J steps in, waved and said "Hi" to D, D said "Hi."

"Can I take your key card?"

"Yeah, it's on the dresser in the bedroom."

"I'll see you in a few-" as I close the door behind us.

Walking down the corridor to the elevator, J comments.

J:/ "You need the DND hanger on the knob in the middle of the day?"

"Maybe. None of your business, ya think" I say playfully.

"Let's go outside, I want to smoke."

We slip out a service elevator and down a flight of stairs to the side of the hotel's property.

I immediately lit up, hit my cigarette, long drag, and exhale.

I realized I haven't been outside in a while.

J:/ "Panels went well, for us. What about you?"

"Yeah, I'm running out of ways to say the same thing convincingly, but I'll just have to make some notes or do some writing, get some shit out, before I sit for this again. That'll freshen it up for next round."

We're walking and she's waiting for me to start.

I don't know how to say what I want to say, so if I jump around- "

J:/ "I think I'll be able to follow along, don't worry about it."

Seattle seems to be a recurring topic recently, that said, in Seattle, I got a healthy dose of mature, creative, adult one-on-one and it may sound a little childish, but I felt a commonality with you because I'd- , seemed like we had connected, even though, I didn't volunteer anything about my background and you being you, didn't ask. But, what I felt, made me more confident in telling your story, the band's story."

And, every new thing I get brought teaches me something, shows me something- , when I'm _awake_ I can see it."

For the first time in my _short_ adult life, it has occurred to me what I thought I lived, turned out- , I let my sentence trail off

"There's no easy way to- "

Before I got here, and we, D and I, got to have this, I thought I'd had been intimate, and I was, but I wasn't."

"And, I realize now- , with her- "

"Your suite, the four of us, the last city, after the _after party_- , we bailed when we did because I hadn't thought ahead, or mentioned that when the four of us sit down, I'm afraid that something is going to get brought up that's just going to send me over the edge.

Between you and Me J, I've been here before- "

"The idea, even in the slightest that I jump in bed on location could be construed against me, and now at a time when it matters- , that she wouldn't know how meaningful this is to me."

"The details are irrelevant, and I'm not saying I have regrets, I don't, but, there was a point when I saw a truth I hadn't seen before. And, I let circumstances, distance and all the things about how difficult having a personal life while having this kind of career, I let those work in my favor, work for me and I bowed out."

She winked at me, letting me know that she got what I was saying.

"I told you that, so I could tell you this."

"Even with the obvious similarity, shared commonalities, some of them more blatant that others, it didn't feel like this- , this is beyond- "

I'm thinking about what I want to say to her, to let her know how I feel, what I feel- , without overwhelming her."

I know feelings are subjective, so to me, she's beautiful, smart, her soul, her talent, that body- ,

I hit my cigarette and exhaled.

"-all of it's burgeoning sixteen year old-ness" I shook my head, I hadn't heard myself say the words aloud.

"Each day I wake up, there's a new, sensual, scenario to enjoy, but _not too much_ -" I laughed.

J looked at me.

"I don't envy you that one at all. That middle, day after day. Uugghh"

"Yeah, night after night, I think is what you meant."

J:/ "Yeah, I was being subtle." She laughed.

"She has constructed her life away from work to have a traditional high school experience. A conscious choice. It's a bold decision, one I can't compete with."

"Maybe college too, don't even bother drilling down to the specifics of someone her own age who can touch her, which I technically can't do. That makes me insane. Fuck." I hit my cigarette and shake my head.

"A popular- , someone she's sees everyday, or my worst nightmare, someone who can offer her a 'traditional' couple experience- , there's a huge draw to that. I'm not saying I don't bring assets, I do. She made a choice to have as much of this with me that she can have, her words. But, we haven't discussed personal history, I can't bear to think about it. I don't want to have any images or thoughts in my head that make what's already in my head even more difficult."

J:/ "You've run smack head on into what all of us, the creatives run into. Can I have my expression, my art, with the limitations of this choice, and have a rich, rewarding intimate life away from it. Welcome to the big world, this is where the serious get separated from the novices."

"Oh yes, it's occurred to me that I'm looking at a game changer, here in this city, one of the days that's a pivot in my evolution. It's scary and it's exciting. And, thinking about going back to her suite, and she's reading or whatever, and that look I'm gonna get when I walk in and she'll reach for me- "

Pause

"It's so pure. It's beautiful. Desire, the wheels turning when she's figuring something out, playful sometimes, and of course, serious too."

"She's a kid and a woman, all at once- "

"-and the reveal, watching her be in it, this look of intent fascination. When she reaches for me, and looks in my eyes, watching for my reaction, watching for the sensation, the electricity shooting through me, the power she feels. The power her touch has over me. Seeing her experience that. Sometimes, she tries to conceal it, other times she's just in it, unaware and I watch her be in it."

J:/ "I empathize, this, I've been there. Some differences, but very much a similar circumstances-, how special it is. Hey, even if we talk just physical chemistry that is a challenge enough to manage. Combine that with shared values, a creative basis for collaboration, willingness to fly blind into the unknown, living with fear, and we've described something that doesn't happen much, it's truly a gift when it happens mutually. Been there, and it's made me who I am- , ironically, something the four of us all have in common."

"Yeah, crazy isn't it. It's why I knew you could hear it, and for whatever reason, today it's just up for me. Probably because it's a new time zone, getting ready to do this again, panels, screenings, grin and grip, all over again, back to back."

The clock is ticking. We move onto other commitments, and our paths crossing again is going to be professional, brief and different. This window is going to close."

J:/ "Well, yeah. This door closes, sure. But, we both know, the only way to live, that serves us, is to be here now, and don't bring the weight of fear into it."

"A lot easier said- "

"Yeah, I know, be willing to show up for the next thing."

We've had this conversation before, it's whatever it is that you find that lets you do what you do. That openness that lets you be a channel for art to come through you, or however you describe it. I've heard many artistic people use a similar description."

"Is what is next for me brought in a beautiful, human experience that makes letting go worthwhile, the courage to let go and face the unknown."

J:/ -and ask for strength. Who knows what the future holds. But, it is difficult, I know. It's easier when it's just work, the next gig, but when- ,

She paused, we took twenty or so steps in silence as I was letting the gravity of the words, have some space and some silence.

J:/ "-it's personal for you, with her in it."

LATER

We're in D's bed, winding down at the end of the day

She's laying on her side, two pillows shoved under her head, facing me.

The back of her fingers lightly brush my forearm, she looks at me

D:/ "-mmmm"

Oh, I'm in trouble-, her wheels turning behind those eyes.

D:/ "So, what did you and J talk about? Care to share?"

"Before panels or when we went for a walk?"

D:/ "Which ever?"

"Ok, before the panels, she thanked me for the save, during dinner, when I told the 'recollect' from the ethereal point of view. She said she didn't have to grovel as much. It was the least I could do, that story, well, I'm glad I could help her out is the short version."

D:/ "Good, I felt that C appreciated how it evened out, she was visibly relieved. Speaking of previous conversations- "

She paused again.

D:/ "You called it, I did need to touch up my make up for the obvious reason- , But, it wasn't just- , it was a couple things- "

"And- "

D:/ "I like hassle free, loved that phrase, how J used it, it was so- , unassuming, and gentle. Which is how I feel if I don't let certain things get in the way- "

I watched her pace her words and consciously take a breath, while she's still stroking my arm which makes me want to grab her and lose myself, instead I take breath and just let the image of that run through my head.

D:/ "I get the pull away, I expect some of that, you're scared- , the words, teasing, curiosity, feel like they diminish this- , until I realize- , You're walking through it, even though you're afraid- , and- , that's courage. When you are sensual in the moment, I see what it is. When it's me, in the moment, just like you- , I'm afraid too, I don't know how to manage the middle, and I hope to God I'm not gonna fuck it up- "

D:/ "So we can skip your long drawn out whatever you were gonna say before I fell asleep right?"

"Who said it was going to be a long drawn out- "

D:/ "Please, like I don't at least know that about you by now?"

"It's self expression, even if it might be long and drawn out. It's a good thing being in the world gave me a thick skin."

D:/ "If you really want to go into it- "

"No, I'm just playing off what you said, if it mattered, I'd be on it, make you listen." I laughed.

D:/ "As well meaning as the girls are, I didn't want to have that conversation- , in front of them"

"I get that- "

D:/ "I appreciate that there's cross over here, commonality, similarity, all that, but sometimes- "

"I wonder how much is projection, they're seeing what they want to see-"

D:/ "Yeah, doesn't lend itself to objectivity. I feel typecast, sometimes, and that's not bad, it's a bubble, and when it's done, it's done and it'll never be exactly like this again- "

"In a couple ways, not just that"

D:/ "I know."

"What did you and C talk about?"

She looked at Me, with a knowing squint, her head turned away from me but looking at me out of the corner of her eye.

D:/ "Well, how glad we both are that the first city promo went as well as it did, press was manageable, screening was well received, good turn out, decent after party, and the four of us getting time together when the work portion was done. We were both relieved that the palatable tension between the two of you, is done. I know I am, you're so much more relaxed, with that over with."

We laughed.

D looked at me with that sparkle in her eye, and reached for me.

D:/ "Is J giving you grief?

"Just how long it's going to be until I cave."

D:/ "Oh, she didn't. That's just, it's funny, but it's kinda mean" but she can't not laugh.

"You say it's mean, yet you laugh, you think that's funny, and it's directed at me, by the way."

"A little, I don't get teased that way. It's put on you. I can't say I know what it about."

"She's just insinuating that you're too much for me, that's all." I say, laughing.

D:/ "Oh, so it's being put off on me?"

"No, no, she, she just can't imagine that kind of restraint."

D:/ "Yeah, Ok, if you say so."

"It's the highest compliment to you and your allure. In the best way, she sees you through my eyes."

D:/ "Well, I could ease up a little bit, right, not push you so much-"

"Oh, D, it's not a burden, it's incredible, I feel all the same want too, I'd be heartbroken if you didn't effortlessly reach for Me- "

-xXx-

DPOV

The suite bedroom is mostly dark, a bit of ambient light is drifting in the doorway.

I roll over reaching, realizing K is not next to me.

I touch the spot where she had been, it's no longer warm.

She's been away awhile.

I wobble out of bed toward the suite's main room.

She's on the couch- , she looked up at me.

K:/ "Sorry, did I wake you?"

"You coming back to bed?"

K:/ "Can't sleep- , come here." She held out her arm to me.

I walk over and she moves to make room for me.

I lay down, and she pulls me in close, breathing into my neck

K:/ "D- "

"Is it the time zone, we just got here and- ?"

K:/ "Could be-"

It's quiet for a few minutes.

I don't know what to say, the lightness that's usually in her demeanor doesn't seem to be there. And, from what I've witnessed, she usually sleeps through the night.

"So, come back to bed, if you get tired, we're already- "

K:/ "just another minute, Ok?"

We make our way back to the suite's bedroom after a bit, I crawl in, pulling her with me. She's behind me, in close, I can feel her breathing.

"You can tell me- " I say, my words projected in the opposite direction of her at my back.

K:/ "if I could get the words out- "

I turned around to face her, In this light, searching her eyes, I can only see her face partially, but she looked directly at me.

She brings her lips to my ear, the ear that's on the pillow, so I have to turn my head to accommodate her face squeezed into that limited space.

As soon as her words are out, I understand why she chose that ear.

K:/ "I want you, I- , I can't not- , want you- "

She breathes deep, a laboring inhale and exhale. The words together with their implication and the sensation of the closeness, the proximity is intoxicating, more so than what I have experienced and managed to maintain up to now. Every atom is ignited in me as I move into her body, awaiting the next thing she is going to say.

K:/ "_Right this second, is a weak moment-_ "

I took a deep breath, "-mmmm- " I couldn't help it, the sound was a completely involuntary response, escaping against my will.

I wait, letting the emotion that is emanating from her have some space here between us.

She's always controlled and confident in her ability to manage our being Us. Even when she's sensual in the moment, she doesn't seem like she is doubting her wherewithal. It's not controlled in a bad way, not in a way that makes me doubt how she feels. It's more in a way that says logic wins. Not now, however, this is raw, almost like it has mass.

It doesn't seem like it's just physical, a fleeting triggered impulse manifesting from some random, outside stimuli- , a flash of lust not reigned in. This is something deeper. This is the firing of concurrent cylinders -trust, commonality, physicality, openness, shared experience. The mechanism of a deep connectedness, that has been being managed thoughtfully and consciously over time. As if the end product is the natural culmination of this combination, and to halt it is to interrupt it's evolution.

My mind is flying at light speed, as my body crawls along trying to keep up. I want to convey that I hear what she has revealed, but words seem to feel insignificant. Instinctively I hold her closer. She responds in kind, moving closer to me. My heart is racing, and even if words did feel like they could attempt to convey what I feel, I can't access any this second. Hopefully, the silence is speaking for me.

I wait, letting myself feel how the energy and the presence of her in my arms in her vulnerability, not wanting to try to rush to fix it.

Until, while those thoughts are in my head, in a spontaneous action, I pull away, sit up partially-

I roll her gently onto her back and crawl on top of her. My lips meet hers at the same time that I put my arms around her neck and shift from leaning left to leaning right.

I withdraw briefly and lean left again, and seek her tongue with mine- , she drew in her breath and parted her lips, not resisting any of these advances, willingly accepting all, while her hands snake up my sides and around me, closely, tightly.

Kissing her like this, mouth, lips, the tip of my tongue, more of my tongue and then a combination of those again and again, seems to be what has both relieved her anxious mood of a few minutes before- , while exploding the energy generated between us that we've so consciously kept reigned in.

K:/ "D, oh God, you feel so good, FUCK!, mmmm, oh- "

I had expected, anticipated and hoped that it would feel like this, soft, her lips are soft, to say passionate is an understatement. She kisses me with ease and abandon, like an art form that is intuitive yet I don't want to say practiced, because I don't want to imagine that she has done this, while feeling this, with anyone else, although logically I have to assume- "

I can't think of that, all I can think of is how I feel, how her hips, torso and chest feel against me while I have her here like this- ,

My head is spinning- , a hundred times during the previous weeks, I wanted this.

She intrinsically understands the sensuality of mouths, kissing, lips, tongues, her pace is slow then picks up speed slightly, and she alternates just lips to the tip of her tongue, and her full tongue to just lips again, I am convinced only some people understand how imperative this is to connecting, or the connecting happens first, but it's also technique and something else I don't have a word for.

That what she feels for me is manifesting in the act of touching and kissing. This is what making love must feel like, some of it, part of it, hearing her voice, the involuntary sounds she makes, and my name, hearing how personal it is when my name falls from this incredible mouth, while she's feeling this, while her hands move from my back to my torso, down my arms, and pulling my arms over my head, opening up my body, and taking my hands, entwining our fingers, while she deepens our kissing, if that's possible, and running her hands back down my arms and- , and- , I'm shaking except I'm calm, I'm every juxtaposed cliche all at the same time.

I break away for a second to catch my breath.

And she looks into my eyes, and seeing the look in her eyes, that's even more revealing and intimate, than what we've just done, more than touching, and the kissing, and what I've just been feeling, and I think I'm going to lose it, my composure, my mind, it's all just going to slip through my grasp.


	5. Like It's the Last Day on Earth

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

**New:** If the satori experience (all italicized) is unclear or too long, appreciate knowing how it reads. Very distinct possibility there are many issues with consistency of tense. Really appreciate the kind remarks and reviews – and anyone who put my Fic on alert/favorite. Thank you!

Note: I know the tense goes in and out of present and past. Bear with me, it's the best I can do. Some is intentional and some is me screwing it up. And: Generic events and locations, does not following the actual promo time line or the regions the junkets took place. We're seeing them in closed, PR events. I don't address paparazzi, or what is alleged or gossiped about. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project standpoint.

Still feel strange that these are real people and using their names. But, TR movie was amazing. And I want my fic to be searchable with the other TR stories.

-xXx-

DPOV

Relax, it's just intense, and temporarily overwhelming- , the anticipation, finally manifesting- , yeah intense, more than I expected, but that's good.

Since filming, wondering, hoping, anticipating, the reality is- , -mmmm, squared.

Ok, Focus, Breathe, Calm, everything I'm feeling, she's feeling too- , the overwhelming, intensity, it'll pass.

Oh no, I hope not. I hope it never stops, I can't imagine not feeling this every second of my life until I reincarnate.

Ok, that's the intensity again, maybe a bit much, but -mmmm.

What's the logical thing to do?

Keep kissing. No decision has to be made right now, just keep kissing.

That was easy, problem solved.

She's stopping, so we can breathe.

-xXx-

KPOV

She kissed me. She's kissing me now. N-I-C-E, 'mmmm'.

Uh- All I can think of is how amazing-

Just let me keep kissing her-

She's sitting up, pulling me up with her, knees on either side of my-

She has my palm, placing it in the center of her chest over, her heart, and kissing me.

Her skin is soft, her lips, her tongue, her lips and she's reaching, her hand, palm over my heart while she's kissing me.

My heart is pounding under her hand.

Kissing, but she's slowing down, each one slightly slower than the previous, but her sounds- , escaping as she's- ,

She has slowed down, each movement, breath and escaped sound paced, almost purposeful, except it feels random, Uh, -mmmm, that's even better than before.

This could be the equivalent of a mantra, lips, tip of her tongue, lips again, repeat.

We lay back down again.

Kill me now, Heaven and hell have merged, I knew or hoped I would find out if indeed, Oh, it's that good.

She is kissing me like it's the last day on earth. Maybe it is.

Sitting up again, pulling me up, she takes ahold of both my hands, moving my arms out, running her hands along my arms, when they reach my hands she takes my hands and she pulling my arms behind my back and holds them there.

Long, deep kiss and breaks away so we can breathe.

She pulls away for a second, meeting my eyes. Twinkling, I've seen that before when she looks at me, now it's mixed with the kissing, and the energy in the room, and she's holding my gaze until she leans in again for another kiss, then moves her mouth to my ear, whispering-

D:/ "I have an idea, c'mon-"

She gets out of bed, pulling me by the hand.

D:/ "Oh, put your shoes on-" I look around near my side of the bed and slip them on as she walked around to each of the four corners of the bed, pulling up the warmest blanket, bundling it in her arms, one side hanging over and almost tripping on it.

D:/ "Let me grab my slippers."

She has me by the hand.

D:/ "Let's go out to the balcony."

Before we try to get outside, she wraps the blanket around both of us, struggling to get to the door handle, turn the lock and swing the door open.

D:/ "oh- check it's unlocked before it closes, I don't want to get stuck out here." She laughed.

I grabbed the handle and flipped it to check that it was indeed unlocked before I let the door close.

We had to take tiny, shuffling steps to get to the railing, but when I looked up, the night sky was a rich, dark, deep blue. Stars everywhere.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I looked at her.

"D, good idea. Full of good ideas, I see. That first one, E-P-I-C-!"

She smiled, leaned in and kissed me again

D:/ "You liked that, huh?"

"Uh, yeah"

D:/ "I thought about what you said."

More kissing.

She continued after we stopped to breathe.

"When you were making fun of me- , a lot."

D:/ "Yeah, then, I was teasing you about it but, I was listening, I heard you- "

Motioning upward toward the sky and encompassing the evening almost early morning atmosphere, the depth of magnificence surrounding us.

D:/ " -this is meaningful to you, how it makes you feel, and I wanted to have a little time for us- , under a great night sky" she paused, "before we freeze our asses off, anyway."

D:/ "Oh, and by the way, I take back my cynicism about Helen of Troy" she said right before she kissed me again.

"Oh, so a different perspective?"

Kiss.

D:/ "in the last hour- "

Kiss.

"Yeah?"

Kiss.

D:/ "Reset the meter, -oh Helen."

Kiss.

"Oh Paris"

LATER

I woke up and my first thought was I _not_ in some unpredictable, D concocted quasi-intimate scenario- , in the clutches of little she devil's sinister master plan for me to lose what's left of my mind. She's actually still asleep, looking angelic. Seeing her peaceful, benign face makes me almost feel guilty for that thought, until I remember just a few hours ago and there's a whole other side to that _celestial innocent._ The two ends of the spectrum, I was both relieved and disappointed.

I want to go back to sleep, the trick will be if I can actually can. My mind goes to earlier, the middle of the night, the confessions, my verbal one met by her demonstrative one, -mmmm, and the balcony, and the sky- ,

I close my eyes, and think about what it takes to relax enough to fall back to sleep, turn over in her arms. She stirs briefly but seems to be undisturbed.

LATER

Before I open my eyes, I reached my arms out, _arched my back, cat stretch,_ my leg muscles flex to pointed toes, for whatever reason, without being consciously aware of it.

D:/ "-mmmm, hey, wow, that was uh nice to watch, -could waking up get much better?"

Oh, _you know who_ is awake. But thankfully, not contorting all my self control and testing me to have to restrain myself.

D:/ "I guess it falls into the 'atmosphere' category, huh?"

I rolled over, "Is that rhetorical?" My mind instantly goes to at least one option for waking up much better, a second scenario quickly pops into my head.

D:/ "Seems like you slept, right?" she asks lightly, but a hint of concern.

"Yeah, the beautiful sky wound me down."

D:/ "Good" she says as she quite boldly slinks up to the front of me, and burrows her face into my neck, as her arms go around me, settling in with a deep breath.

I had thought, a little too quickly that every over taxed nerve ending in my central nervous system wasn't gonna get it's 16 year old rev up push to the limit workout. I was wrong. It was here. All blonde, blue eyed, five foot and however many inches of it.

"Uh- , mmmm" was all I could string together as a response when my body reacted to how torturously good it feels every waking second that she is like this.

D:/ "Are you sleepy?"

"Yeah, and no. I am relaxed but- "

D:/ "Well, let's get a rough idea of how much of the day is ours, and then decide what's next, how's that?"

"Capital idea, but of course, first on the agenda- "

D:/ "You want to brush your teeth- "

"Uh huh, Mandatory."

D:/ "Go, I already did" she confessed, as she rolled over onto her back to allow me to get up.

"I thought so, no one wakes up looking and smelling that good."

When I returned, she was propped up on one elbow with a smile.

"So, how'd you sleep?" I ask as I crawled back in.

D:/ "Good, a little restless as first. You seemed to fall asleep pretty fast, was wondering if you'd stay asleep, considering- "

"You watched me fall asleep?"

D:/ "Not so much watched, more like I felt it- "

"And?"

D:/ "Well, you know this, you're awake when I fall asleep, right?"

"Yeah, I guess I just don't think about it."

D:/ "Your breathing changed and your limbs relaxed, it's slight, but perceptible."

"I can tell even if I can't see your face."

I smiled to myself, she's quite serious while describing this scenario to me. All I want to do is kiss her. Not that it's not interesting, it's just what it reveals about her, that this is a whole conversation. I don't want to betray what I'm thinking, as it may feel undignified to her.

D:/ "What? You're laughing?"

"Come here."

I pull her to me for a kiss. She relents but won't give me more than one before she interrupts.

D:/ "You're laughing at me?"

"Not AT you- "

D:/ "What?"

"Just kiss me, c'mon, you want to- , don't you?"

She leaned in, kissed me.

D:/ "You should still tell me why you're laughing at me" she said between kisses. She's subtle with both her emotions and her words, not too extreme one way or the other. Consistent almost all the time.

It doesn't take long, all the coiling, pent up 'Uuuhhh' from last night was returning, with claws and teeth.

Kiss, lips- , sounds, and the mantra begins.

More kissing, and hands.

Finally, I manage to squeeze out a sentence.

"D, we should order breakfast, don't you think?"

D:/ "Five more minutes- "

This went on for at least a half hour. I wasn't complaining by any means, although it's different in daylight than in the dark, I don't know how to explain it. I'm not self conscious around her, except this moment- , She seems to be completely relaxed.

"D, uh, - "

I could see the physical manifestations of excitement, color subtly appearing, obvious as it flushes her translucent, porcelain skin. Her movements slowed, and purposeful, how her hands, body and mouth sync as one entity. And the sounds. I was aware of this in the dark, but it's a completely different sensation in the soft light of morning. The visual in my periphery adds a dimension I could sense but couldn't see as vividly, which is it's own unique point of view. Yeah, because I needed more stimuli, ugh. The coil is slowly but consistently being more tightly wound.

"D, -mmmm, I think we should- "

D:/ "Five more minutes- " she whispered.

I wanted to pace myself, it was really early to be this _gone_ already.

Twenty minutes later I finally, gently, pulled away and got her to stop for a minute.

"We should order, at least get it, ordered, uh, on the way here, right?"

I rolled over, sat up and placed my feet with less than sturdy legs onto the floor.

"And some coffee up here, soon."

I handed her the room service menu, from the bedside table, a soft kiss and and walked into the suite's kitchen for a bottled water.

"D, you want a water?"

D:/ "Sure."

Anything to have an excuse to do something else for a minute. The water didn't help much, it was more of a prop than anything else, but the Blackberry could rescue me if I played my cards right.

"What do you think?" I said as I walked in, setting my water down, breaking the seal on the water for her but leaving the cap on loosely. She was looking over the menu choices while she reached for the water.

D:/ "Come back to bed, and I'll decide." That's a no-go, can't do it.

She removed the cap and took a rather long drink of the water.

Immediately, I was jealous of that square bottle and the neck that was again nearing those lips-

D:/ "Whats that look for?"

"Nothing." I said as I shook my head, hoping to let that sordid image shake loose from my mind. I scooped up my Blackberry, and grabbed a pair of jeans I'd left atop the dresser.

"Hon, I'm gonna go to my suite for fresh clothes, text my mom and then we'll order, five minutes?"

I walked to the bathroom, swapped my cropped yoga pants for the denim. She looked absolutely stunning laying there, a little bit sleepy, and sensual disheveled. The suite bedroom is thick with energy, and I almost caved when I looked over at her. I gotta get out of here for a few minutes.

She seems to sense my purpose, not as hesitancy. She had let me go without resistance, but it's more the knowing look in her eye that confirms it for me, now that I've managed to slow the tide.

D:/ "So, I'll get the coffee sent up, how's that?, and, I'll have chosen something by the time you get back."

"Great, give me five minutes." I leaned down, one lingering kiss, as she reached to pull me back into bed, laughing. "Mmmm, D, so tempting- " I managed to escape her arms as I headed for the door.

Back at my suite, I texted Mom, and got out of the t shirt I slept in, and the jeans. Fresh clothes helped, but the basic challenge remains. I have to pace myself. It's far too early in the morning to be this wound up. And, the energy from earlier is compounded, it's cumulative. How to get through the next couple hours without completely giving in. Looking down the road ahead, the city we're in, the next city and the last events at home. It's going to be long in one way, short in another, over too soon and at times excruciating and painful. I can't think of that now. I said five minutes. I want to text Dad too, but I haven't looked at the itinerary for what's later today and how tonight looks like time wise, so I don't know what to tell him about when he can call back. Shit.

LATER

After we were done with our afternoon commitments, the girls were walking with us on the way to our suites.

"So, you want to drop by for a while, hang, relax?"

C's scrolling through the inbox of her Blackberry and isn't paying attention at first, but J who is fully engaged confirms for both of them.

"D, this good?" I ask.

"Sure, as long as it's your suite and not mine. Yours is less lived in, but please tell me you let housekeeping come in and do their job."

This got C's attention.

C:/ "What does that mean?"

D looked at me, a pause to see if I'm going to finish what she started.

"Well, it means we spend most of our time in her suite, and I'm not a big fan of housekeeping being in my room with my stuff when I'm not there. I don't have someone here with me, my things would be with them while I was working."

D:/ "That doesn't sound weird out loud, does it?"

C:/ "Not to me, it's almost worth having someone here just for that."

"Yeah, except for the one drawback."

J looked at me and smiled.

C:/ "Yeah, one more person around."

"Not a huge deal, but limiting the exposure is the best scenario always."

D:/ "So, what should we have sent up, what can we get for you?"

Room service brought crudités , juice, sparkling water, and soda.

J:/ "How's the press pool, they behaving?"

"Since the last round, I got together some points to hit, wrote a bit that hopefully will make it easier for me to reign them in, not let them run away with it- "

D:/ "I get what she's saying, I try to do the same thing, just without having to take pen to paper, or laptop or whatever. I guess it's the project, the novelty aspect, the music as a backdrop, that brings a different element from the start that probably wouldn't be there otherwise. But, I'm tiring of- how do I say this, well, it seems some of them can't stop drooling all over themselves."

I laughed, but I also could feel that as much as she was trying to just say the words, she was also genuinely exasperated.

D:/ "It's like they don't even try to be subtle, polite or anything, I'm so over it." She laughed.

C:/ "Yeah, I wish it was different. I think we both anticipated as much as we could, I think we were all blindsided in a way. I know I was. Not just that I hadn't had any reason to be in front of the press in a long time, but- ,

J:/ "Sure, there was only so much we could plan for. They definitely jumped on a couple things and haven't let go."

C:/ Well, it's confirmation that the contemporary, feminine, attractive personae that the culture expects and rewards, you embody that, if you two didn't they wouldn't bother with you. No matter what the film's themes or the story's implications are."

J:/ "I'd fix it for either of you, if I could."

"I appreciate that, it's a little strange, it's in the back of my mind, ironically, how we spend our evenings, so that's a bit, well, weird" I laughed, running my hand through my hair.

C:/ "Well, it's this story, it's setting, and you're being asked about what is essentially someone else's life, which is different than a fictional character- , I heard you say that earlier." She said looking at D.

J:/ "It's ironic, both of you dancing around what you were told, difficult to balance someone else's privacy, and the insatiable- "

"Yeah, I get that every outlet is pushing for something unique, each one want's a 'scoop' as if there is such a thing- , it's occurred to me that I may be, I don't know giving something away, just because it's emanating from me, like it's coming across in my vibe- "

D:/ "- what are you saying, exactly?"

"Do you want to just burst out laughing -sometimes, I mean- "

C:/ "It's kinda funny."

D:/ "Great, next time, I'm gonna not be able to think about anything but that because you brought this up- "

"How'd you keep a straight face up to now?"

J & C look at each other but laugh at us.

"I get irritated when some 'journalist' tries to pry into my life, attempting to draw me out through _my character,_ and I'm not stupid, I get I'm being baited me, trying to trap me, and I just want to confront them or walk out, but I can't do either, so I try to stick to why I wanted to be part of telling this story and the themes that make it meaningful to me- , some hack did that recently, trying to be all stealth- , it was just so- ,

D reached for me. "I remember. I was sitting next to you, I felt how invasive it was."

J:/ "Talking with press is not easy, and I think it's more difficult now than it was for us. In theory, the idea of how and why we do that is very different than the actual talking with them. What it is in theory is so different than what it is in practice. And, it's kind of always been that way, and it's that way with a lot of things. A lot of life is like that. Different in theory than it is in practice."

D:/ "Sometimes, it's better."

"True, life is unexpected, and, you pointed out, it's good unexpected too."

Now I've lost my train of thought because my mind has just- , blanked- , as I thought back to the first day of promo and it feels like it was yesterday, and in a rush of images, sounds, memories and feelings, I realize that quite a few days spread over a few weeks that's been this promo tour is flying by and if I blink- ,

The prospect of time, what's behind us and spent, what's in front of us yet to be and the pending letting go.

D:/ "K, we lost you- "

J makes eye contact with me, sees that I'm gone, and jumps in.

J:/ "Yeah, all we can do is let go of it. Be here, do our best, stay on point, refer them to the epk." She laughed.

C:/ "We encountered that, and as we've said, it was a struggle."

J:/ "Gotta let go, and it's letting go as a motif that occurs over and over, for all of us. So many aspects of living in now, and just being. It's difficult even when we are our most practiced. We saw letting go in the film, that's essentially why the bathtub scene was included, it's a metaphor for starting over. We only start over if we let go."

C:/ "That was only one instance, and yeah can't have one without the other."

J:/ "I saw what letting go is- , when my parents didn't live together anymore, my Mom let go. And, I wanted to do this, she encouraged me to go after what I wanted, she let go of me-, Sure, she was involved but she trusted that the best would be available to me that I would manage, figure it out, etc. She didn't try to control it. I learned to let go because of what I saw. We learn from what happens in front of us. We emulate it or we go the opposite direction, consciously."

C:/ "I agree. We learn how to do the opposite of what we see around us, to try to create something different. We still have to manage what we can't overcome, which for me, letting go is more about that than any other scenario I can think of, at least on the fly. My indulgences, _using_ to try to control my feelings- , things I had lived through had a presence in my mind and heart, I needed to feel them to let them go. I had to believe I could, even when it didn't seem like it was possible, I found a way, five minutes at a time, some days. I believed- , when I could see the other accomplishments of my earlier life. Pursuing opportunities, having the right people manifest to make the success we had, happen. Trying my hand at music, the band, writing lyrics. In retrospect, those risks and successes served me later. Reflecting, remembering- "

C looks at J and continues.

C: / "When she would be trying out riffs or a line, a chorus against a set of chords, our collaboration and what it was grounded in, the dynamics of who were we together, creatively and personally- "

PAUSE

C:/ "When I got clear enough that I could recall those parts of my life that I had risked, created in the moment, letting go of self consciousness or fear and tried, I realized I had a perspective, something to say to contribute and when ever I'd be in it with her, we'd play off each other, and when we'd hit it, she'd give me 'that smile' - All that came back to me and stayed with me when I needed it the most, when I needed to convince myself that I could let go and be free of everything that had weighed me down. Whether it was in the booth or live, material is material, but knowing that we wrote some of the stuff that was well received, that's special to me. Those successes or maybe just the risk, served me later.

J:/ "And, letting go of how the story translated to the screen- "

C:/ "Looking at it abstractly instead of literally- "

J:/ "Well, sometimes it takes someone who knows us to help us see what we can't see, especially to look objectively at someone else's interpretive take, which is what a script is- "

C:/ "Yeah, that's closer than I could've gotten, putting it to words, how'd you do that?"

J:/ "It's a couple things. I understand metaphor as a device. We don't write literally, at least not all the time. I could see the liberties taken in the adaptation. It wasn't meant to be exact, literal. That would be a documentary. And, I know you, where your buttons are, how you think, how to bring you around to see something- , I've been convincing you to do things since you were fifteen. Would've had to have learned that or I couldn't be successful in this, with you, you think? Also, it's much more your story than it is mine, just in terms of percentages, so I'm not less invested, but it's just less personal for me, this was deeply personal, the event's of your life."

C:/ "I couldn't see at first, then I thought, how do I let go, take a step back, and when we talked about it, I realized my first reaction had some emotions that overtook me to revisit that time period and the events. It was loaded, and when I made peace with that- " she looked at J, half smile, half smirk, not wanting to give too much away.

J smiled, the warmth of that memory obviously revisiting her in the moment, "Yeah, you came around- "

"I feel like I accidently walked into a closed room without knocking" I said to D, as J looked at Me, laughed and shook her head. She is still getting used to the idea that I can read her, I have a look-in that someone who would have a history of being close to her over time, would have. I smiled.

J:/ "Art, interpretation, metaphor, it's always a mixed bag. Expression, creating, it's part of who we both are, whether we collaborate or not. Visiting the past isn't easy, but it can make us more whole."

C:/ "The last roadblock for me- , I had to take apart the last barricade, have a conversation- , find a way to explain one thing in particular that directly involved Us- "

J:/ "I couldn't imagine that while we were spending all that time together, I didn't know those- , circumstances, what she lived through- , not until she told me."

C:/ "Yeah, but that's common for people who are in that- , to not share it- , to feel normal, we don't let it into the reality of our day to day- "

J:/ "It hurt me to think that she endured those experiences, that this happened to someone I care about. The redemption for me is, I know that our history was meaningful for her, she in her own way has been much the same for me. I gave, brought, took, on many levels over a long period of time, I couldn't undo what happened, but it's like a bad dream. I can't prevent it, but if I'm there, I can comfort her when she wakes up. And, she summed it up in the most meaningful way I could ever hope for- "

C:/ "Who she was, how she treated me and her consistent presence day to day, healed me. It didn't matter that she didn't know at the time. Everything she was without the knowing, was exactly what I needed. It's kinda great cosmic whatever that- "

J:/ "I was just being me- , when I got over not being included and how that feels to find out later- "

C:/ "What we had, was exactly what I needed- "

D:/ "Oh God, I'm going to cry-"

I pulled D closer and she turned in toward me.

"Geez J, dial it back- " I laughed.

J looked at me, knowing I'm giving her shit.

D turned back out.

D:/ "She already alluded to that when we were in backstory gathering mode, but hearing it now- like this- , is intense."

J:/ "It's a balance I'm grateful for, a balance to all that difficulty."

D:/ Well, speaking of what someone doesn't know unless we tell them- "

I look over at D quizzically. I'm not quite sure where this was going.

"What's up Fanning?"

D:/ "Well, Stewart, when we all four sat together, the last city, after the _after party- _"

"Yyeeaahh?" I give her a look.

D:/ "On the patio, the ethereal recollect- "

"Yeah?"

D:/ "After we left your suite" D motions toward J and C, "and went to ours, respectively- , I don't know if it was the power of suggestion or what but, while you were getting out of the regalia the person who dressed you put you in-"

"Yeah?"

D:/ "I think I had that same- "

"Seriously?"

D:/ "Seriously!"

"Whoa, why didn't you tell me? Wait? That's what that was? You yammered on, and pulled away from me- "

D:/ "Yeah, well. People talk about stuff when they're ready, and- "

J:/ "Uh, not the same setting, though?- "

She looked worried as she caught my eye across the suite's coffee table.

"No, not the same setting as yours, collectively. Relax." I laughed.

C laughed seeing the look on J's face.

C:/ "Well, spill, I want to hear this- "

"Yeah, Fanning, spill- "

_D:/ "Well, when we got to your suite, she walked into her bedroom, I sit down on the couch, _

_I could hear her throw her shoes on the floor, a drawer open, the rustle of fabric._

_She walked into the main room wearing the dress with a pair of cropped sweat pants slung over her shoulder._

_She stopped at the arm of the couch._

_Started to tell me something I think it's a continuation of our conversation from the corridor._

_I'm looking into her eyes, but I'm caught up in the image, the visual of- _

_She's turned around, she can't reach the zipper of her dress. Someone dressed her and she can't reach the zipper herself to get out of it. She turned her back to Me, moved her hair to one side, even though at this length it's not in the way._

_And, that's when I see it, -in slow motion - ,_

_She's sweeping her hair up in her hand and this obviously is a gesture she does out of habit, and pulling it to one side, silently asking for my help._

_In a split second, I've just been transported to a parallel universe where the world as I know it is no longer spinning on it's axis. I rise on my knees on the couch and reached for the zipper, freeing her from the constrictive fabric._

_It was the motion of her moving her hair together with when she turns around, still talking by the way, her manner, her hand to her chest to hold the dress up, because unzipped, the dress is drooping under the weight of the fabric, she turns her head toward me and says something over her shoulder, turns back and walks to the bedroom._

_A graceful motion, in her skin, in that arrangement of lithe, smooth limbs and it's the way she moved, it reeks of this effortless quality that stops me in my tracks. The room has receded, like a tunnel, everything is in slow motion._

_I'm tripping, stunned at her, at the 3-D manifestation of fluid grace._

_The room is quiet but the sound inside my head feels loud or the silence in my head is loud, I can't be sure, it's the sound of nothing at all, maybe its an awareness of pure silence._

_She's returns to the end of the couch, still talking, I'm not sure what I'm supposed to take from what she's saying._

_She leaned over slightly, pulling the cropped pants on, walked back into the other room to retrieve a t shirt, returned wearing the t shirt and letting the dress slip to the floor beneath the shirt but over the crop pants as if she's done this slight of hand trick a thousand times before. The dress pools around her feet before she stepped out of it._

_The entire exchange is forty seconds of real time, at most, beginning to end._

_I witness these movements in the periphery of my vision because I can't move my eyes from her eyes, I'm looking into her eyes while she's talking, it's only a few seconds, start to finish but it feels like all time has stopped - as if Saturn himself has reached down and ceased the indefinite continued progress of existence in his grasp, casting a spell."_

I look at K, "I threw that in just for you, Brainiac" and laughed.

D starts again after getting an eye roll from Me.

_D:/ "Midway through whatever she's trying to tell me, she leaned over slightly, she has the dress clasped in one hand and concludes-_

_K:/ Hey, so do you think that's cool or am I- , _

_As she waited for me to say something, I am mesmerized by this unique effortless, this easy soft nature that permeates her whole personae, the sleek motion, it washes over me and almost passes through me as if it were a wave of melodic, celestial sound. I'm transfixed, I'm hypnotized._

_"I was wondering because I didn't get to - "_

_She continues talking._

_I'm listening but her voice is muffled, I get that I'm supposed to be comprehending and answering her, but I can't decipher individual words. It just sounds like wah wah, -wah wah wah-_

_She paused, but I couldn't get any language together, I couldn't formulate a sentence. _

_In my head, I'm able to rationalize- _

_This is K, yeah she's a girl, but I haven't consciously thought about it. She just is and always has been K, and- , when she's next to me, when she's right here, I know this, in a detached way, I touch her because she's her, not because- , she's this or she's that or she isn't, she's just K._

_Yeah, and obviously, over the time we've spent together, I've had 'some' access, it shouldn't seem like a surprise. I'm tripping that it feels like- , like a revelation._

_I know what she feels like, and I have a pretty good idea what her body looks like, I try not to think about it too much. I laughed. _

_Mostly, SHE'S JUST K, she's just her- ,_

_But, it's so apparent in this moment right now, this very second. It hit's me like a freight train and I'm breathless, I can't move, or think._

_It's an astounding reveal and it lays me out._

_I think my mouth was hanging open, and I pride myself on my composure, that's not a secret, this is not like me at all._

_I'm trying to get grounded, I can't feel the couch underneath me or my feet on the floor, I'm lost in the space of the physical world, in that room right then for a brief series of moments._

_Suddenly, it's so real, like I somehow never saw it before, but now it's all I can see. Nothing else exists. How did I get to here and NOT KNOW THIS!_

_"Then something is lifting, there's clarity to her words almost like they are being tuned in, like a frequency, I can hear them now._

_K:/ "D, hello?" She's looking at me._

_D:/ "I uh, sorry- what?"_

_K:/ "Are you in there? I said what do you think if -"_

_D:/ "Hon, I can't" I shake my head. "You're gonna have to start over- "_

"_I'm trying to jolt myself back to the present, but I'm also buzzing with a sensation, it's euphoric, I'm captivated. What is normally a manageable feeling of desire has just been ratcheted up, it's rocket fuel, and I'm flooded with impulse, want. I had started to come out of it, but now the 'want' has a hold of me. I figure the best thing to do is not to panic. A couple seconds go by and now, I'm giddy, if I wasn't sitting I'd probably fall over._

_The sensation is loosening it's grip on me, I'm starting to come back into the moment, into the room._

_She's got a quizzical look on her face._

_K:/ "Are you all right?"_

_"You're- , you're a woman - " it spills from my mouth._

_K:/ "What?"_

_"You're a woman, I mean, a girl, well, really, No. Woman. You're. A. Woman. You're a woman"_

_K:/ "Yeah?"_

_"I uh, I mean, look at you, you're lithe, that body, smooth and curved, the essence of all things _(Pause) _woman- " I stumble with my words, and shake my head again._

_D:/ "You're a woman."_

_K:/ "D, are you all right? Are you having some kind of 'moment'?"_

_D:/ "I guess so."_

_K:/ "I don't know what to say, she laughs, "I'm who I've always been."_

_D:/ "Yeah, I know, but look at you, this is absolutely stunning."_

_I can move now and obviously my speech has returned but I'm still slightly overwhelmed._

_"Well, it's not you, obviously, it's Me, this is definitely-" but, wow, I'm in trouble, and I, I want- "_

_She walks around and motions for me to stand up. I do and she puts her arms around me. The feeling of her against me while I'm just emerging from this hyper aware state, want and desire mixed in what feels like an absolute volatile amount, just seconds after my senses have returned, feels really good and beyond what I normally can manage._

_D:/ Maybe, this isn't such a good idea, right this second, I uh- "_

_I move out from her embrace, and sit back down._

_K:/ "Yeah, ok? But, this isn't like you, you don't- , and, I definitely talk more than you do, but I didn't think I'd see you rendered speechless." _

_Despite how unlike me this is, she has this huge smile. _

_And, she's laughing._

C:/ "That happened to Me, it was like you said, mesmerizing, surreal, like seeing this majestic creature that I'd seen a thousand times before, but in the moment it's completely awe inspiring, raw, and revealed, -How did I not see this before?"

J:/ "Oh, yeah totally, and it only lasts less than a minute, but it feels like time freezes. I'll never forget it. And, the euphoria, is crazy, but it's all so fleeting."

"I wish I would've caught on sooner to what was happening. I've been in that, and it's a roller coaster of emotion- , But, she'd never pulled away from me before, and that was the strangest part. Now, I know why, and the energy was even more magnified, just then."

D:/ "Yeah, as if we need to turn it up for any reason" she laughed.

"Yeah, no kidding." I laughed

"Hey, is that part of how- "

D:/ "What?"

"When I woke up the next morning, I was- , you had been awake, changing up our- , and, interrogating me, is that why you were awake- "

D:/ "Well, that wasn't my best night of sleep, I found myself thinking about that 'event' yeah I guess, after a long day, and it may've been part of the reason I was awake- "

C:/ "Whatcha alluding too- "

"That's your cue, I'm not volunteering that one- "

J:/ "Hon, let them be a vague as they are comfortable with- "

C:/ "It's not like it's gonna shock us."

J:/ "It's kinda not my point." She said gently, and winked at Me.

D:/ "Ok, well, this is hilarious and awkward, but I did wake up and I was thinking about the revelation, I don't even know what to call it- because although I'm aware of the phenomenon I had not experienced it. But, I had a pretty good idea I was on the right track. And, my mind was wandering, I was just playing around, wide awake and seeing what she'd do- "

C:/ "Ok, I'm officially confused now- "

"She was talking to me while I was asleep- "

D:/ "Seems people will answer back if they're in a deep enough sleep- "

"With amnesia for the event- "

D:/ "One of my favorite phrases, by the way, hysterical. I wonder what ad agency got credit for that little gem?"

"Long story short, she had interrogated me with questions- , and, moved me around- "

"Yeah, a different position than I normally am- "

D:/ "Which sounds dirtier than what it was, actually- "

"Dirty, really?"

D:/ "No, not dirty, you know what I mean, more suggestively than how-"

"No, I like dirty, let's stay with that- " I laughed.

D:/ Geez, that just sounds salacious, and it wasn't it was just a shift. Granted a shift that was a precursor to- "

C:/ Ok, you're both doing that, that shorthand speak people do, that finish each other's sentences, and I get it, but- "

"Yeah, I guess the point in a less cryptic way is that, just after the satori experience there was- "

D:/ "A subtle shift, not so much by other people's standards, but definitely by ours- "

J:/ "So, I've not been imagining it, then, the energy is up?"

C:/ Yeah, I didn't want to overtly- "

"Uh, no, you didn't imagine it."

J:/ "Do we need to have a sidebar, take a walk?"

"Uh, no."

J doesn't look real convinced. She's been taking bets on me, or against me, maybe is more accurate.

Here we go again. Round two.


	6. Going Forward, More Unknown

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

Very distinct possibility there are (still) many issues with consistency of tense. Really appreciate kind remarks or reviews – Thank you!

And: Generic events and locations, does not following the actual promo time line or the regions the junkets took place. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project standpoint.

Still feel strange that these are real people and using their names. But, TR movie was amazing. And I want my fic to be searchable with the other TR stories.

-xXx-

KPOV

I had J locked in my gaze. "You're giving me that look- " I took a deep breath and exhaled audibly as I continued "Before you two got on your flight, we had our sidebar- "

J:/ "Maybe I misunderstood- "

I looked at C, back at J.

"It's over folks- , nothing here to see, move along- "

I laughed at my own cliche beat cop reference. It's a dig, and she gets there's no details to be had. She has to trust me.

I looked at C, then at D.

D's looking at me, but I'm not sure what she's thinking.

"It's part of a conversation she and I have been having- "

D:/ "This just got '_personal_' all of a sudden-" a nervous laugh.

C laughed.

C:/ "It hasn't been personal up to now?"

D:/ "Not _in front_ of me- "

From near the suite's door, the faint sound of D's Blackberry signals.

D:/ "Hey, I'm gonna take a look at that, don't say anything without me that I don't get to refute, Ok!" she laughed, while looking at me, her hand slid across my shoulder as she walked toward the table near the suite's entryway.

C:/ "She's in it, warm and confident, obviously feeling all the benefits of being adult."

J:/ "It radiates from her, not that her whole demeanor isn't mature, but the way she looks at you- "

C:/ "Yeah, the energy got cranked up, no doubt."

"-Uh, yeah" I said a bit self conscious, "She's mature, and also light, some mischievousness. Maybe a little less in a group setting. But she has a side that's not just affectionate, amorous, TORTUROUS, although there's definitely that." I laughed again.

C:/ "What does that mean?" says, laughing.

J:/ "Oh, come on, like you don't know? You know what that it is, you know how to push, test, play, work it, you knew it when you were that age, that power- , to get confirmation- "

I laughed watching them. This was the first instance I'd seen of them being playfully, engaged, almost antagonistic. But, addressing their energy. Except for J's visible, consistent affection that unselfconsciously emanates from her when C is within arms reach. It's innate to who she is in her presence, regardless of what the current level of sharing is between them.

We heard the suite door open and close.

I looked up, but that didn't interrupt the banter.

C:/ "It's how I relate to you, I don't do that with everyone."

J:/ "It's what you described, this one here, to this day still does that. Sometimes, just playing, you know horsing around, gets me to chase her, wrestle, or whatever, I'm a physical person, we both are. It can't all be about being in the gym."

C:/ "You love it, that's such a load of- "

J:/ "She'll pretend like it's about something else- "

C:/ "and the wrestling thing, you can completely take me, overpower me, you're so much stronger than I am, so don't pretend- "

J:/ "Or, my personal favorite, look, look what happens if I do this. The subtle brush against me or reach across, strategically placed this way or that, and watching, gauging for my reaction if I look or if my body reacts- "

C:/ "Well, yeah, are you kidding, why not, why not be in it, she can always say no, or call me out- , Not like I'm taking advantage- " she says as she turns her gaze toward J.

C laughed.

C:/ "You feeling put upon, objectified? If it wasn't there, I can't even imagine it not being there, it just always has been. It's a gift, we both know it. You do that too, you are just more subtle. It also goes both ways."

J:/ "Just like you, Honey."

C:/ "You bet."

J:/ "Touche."

I was laughing watching them, so intent but half playing at the same time.

I looked up when I heard D knock at the suite door.

"Please, don't stop on my account, but I don't want to miss anything good. Be prepared to recap" I laughed as I walked toward the suite door.

She crossed the threshold and pulled me toward the bedroom.

The girls were looking in our direction, but because of the room's layout could only see a portion of the entryway from their vantage point.

"You left?"

D:/ "Yeah, just to my suite for a second. Hey" she pulled me toward her and moved up against me, leaning in for a kiss. "Didn't get to do this before."

Her lips instantly parted, slowly and she purposely breathes lightly while her mouth is against mine. She's doing what I refer to as "fuck me kissing" which I kind of don't expect- , I associate that with a scenario that's more intimate than this. I couldn't even repeat my own name this instant as I'm caught by surprise.

D:/ "Thought we were going to be alone, not that I'm not glad they're here."

"Mmmm, me too. Uh, just happened on the fly I guess- " I didn't finish my sentence because I couldn't get two more words to emerge from my larynx.

When we pulled apart, she said,

D:/ "Hey, I went looking for ibuprofen, thought I had some, do you- "

"Let me see what I have- " I said as I moved toward the bureau, open a drawer and started digging around in various small, black, travel bags.

While zipping and unzipping and digging through stuff, she slid her arms around me and laid her head against against my back.

"I want to go back to bed."

The words and the proximity and the sensual closeness of the last day, the ever wound spring made it's presence known again. Damn, I had hoped I wasn't going to have to think about- or I guess feel the progressive, ugghh.

"Mm, me too, but I don't want to be rude. Here it is" I said as I held up a small branded plastic bottle. "How many?"

D:/ "Two please. But- "

And, she was up against me and kissing me again, when we heard C knock on the open bedroom door, and clear her throat conspicuously.

C:/ "Sorry, we wondered what rabbit hole you two fell down. I was right" she laughed over her shoulder as she turned her head toward the main room. "Kissing, like I thought."

Without pulling out of my arms, D smiled in C's direction "She's giving me some ibuprofen."

C:/ "Does she keep it in her mouth?"

We heard J laugh from the main room.

D held out her palm, showing C the tablets.

She slipped out of my arms walking toward the kitchen.

D:/ "Getting another water- , anyone need a refill" she said color apparent in her face as she grabbed a bottle from the countertop.

No takers.

D knocked the small caplets back with a swig of water from the square bottle and sat down with a bent leg behind me, trying to lean against my back.

We shuffled around while the girls rolled their eyes watching us get situated in this strange configuration. The reason for needing the pills was starting to manifest in her subtle behavior. I may be in for a long next couple days.

"Ok, where were we?"

D:/ "Yeah, what'd I miss?"

"These two here were snipping at each other about teasing, physical slash sexual power struggles, requited teenage hormones and complaining about how difficult it is to still have chemistry together" I said laughing.

J:/ "Yeah, sure but, my point was more about my own experience of being sixteen- "

I jumped in, cutting her off, feeling a bit defensive, and not thrilled about being walked in on.

"Which is in my head, with stories and vivid imagery, recounted to me during a night on a luxury hotel's bathroom floor, in lush, brilliant, bold, _cautionary_ detail, and yeah, the irony, we've been there, let's not- "

(PAUSE)

"Not to mention the image of uh, say oh, I don't know, maybe her father, that's not stuck in my head, because I don't see him when I close my eyes" I laughed.

D:/ "Funny you should say that- "

"What?"

D:/ "My Blackberry, a text from- "

"I'm cursed, cursed, I say" I almost laughed.

D:/ "uh- just kidding, it was my Mom, but your whole demeanor shifted momentarily- "

I took a breath- , I caught J's eye across from me.

C caught the look between us, and being the instigator she is, she piped up.

C:/ "What's that look?" she says to J.

J:/ "I think I know what this is, but maybe we should go to the source, K, you want to comment?" she said looking at me.

"Uh, I can't say I've, I haven't, it's just an untested theory- "

J:/ "And, hope it stays untested?"

I laughed "Well, right this second, yeah, absolutely. I think parents are alike pretty much across the board, but the differences between people and especially gender- , when dealing with turning points for their kids- "

D:/ "You're getting at something specific, Hon, just cut to the chase- "

"It's not a fully formed idea as such, but- , I'd rather, today or tomorrow be face to face or sitting like this, with someone's mom, instead of someone's dad. Not that I have personal opinions about either- , I don't. But strictly- " My heart had started to speed up as I realized what I was getting ready to say. "A dad is going to look at me, read me in a completely different way than a mom would. Or, that's what I think anyway."

J:/ "Yeah, I agree. He's is more likely to read the energy accurately, than a mom would."

"And, it's not liberal vs traditional or anything like that, I'm not making assumptions about values or leanings, it's just specific to how guys are. Men understand physical 'drive' in a more rudimentary way than women do."

J:/ "Its more intrinsic to how they view the world. It is more about power to them, and with women its about more traditional concepts"

D:/ "Short form, what does that mean?"

J:/ "All other things being equal, if someone's dad was in this room right now, instead of us" she indicates her and C "he'd have night goggle vision for every square centimeter of your skin where one of her fingerprints was left behind."

C:/ "Or, more than just fingerprints- "

I shoot C a look of '_you didn't just_- '

C:/ "Well, the energy has accelerated- "

D:/ "Oh Geez" she said as she leaned against my back and turned her face away from them, squeezing it between my back and the couch "this is excruciating."

"We need a less personal direction for this- "

The girls looked at each other and back to me.

"Hey, you gonna stay back there? It's Ok if you do" I shifted to one side and pulled her out from behind me, putting my arm around her, pulling her in, her face went into the side of my neck, and she stayed like that. "Hey, they we're just messing with us."

I looked at J and motioned my hand out, palm lowering down, signaling for them to dial it back. C jumped in.

C:/ "You felt this way around my Dad, then?"

J:/ "It crossed my mind, but I didn't have to deal with it- ,

C:/ "Not every instance of- "

J:/ "Yeah, I thought of that just as I was putting the sentence together, how do I say this. I would've except, he wasn't really aware the way he would've been if- "

C: "You're saying his drinking kept him from seeing the energy that was between us."

D:/ "Still is, it hasn't gone away, just saying" D said as she poked her head out and laughed, then she went back to being half hidden.

C:/ "In recollect, I'd say yes, but it's something bigger, that transcends a typical set of conditioned ideas."

J:/ "What does that mean?"

J looks over at me to see if I'm picking up where she's going with this.

C:/ "I think I know what- , it's an unspoken idea that a father- "

I swing my arm out from behind D and do the 'T' hand signal for time out.

"Let's table that, how about- "

C senses what I'm getting at and shifts gears. Thankfully, she doesn't have to learn twice in the same discussion. I'm silently grateful.

I move my arm back to where it was, and D settles in again.

C:/ "What about your Mom? C'mon J, I don't think we've ever even- "

J:/ "It's complex, but simple I guess- "

"I'd venture to assume, it's unspoken between you two right? Who would've guessed." I laughed.

J:/ "She's always asked about you, in this knowing way, and she was aware when I was heartbroken, but I didn't volunteer- "

C:/ "She's always been so kind to me, she didn't want to kill me for breaking her baby's heart?"

J:/ "Killing is a little strong, she knew or had an idea, I'm sure it was written all over me, the highs and the lows of teenage infatuation."

C:/ "How it started out- "

J:/ "Yeah, obviously, it was impossible to predict that the bond would have legs, over time, what it is grounded in, she's asks about you to this day- , she knows I see you, talk to you, that we're part of each other's lives. She knows we're here now doing this."

C:/ "Yeah, it's just a given I guess, I haven't thought about it until this conversation."

J:/ "You can find out- " she says cryptically, a raised eyebrow at C.

C:/ "How do you mean?"

J:/ "Next stop, I'm home, a car service ride away from my residence, where I am when I'm not on the road, which is actually my real home, if we break down the percentages- "

C: / "You're in hotels much more than you're at home."

J:/ "If I'm lucky, that means I've got projected, profitable bookings that make it lucrative to- "

C:/ "So you're thinking about skipping the hotel thing?"

J:/ "Yeah, why incur an expense the marketing budget doesn't need- , we threw down to get this one" she looks toward me, smiling "should try to offset that not so little expense in some way, right?" She said laughing.

"Wow, hey, it's our people that negotiate that stuff, I don't have any- , and I'm not real thrilled that my salary gets made public- , this is excruciating, now I want to hide my face." I say laughing. I start mimicking that I want to shift around and hide behind D's shoulder.

J:/ "Just messing with you, ride the wave, you deserve it, we couldn't be more pleased- , all the way around."

"Except for the lack of trust- "

J:/ "We're just cautious, that's all- "

C:/ "You were saying, home- "

J:/ "Yeah, see the pets, sleep in my own bed. All the comfort of home, mine anyway. Mom'll be dropping in, she's gonna want to see me. Hear about how it's all been, you being there, it'll trip her out."

C:/ "I'll think about it, how's that?"

"Which means you won't have a suite in the hotel breathing down our necks, Y E S !" I exclaimed, raising both arms in victory, teasing her.

The protective, parent side of both of them shot me a look.

D:/ "I'd kind of expect this from her" as she looks to C "because you're a parent- , but, you?" She says looking at J. This time she stays in the discussion.

C:/ "Are you kidding, she has all the intuitive skills of a parent, Thank God- "

J:/ "I wouldn't go that far- most of that is just- , because he's your's."

C:/ "It's more than that, you know how to care give, it's innate."

J:/ "Yeah, sure, when we were talking before about how we learn from what's in front of us, we emulate that or we go the opposite direction. My mom is nurturing, so I learned because of how I was treated."

C:/ "But, you understand kids, or get it, something- "

J:/ "But it's different because he's part of you."

C:/ "And, you have nieces and nephews."

J:/ "Which are part of me, it's easier to care and be invested."

"Maybe not so much with the objectivity though, when you're invested- " I said, digging at her. She gets that I'm still on the trust issue.

C:/ "Well, she's right, bottom line is you gotta let go, and trust her, trust them."

J:/ "You're starting on my now?"

C:/ "Like she said, I'm a parent, I had to let go or my kid was gonna grow up messed up, it's tough, it's a given that it's not easy. Obviously, her parents know this."

C motions toward D "she's here without either one of them, just a PR handler whose all business, and the studio people and Us. She's fine, this is that other conversation we were having- "

C:/ "We learn to manage what we can't overcome, we let go, it's basic rehab 101- "

"You trusted both of us to show up, learn, be creative and authentic, use our skills to tell your story, bring our best, trust and faith is trust and faith, isn't it?"

J:/ "I'm thinking about the tidal wave of- "

"We know." Both D and I said in unison.

-xXx-

LATER

J:/ "She's talking or texting home, so I'll walk with you- ,

We arrive in front of the suite door. I hold out my hand and D hands me the key card. Insert, light, click and we're inside. I hand her back the card.

"Give me a second" indicating to J that I want a minute alone with D in the bedroom. "I want to just let her know that we're gonna have a some time together- "

J:/ "Sure"

In her suite's bedroom, D had already started to take off her jewelry, she was sitting on the edge of the bed, I reached for her boots as she leaned back and I pulled them off one at a time.

"D, you winding down?" I say after I got the second boot off and set them on the floor next to the bureau.

D:/ "Yeah, my energy just dropped out from under me a while ago."

I was gonna motion for her to stand up, but instead I sat down next to her on the edge of the bed.

"So, we're just gonna have a quick chat and I'll be back in a few minutes, Ok?"

D:/ "Yeah, I gotta take off my face, brush my teeth, etc., before I crawl in, but sure."

She leaned over and kissed me, lightly, lips parted, slow, purposeful, starting the 'fuck me' kissing of earlier.

I slipped my arm around her to close up some of the space between us. Without thinking, my hand gravitated up her side.

Subliminally, I must be aware of what's in the back of my head, and just then she drew in her breath and made the most alluring, bordering on a moan sound. I wanted to push her down and crawl on top of her, blindsided for a brief second, in the moment, the sheer force of desire has me in it's grip. I consider that, but decide against it. Instead, I hated to, but I pulled away. She looked so sultry, without trying to be, it was beyond her awareness.

"D, you want anything?"

D:/ "That's sweet- , No, just you."

"Mm, me too." I smiled. "Hey, can I take your key card?"

D:/ "Yeah, it's on the dresser."

"I'll see you in a few minutes."

I leaned down and kissed her again, because I can.

D:/ "Ok" she said as she winked at me.

I pull the door closed and wait for the light to signal that it's locked.

We walk next door to my suite, and I head for the balcony.

"I wanna smoke, you mind?"

J:/ "No, not at all, -love the smell of cigarettes. Most ex smokers hate it, but I'm different, I guess."

"You guess?" I tease her just to get my mind off of D next door in bed, waiting for me.

J:/ "Looks like that lowly little cigarette has a big job of calming you down, Huh?"

"What's that mean?"

J:/ "The energy is pouring outta you, that's all. The ibuprofen, for the obvious reason?"

"Oh, God Yes." I said, throwing my head back, exasperated, took a huge inhale on the cigarette, held it in for a few seconds, before expelling it.

She laughed, shaking her head and the most _'I told you so bordering on the sinister'_ smirk I could imagine plastered on her face.

J:/ "You're gonna have to fight her off, you know that right? "

"You kidding me, it started already."

J:/ "When did you figure it out?"

"When she was digging around for something for the symptoms, then I felt panic together with the most amazing rush of pure, unadulterated lust- " I couldn't finish the sentence.

J:/ "Welcome to nature, -a front row seat into what keeps the species going forward."

"I know, I'm a bit unsure how to- "

J:/ "What's the plan? You prepared?"

"I haven't been _exactly_ here before, I've been on the other side."

J:/ "So you got half of it, that's better than being completely blindsided. Oh, she's gonna be a handful- , uh you're gonna have your self discipline cut out for you, my abstaining friend. I wouldn't want to be you for the next, what, two, three days?"

"You mean nights, right?"

J:/ "You kidding, day, night, no difference. It's all gonna be HELL in 3-D. Let me text the front desk and see if I can get room service to bring up a fire extinguisher."

She faked reaching for her Blackberry.

"Funny. Sure, laugh- , C'mon, like this isn't the other side of everything that makes- " I took a deep inhale on the lowly cigarette and exhaled, "I know, sixteen year old hormones, squared. On top of it, I have to make sure my smart ass mouth doesn't get anywhere near that line, where I might accidentally, joking, hurt her feelings. If I encountered this during the short shooting schedule I was unaware of it."

J:/ "Yeah, the 'proximity' wasn't so- "

"Close."

J:/ "Intimate, is more accurate, don't you think?"

"Yeah, we were going home at the end of each shooting day, and she had school, too, so she wasn't on set as much."

J:/ "That's one part of the answer, the other is you two weren't _sleeping together_, not physical, right?"

She's covertly testing me to see if my answer matches what I've been saying all along.

"No, no, it was just hanging in the air between us. Nothing, just- "

It seemed like a lifetime ago, we were laughing and chatting in my trailer, sometimes awkwardly, I at least felt awkward sometimes. I'd look across set, see her in costume listening or saying something, rehearsing or we'd be having lunch with everyone when we were on union mandated break. Now, we were halfway through the junket, and next door, she's waiting for me to come to bed. She's probably asleep, as tired as she looked.

"Well, I understand what she's feeling and I'm caught. I want to comfort her and make sure she's feels her best, but in case I haven't been challenged up to now, it's been accelerated."

"It'll help if you don't give me so much grief, Ok."

J:/ "Of course, let me go back to the suite, laugh it up with C, then it'll be out of my system. That said, it was a good day, and we start over again tomorrow, we got the whole deal, I haven't checked the itinerary yet, but I should run along, before I think of the next great thing to throw at you for torture sake- "

"I think you could use some new material, this bit's getting a little worn" I say, laughing, but also serious, too.

J:/ "Oh, it occurs to me, you can spin this, she'll never have felt more wanted in her life. Make it about you and how having to maintain just got ratcheted up, which it did. If she isn't already aware of the up slash down side, the sensual aspect, when 'want' goes through the roof, she will be when you subtly let her know that this just intensifies a boundless desire you have for her that already exceeds any imaginable intensity you could've ever fathomed up until now. She's off the hook smart, and an _in her body_ kind of person, which is why her performance was so riveting. She blew us away, with how she inhabited her body the physicality, this won't be lost on her."

"Wow, that's all you, that beautiful language?"

J:/ "I know desire, and I've written some lyrics, after all."

"Yeah, you're right about the in her body aspect, it mesmerized me, I was also struck- , for a primal reason. But I know what you mean. She has that body connection as herself. And can bring it for a character. I don't have it as much as me, not to the same degree, but I can 'adopt' it to become someone else. For me, it manifests more as coordination, which is why with sports, I've got some skills, you too, I guess right?"

J:/ "Yeah, but I think you're avoiding going in there."

"No, I just wanted us to have some time- "

J:/ And, we didn't finish talking about, uh, concerns about her dad?"

"Pfffftttt, how can I not, my parents are cool, and I'd be like this with anyone who- "

J:/ "Wasn't a guy?"

"Yeah, I'll get looked at like- "

J:/ "The guy"

"Even though it's completely absurd- It's been in the back of my mind since you dragged me down to the gardens and insinuated that I-"

J:/ "Half accurately, I might add- "

"Please, it only got up to half in the last twenty four hours- , you did a reach my friend, based on your own wild, misspent youth." I laughed.

J:/ "I do trust you- "

"Someone has to let go- "

J:/ "Hey all kidding aside, C and I we're happy to be here with you both, history repeats itself in the best ways, I've always known that. Call or text if you get overwhelmed, I'm just one floor away." She leaned in and hugged me.

"We'll talk in the morning, we got the whole deal, top to bottom all over again."

I walked out with her and slipped in next door.

-xXx-

I was leaned down, whispering in her ear.

"D, you awake?"

She stirred slightly, rolled over,

She had one of the large pillows in front her, hugging it.

D:/ "You getting in?" She smiled at me.

"I gotta clean up first, then I'll be in."

She looked vulnerable, half asleep, eyes heavy lidded, pulled the blankets back on my side.

D:/ "Hurry up, Ok."

A few minutes later, slumber prep complete, I get in, moving over I pull her into my arms, she stirs briefly and opens her eyes.

D:/ "Mmmm- "

"I woke you?, you gonna be able to go back to sleep?"

D:/ "Uh huh"

She crawls up and lays atop me, as she's done before. Her head turned sideways on my chest. I don't resist.

D:/ "Just 'til I fall asleep, Ok?"

"Sure."

It's quiet for a minute.

This is it, this is the best part of all of it. What I was saying to J, what I hadn't had before, it didn't feel like this.

It's quiet for a few more minutes but she's awake still, she hasn't gone 'dead weight' yet.

Just then, she broke the silence.

D:/ "I didn't realize how much grief they give you, I kinda knew but not really, I guess"

"It's part of a bigger- , they're in a place where they are reliving this whole range of experiences- "

D:/ "Well, they hammered have their agendas, no doubt"

"Did it seem that way to you, hit over the head?"

D:/ "Granted, I guess they have to prepare to let go. I may not be the best candidate right now to watch someone else- "

"They're out of their element, been back in their past, their youth, it's struggle, faith, success, excess, love, art , all of it- "

D:/ "It can't be easy to revisit that. I'm sure that was part of what we've seen over the visits, as subtext- "

"And, it's mirrored in us- , yeah I can cut them some slack- "

D:/ "Probably part of why they're having such a hard time being in a place of trust- ,

"Yeah, their history is right in the front of their minds, being reminded of their acting on their impulses- "

"Sure, I thought of that- , it was subliminal, not mentioned per se, not that she didn't try."

D:/ "And, they go back to their lives on two coasts- "

"With different priorities- "

D:/ "They're not talking about it in front of us- "

"Well, I imagine there's some similarities in conversation, what we talk about, what they talk about, behind closed doors vs. in the presence of others- "

D:/ "Yeah, that's crossed my mind- "

The last sentences hang in the air. We don't say anything else. I'm aware of the bigger implication. We've both talked and not talked about it.

I rub her back, a bit of coaxing pressure and she turns and looks up at me. I lean up slightly so I can kiss her.

Both a good idea, and a less than practical one at the same time. When I stop and lay back, she doesn't protest. After all the unwarranted haggling we both lived through earlier in the evening, I'm not surprised she relents. And, all that defending is exhausting.

-xXx-

DPOV

It's light in the room and still quiet

Mmmm, she must be asleep

The back of her is in front of me, but I like the closeness of front to front when I can have it

I sit up on my elbow and whisper in her ear

"K, turn over" I say as she rolls over and is facing me

She stirs slightly but doesn't open her eyes

I pull her into my arms and I feel her face in the side of my neck

The front of her up against me, -mmmm, so much more 'personal'

Last night, watching the girls really give her so much grief

She's everything anyone could ask her to be

without having to ask it's just who she is

there was way too much personal focus in that, and I'm not so sure how comfortable I am with assumptions being made-

Yeah, I feel what I feel and I can't and won't deny that, but it doesn't warrant it being examined and dissected by anyone else,

just because they've made certain choices-

I'm essentially who I've always been, everything that I do that involves her is because it's her, I can't imagine not feeling it

It's kinda just been there, progressively since I don't even remember exactly

It was just warm and easy and we made each other laugh, and there was a 'click'

Not to mention that integrity just lives quietly under the personae of who she is

It's like how it is when she touches me, it's for her, but it's for Me

And, the trust is like that, and everything about her and how she is

Yeah, given enough time and circumstances, I'm sure I'd see something that'd make me question, some human trait in a split second of reaction, that would catch me completely by surprise but we all do that and see that at some point, it's usually not a deal breaker, on balance of everything else about how perfect and fallible we all are

maybe the girls and their hounding, maybe it's distraction, because they don't want to think about the shift that's pending for them.

I get that this is a unique scenario, that two people essentially got to choose their doppelgangers, each respectively, and add the chemistry that happens to be there, serendipitously

it's crazy artistic magic, that these elements happened together like this

I get the concern, I see both sides, but I can't help that we- ,

it just rises up in me and I want, she does too, I can see it in her eyes, and in how her hands move over my skin, a light touch but seeking, and the awareness, she's aware, listening and watching to how I respond, react, when her hands are on me

And, of course, she touches me for herself, it feels good when the nerve endings that are so sensitive at the tips of our fingers, receptors, firing, But, she's touching Me for Me,

that's always what I sense, a balance, second nature to who she is

Maybe I could talk to C, get J to lighten the hell up-

-xXx-

LATER

KPOV

We had finished breakfast, and were sitting on top of the blankets, leaned against the headboard.

We have some time, the first event isn't until late afternoon, so we can relax.

"How you feel, you rested?"

She gives me a sideways look, a hint of a shy smile.

"Yeah, I could probably sleep a little- " She slips under the sheet and blankets and I follow suit.

"Come here" I pull her over, move a pillow, she slides into me and drapes a leg and arm across me.

"I think I need you to kiss me"

D:/ "Yeah, what do I get, if I do?"

I lean down, and we kiss, and it begins again.

We do this for what is probably a half hour, and I am at my limit- I can't, can not take anymore, or I'm gonna lose the grudge match with J, and she can't be right, I won't let her win. It's on now, I'm locked in- , as long as D relents and let's me go-

Just then my Blackberry rings.

D:/ "No, let it go to voice mail, whoever it is, you can call them back."

I scramble for the bedside table, and catch the edge of the device in the tips of my fingers.

She's reaching over me, going for the Blackberry, and I'm distinctly aware of her playful form, thrashing about on top of me, I'm holding the Blackberry over my head, protesting.

"Hey, this might be the call I've been waiting for- hold on, Ok?"

She gives in, knows she's not going to win this one.

I wouldn't push, but I have to stand up when it matters, pick my battles.

I see in the display who it is.

"Honey, it'll be short, I promise, I've been waiting for this- stay here, you can lay back down- Ok?"

She has that sparkle in her eye which makes me gauge how close I am to being able to extricate myself from the bed and this charged intimate scenario if she brings out the 'weapons'.

I pick up-

"Hi Dad, yeah this is good, this is a good time"

D starts in, first her foot slinks around under the blankets searching for my leg.

I shoot her a look and she sticks her tongue out at me.

-:/"I've been thinking about what your text said, it's essence, and it's rough, first draft if you will"

"Ok, sure, you didn't run it by Mom?"

-:/ No, she knows that we're talking, and she senses this is another of those topics that she'll get brought in on later- , that's for you to share, not for me- , she has this with one or two of your brothers, about certain things, I let her have those, we divide it based on what you each need and how each of you just naturally gravitate, don't worry about it - "

"Ok, so- "

-:/ "To start, go backwards a bit before you got to here, did you know where it would end up when you began?"

_Her foot on my leg didn't get the response she wanted so she's pulling back the blanket and starting to reach for the edge of the shirt I've been sleeping in, I give a 'don't even think about it' look_

"Uh, we couldn't know"

-:/ "And, how's it been, in the not knowing?"

_There goes the tips of her fingers up my arm_

"Better than I expected, until we got to here"

:/ "How do you feel about going forward, more unknown?"

_and fingers across my torso, I look at her, she stares me down, no expression_

"How do you mean, Dad?"

_I get her by the wrist after switching the Blackberry to the other hand_

-:/ "Just want to throw something out there for you to think about"

-:/ "You both chose to have what there is to have, and be Ok without a structure, just be in it- "

-:/ "Uh, Honey"

_She moves her head, bringing her lips to my fingers wrapped around her wrist, I let go and she instantly is alight with victory in her eyes_

"Yeah Dad"

-:/ "Forgive how not warm it sounds, I'm not meaning to infer that how you two are isn't warm, I wanting to get you to see something in broad strokes, so don't take it-"

"Don't worry about it, we're being abstract, I get it's abstract- "

_She lays down on her side, her head propped up on her palm, deciding instead to just torture me with the light touch of her fingertip along my arm that's closest to her_

-:/ "Each day a little at a time - , showing up and being in it, right?"

"Yeah- "

-:/ "How's that been?"

"Overall, on balance, good, it has it's challenges but I wouldn't undo it or change it- "

_She's hearing my side of the conversation, knows, I'm talking about her, Us and she's smiling, radiating. I think it's brought her playful teasing to a halt and she's caught in the moment, staring at me_. Her demeanor shifts to a slight glazed over look when we make eye contact, then she looks away. _She lifts my arm and lays down 2/3 into me, turning her face in the opposite direction, but holding firmly onto me. And, I feel her body loosen up._

-:/ "Good, that's what the essence of - , what I'm getting at, it's that _relaxed willing_ to be- "

"Yeah, it's the next thing you're going to say, though- "

-:/ "Don't assume that by making some kind of hard, fast choice you can control an outcome or- "

"Dad, hold on for a second, can you?"

-:/ "Sure"

I pull the phone away from my ear and motion for D to turn over. She does. I lean down, closing my eyes and kiss her. She meets and returns my affection, tongue, lips and warm breath. After a 3rd kiss, I break away and she settles back in.

"Ok, I'm back, go ahead- "

-:/ "Where was I, oh, don't assume either that what you see is all there is- "

-:/ "Be willing to be led, keep showing up, it may mean it stays somewhat like it is- "

"I guess I felt like being aware of the circumstances, that if I was cognizant- "

-:/ "That's intellectual, and it has it's place- ,

-:/ "but don't let that overshadow the 'non-mind' part- I don't know what other words to use just now- "

-:/ "Practically, day to day, you've been easy going, showing up and having what there is to have, just think about what that'd be like, even though some of the circumstances will change, shared work, at least is here now and will be in front of you both again, it's on the calendar."

"I'll think about it, or I'll think about feeling it the same way I feel it now, while I'm in it and not really having my will denied- "

-:/ "That'll be the challenge, when it changes, adjusting to what'll be different but keeping the same relaxed, willingness- "

"That makes sense, and I know all this, but it helps to hear it, from you- "

-:/ "I do read some of your interviews, by the way- "

-:/ "You already know this, it's the same as gathering information and letting- "

"The second nature, the information in my head, becomes my action, through my body, intent - "

-:/ "I hope you can appreciate that I throw your own words back at you, it's applicable here, and if helps you to have the conversation, then- "

Yeah, I get it, it does help to be reminded- "

-:/ "The information is to stay aware of, it doesn't drive it- being in it, in the moments strung together, will drive it

"So we just do what we've been doing- " (Literally, if he knew what that meant the last hour)

:/ "Until it doesn't fit or the next right choice is the most obvious- "

-:/ "It's a starting point, the next 24 hours, 24 hours at a time, and we can continue to have this conversation if you want, you always know that- "

"Ok, so you'll tell Mom I said Hi, and I don't have to call her today since I talked to you, right?"

-: / "Honey, call your mother."

"This wasn't a free pass I guess- "

-:/ "I'm gonna ask her later if she heard from you- "

"Thanks Dad, bye"

She looked up when she heard the call end.

"Thank you, I normally don't do that, we don't do that, we're not like that, always interrupting our time with people by making them wait, I hate that superficial, fear based, egoism, vain self importance- "

D:/ "I wasn't thinking that, what are you covering, not saying?"

I took a deep breath, running my hand up and down her back. She hadn't moved, was just answering me from what normally would be a sleeping position.

"Well, -last night, and now, that you sit through other people talking about you, talking about us. Some of it, I ask for, other of it I'm defending myself, I don't have a choice, I have to show up and get in, I'm being confronted- . I don't like knowing that I"m putting you through that."

D:/ "Well, your Dad is different than - , I was thinking about that this morning while you were asleep. J needs to lighten up- it's not about her, doesn't have anything to do with her, really- "

"I know, and I get what you're saying and as much as I can, how it feels for you. There's a middle, and she's getting there. I could probably throw down the gauntlet, but that's kinda just not how I am. I don't want to be harsh- , and it's work, we're working, if it were just personal, it'd be easier to draw a line- "

D: / That's as much as I'll say about that right now, I'm more interested in Dad, I could only hear your side, but I got an idea of what that is like for you, watching your face while you talk to him, you're 'in' it, there's a bond- "

She had shifted her positioning slightly so we could make eye contact, and was genuinely interested in the details of what we are going back and forth about. The rabbit outta the hat is how to say it, without getting too much into the future, keeping it light, revealing my hand, she may read me anyway, that I'm in the last three weeks of being nineteen, and I'm involved, invested, up to my neck- , and there's the choices she's made for the life that she balances, plates in the air, and they are a lot like mine, fundamentally but circumstantially different in ways that may or not be managed. She lives with rules and parameters her parents set, obviously she negotiates some of it or I'd be jumping through hoops to try and sleep with her while one of her parents would be traveling with us, harshing our alone time. I'm a free agent, not to mention the bigger world, perceptions, etc. She's looking at me while these thoughts are flying through my mind, as I'm figuring out how to put language to what I feel, she's here, sleeping next to me, basically in secret, and some ideas, concepts we say out loud and others live under the surface.

"Where should I start?"

D: / "Whatever is most meaningful to you- , if I want something specific I'll ask- "

"He gets me, intrinsically, I don't have to explain the big stuff, he reads it, my mom reads a lot of it too, and she's amazing, but we're not bonded the same way- , not right now, I suspect that'll happen when I'm older, I hope so. I have to stretch to see or feel connection with her sometimes, and it's always worth it- , but it doesn't happen organically with her. It's like C, different 'connect' than I have with J- , maybe not the best example, especially right now.

D: / "No I get what you're saying, and I may just resolve that situation myself, tell her politely to her face, to back the fuck up, I'm done being nice- "

I looked at her. This may be the flip side of the sensual, amorous, 'want' through the roof, the short fuse that when we are aware of it, we thoughtfully manage- , the reason for the ibuprofen. I sense that she's not done.

D:/ "Obviously, that language is here between you and me, but maybe it's time for me to step in and tell her she had her say. She doesn't need to be in this bed every time we get in it."

"OMG, this, this side of- , I gotta get up for a minute- "

I got up hurriedly and paced, running my hand through my sleep styled hair, I smiled at her when I got about four feet away.

She is looking at me and can feel the energy in the room. She had rolled onto her side when I extricated myself from partially under her, and knows what this is but she's waiting for me to continue.

"I knew this was in there, that you can be this, strong and- , standing up and every cautionary whatever is about four seconds away from going out the window because I want to act on exactly what I'm feeling and be authentic, right now, so I'm going to say that, because taking the opportunity in the moment to say it out loud, is very satisfying and probably the only satisfaction that's a good idea right now- " I winked at her and waited.

D:/ "Well, yeah, you see the real me and the more we're around each other in situations that vary we get to see things we didn't see before. I see the real you, if I didn't I don't know that the bullshit limitations would be worth it. It's a gift. I can't say you're too nice because- , what I will say is I appreciate how much you want to 'negotiate' and that's what I'm seeing you do. I get the good end of that diplomacy, too- , you extend it to me also, and I wouldn't tell you not to be who you are. Mostly, it felt really good to say it and you heard me and in the moment it is very fulfilling- , and I'll take all the fulfilling I can get right now, because as you just said, it's being denied in other ways."

She laughed and ran her hand along the spot in the bed next to her, the place I had just jumped up from.

D:/ "I'm in a different place then I was last night. I felt vulnerable and I could feel you walking that line between placating them and protecting me, you did it both by how you directed the conversation and by how you physically- "

"I wasn't wrangling for points back when I said I want to protect you- , it's part of who I am-"

D:/ "I feel it, I have since- ." She went somewhere in here head, back to some point along our timeline together, during this. I decided to wait for her to come back as I think she was in mid thought. "So, yeah, let's go back to whatever you wanted to continue with about your dad, that's the most interesting of all, the rest is just circumstantial drama."

"Ok, the connect is just there, I don't have to think about it, I don't have to manage it, requires almost no maintenance on my part at all. And, I get who he is, and one day he stopped being my dad and he was just a man, and later he was just a struggling soul like we all are. Those revelations gave me an insight that I didn't have before. He is a parent, and I do feel parented and it's a gift. But, he let go a long time ago and let me make a lot of my own choices, even the ones he may not have understood. And, he lives what he shares, it's not just Parenting 101 drivel, he doesn't suggest it unless he's lived it. I imagine that's what a good shrink would do, or a life coach or someone like that. And, he's not swapping out what he doesn't get in his marriage in a relationship with his only daughter. I never even had to go freudian or shakespearean with it, although, especially the shakespeare, I get how rich that is for storytelling."

D:/ "Babe, I don't want you to lose your train of thought, but you can come back to bed, be comfortable, right?" She smiled.

I hadn't even noticed that I hadn't. "Yeah, I was just caught up, I've not had the opportunity to have someone who mattered, ask and I get to say this." I slid back into bed next to her and she smiled like she wanted to laugh. "You can say it whatever it is."

D: / "You're all lit up, and it's crazy to watch."

"Yeah, well, that's it in a nutshell I guess, and I don't know why I got so lucky, but I did. I don't feel smarter than him, thank god, because that would probably suck. I don't feel smarter than either of my parents, and that's a gift, too. I've heard people say they figured out they were smarter than their shrink or than their 12 step sponsor and it made me wonder, how do they take direction once that realization is made?"

D:/ "Yeah, I don't know, but I'll say this and hopefully you won't think less of me once this gets out, but you're one of the first people that I know for a fact is as smart as I am. And, Floria too, I could see her intelligence. It made me trust her in a way, and that makes me better. My parents, I love them to death, and I am so grateful for my upbringing and what they taught me and that they have a gambling side, that I wanted to do this creatively and they made it happen because they had faith or could see something or whatever, I mean I was a little kid- " But the day I figured out I was smarter than them something changed, and I was just marking time after that. I imagine it's what happens when someone figures out their marriage is over and then it's just about being ready to undo it. Maybe one day it'll look different to me than it does right now. It's occurred to me it's teenage hubris, but I don't feel conceited, I think it's just real honest to god numbers on the page IQ stuff. I would never say that in front of them because I think there'd never be an easy way for it to heard, and I hope that if it's not true I'm aware and present enough that I can see what they still have to teach me and I'm not arrogant and closed minded about it, and I miss that boat, you know."

"Yeah, I do and I'll take the compliment that we share intelligence, I see it too. It's part of the draw, I couldn't be interested in someone who is visually wow and dumber than a bag of hammers." I said and laughed.

D:/ "Yeah, no doubt. Hey, so what do you want to share about the phone call? Anything yet, you ready or is it still a ways off?"

"Something just didn't feel right, between what was happening moment to moment and what I was imagining in my head- , yeah, I've been thinking about the last leg of the junket when three of us that live there are all finally home. And, like everything, it has two sides- , and I'm awake enough that I know some of my hesitation is I am a spoiled child when I think about my will being denied, but I also know myself enough to know when something else is in the mix, even if I can't put my finger on it. I know there's an unnamed element even if I can't identify it yet. So, it's at this point that I send a text to my Dad, and I basically paraphrase that for him. And, then I wait. And, it made me uncomfortable that I'd taken something that is private between us and mentioned it to him- , but I think you kinda already knew that I had sought his advice already, or it seemed to me that you sensed it, or am I smokin' crack and hoping that if I say that you'll go easier on me when you tell me how betrayed you feel?"

D:/ "That's not betrayal, but I appreciate that part of you wanting to protect me extends to our privacy and what is between us- , that kind of care is who you are, but I wouldn't deny you the freedom to seek direction- , seems like ultimately, that could benefit me too, especially if what you learn or hear, how do I say this, it's a bigger picture kind of thing, I think. What did he say, I can't really piece it together, it sounded like it was brief and succinct."

"It was, and he basically said don't get caught up in what happens after the junket wraps. He reminded me that since the last week of filming, we've just been showing up, doing the next thing and being chill- , He threw one of my interviews in my face, a goodnatured way, of course, and I'm grateful for that. He referred to what he called _relaxed willing_, which to his point is not really unlike what we've talked about when we describe the sleight of hand, how we do what we do to get in character and then bring it successively take for take, day after day. He said just show up and do the next right thing, and each 24 hours goes like that." I didn't get into any of the finer points, when he said "in it until the next right choice has to be made" because that implies a conversation I don't want to have until we have to have it. She's smart enough to know, that's part of the equation.

D:/ "Well, that makes sense and something beyond mind at the same time. Good, you seem relaxed, even though it's been kind of a roller coaster the last what day and a half?"

"Yeah, but that's why they call it a ride, right? Hey, I think I uh, need you to kiss me again."

D:/ "Oh really?"

"Yeah."

D:/ "Ok then."

How did I live nineteen years without this?


	7. Time I Haven't Had With You, Yet

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

Generic events and locations, does not follow the actual promo time line or the regions the junkets took place. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project standpoint. I switched some POV back and forth, hope I caught the correct initial:/ labeling of the other person's speaking. I wanted to have a little more back and forth with the POV.

Feels strange that these are real people and strange writing about them, but, my hope is that the 'fictionalized exchanges are dignified' i.e. themes and execution.

This update took forever, and after this, one more chapter and it's a wrap. May have an epilogue if I get bold and try to iterate why I was compelled to write this fic. We'll see.

Re: story's traffic – getting 'hits' , few unique visitors and few reviews. Seems that some traffic **cough SPAIN cough** hits a lot but not unique visitors and no comments. I know I came to TR movie 'party' late I guess I missed the window, I didn't find until last fall. Oh Well I almost forgot, for all the previous chapters too, Blackberry© with the correct symbol.

-xXx-

**KPOV**

This city's events flew by. We were both feeling more free with the girls 'offsite'. We only saw them just before and just after scheduled press commitments. And, now we're done until our flights this time tomorrow. We could be airborne right now, but I'll take an extra day with her, us like this if I can get it, so there was no reason to hurry.

"Come here" I ask, holding up my arm to coax her back into her spot up against me. She relinquishes her Blackberry© slides over, and there's a bit of quiet for a minute as I stroke her back motioning with the pressure of my hand for her to lean up and kiss me. She's familiar by now with this tactic of mine and doesn't need any coaxing. We kiss for few minutes and the last time when we break for air, I take my opportunity.

"Hey, so I was thinking, you may've thought of this too, I'd sure like to have more alone time when we're back- , for the last events at home. Think the parents may let you extend the _'slumber party'_?" I winked. She turns away from me, flipped over, her voice projected off in the other direction.

D:/ "I was thinking about it, as much as- , well while, not wanting to think about it."

"I asked someone to make reservations- , it's a good idea to- "

D:/ "Ok, when I'm ready to think about it, I'll talk to the parents."

She is minimally engaging me on this, really not wanting to think about it.

I couldn't bear the idea of missing the window. I stroked her back, letting my hands roam both outside and inside her long sleeve tee she's been lounging in. She likes the petting, but isn't giving an inch as I've barged into her denial time.

LATER

Kissing. Her hands. Mesmerizingly beautiful sounds. And of course, the all important atmosphere; Privacy. Sensual. Intimate. Luxury.

I'm watching her, hoping that she doesn't see that I'm watching her. I guess it's that present moment _'whatever'_ the eastern mystics talk about. I tend to glaze over and it sounds like _blah, blah blah_, when I've heard someone mention it, but, I think I get it right this second. I think that's what I'm feeling, from what I've heard- , this is that. I can be here, under her hands, and under her lips and still be outside of it. I feel like I'm two people, or I'm one person with two points of view, simultaneously. But I want to remember how this feels, the way the room looks, how she sounds, each detail I can commit to memory, -things will change and we will have to be ready for what's next, and however we're going to figure that out.

She REALLY LIKES the kissing and touching. But, especially the kissing. Seems to have an endless supply of willingness and stamina. I guess the physical too, our chemistry. A city ago, before I had kissed her, I really wanted to kiss her, but, with all the time we have behind closed doors, knowing I'd have to rein in my control, I was apprehensive. We've done Ok, so far. And, I had to wait for her to make the move. Luckily she reads me and figured it out when I dropped the _'hint_'. Kissing and touching, and language when we're feeling bold, saying in the moment what it feels like. That hasn't happened much, it's mostly Me, I think we're both kinda shy, I know I am, and spontaneity, in the moment is what makes that genuine. She's enjoying all of this. Enjoying that what she feels has expression. But it's more than that, it's access, it's the next phase of her life and she's almost intoxicated with the intensity. I read it in her actions, she doesn't talk about it. I have to start conversations, ask her questions and draw her in. I read it in the way she reaches for me and takes every opportunity to touch, the tips of those beautiful hands, in as many places and as many ways as she can, PG that it is.

The kissing, touching and her hands and my heart is racing, and my desire has a will of it's own. I'm almost at my limit for how much of her mouth, lips and the feel of her touching me I can actually take, and when we break away to breathe, I motion with my limbs that I want her to let up, let me out of her grasp. She rolls off me and I sit up, and walk toward the suite's kitchen to get a bottled water.

"Hon, I'm thinking about coffee" I say over my shoulder as I walk away from her toward the suite's kitchen.

D:/ "Is this you stalling, or pacing sounds a little more dignified. You pacing yourself, or do you really want coffee?"

"Can it be both?"

D:/ "Sure, it can. It already is whatever it is. Saying it's anything other than- "

"Is suffering. Yeah"

D:/ "Basic world religions. Well, hand me the phone and we can have another round of coffee service here."

I grabbed the handset and held it out to her. As she reached for it, I pulled it back when her eyes caught mine. She held my gaze.

She was leaned on one elbow with her arm extended.

D:/ "Whataya want, Stewart?" she said just above a whisper.

"Mmmm, that's a loaded question, Fanning."

She smiled, liking the innuendo. It's all the layers of what this is, the teasing, the warmth, the affection, the ticking clock, witnessing her in this place in her life, teetering on the edge of emerging adulthood. She's a juxtaposed creature, mature but always up for a little game, her youthful exuberance at the ready.

She wouldn't deny it if I mentioned it. As smart and self aware as she is, it's probably already occurred to her.

"I would've thought you'd tease me more, the uh, reach my limit, pacing I guess is what you called it, pacing thing."

D:/ "Sure, I thought about it, but it doesn't feel kind."

"Just thought you'd take the chance while it was there."

D:/ "Not like it's anyone's fault, it just is. But I might tease you about it later, though."

"Sure, whatever deflects the energy best. You gotta be pretty wound up too."

She looked at me but didn't reply, just kept on in the same direction she had been headed.

D:/ "Well, since you got the handset, you call for your coffee service and I won't have to extend my arm any more. And, when it's on the way up here, you can specify to your heart's content, the wish list."

"The wish list, huh? That's bold, I'll put some ideas together for that" I laughed, leaning down to kiss her.

D:/ "Well, incase this couldn't have gotten any more fun." She winked, kissing me back.

I walk toward the balcony while I dial the front desk. I lower my voice slightly when the kitchen picks up.

Thirty seconds later I'm crawling back into bed reaching for her.

LATER

We hear a knock at the suite's door.

D:/ "Oh, that must be your precious coffee" she says teasingly.

She slipped out of my grasp, smoothing her clothing and catching a glimpse in the mirror before heading for the suite's front door.

After I hear it close and the lock click, I get up and head for the suite's main room.

D:/ "What else did you order?"

I lean over and kiss her, slipping my arms around her, purposely slow down my pace. She immediately relents to my affection and doesn't pay any more attention to what's under the silver dome on the cart.

Everything that absolutely hypnotizes me about her mouth is going to be ratcheted up in just a minute.

"Come on" I say as I motion toward the bedroom, taking her hand. I move the tray from the wheeled cart and place it on the bed, removing the lid. Her face breaks into a big smile.

D:/ "Little something up your sleeve there I see, N I C E."

"Yeah, it's atmosphere- , take whatever we can grab, why not, right?"

D:/ "Sure."

We crawl in with the tray between us, and I say "You pick." She points to the strawberries and cream.

I pick a strawberry dip it in the cream and she leans in as I slip it into that crazy, beautiful, mouth.

D:/ "Mm, that's good" she says as she laughs. She leans over and kisses me and I can taste the fruit, the cream and her.

"Ok, You" she says as she starts to reach for a clothe napkin.

"The same" I say.

We repeat this back and forth, stopping in between to kiss. Her eyes land on my mouth as fruit and dipping sauce only partially disappear.

"You picked a huge berry, Honey" I say as I bite it, letting part of it stay in her hand, not wanting to stuff my mouth in front of her, that'd be a mood killer.

"Mm, come 'ere" she says as she leans in to kiss me while I'm trying to get the caramel that's feels like it's making it's way down the side of my mouth.

This went back and forth while a decent amount of the fruit went missing along with the dipping sauces. I wasn't hungry at all, but it was mesmerizing, looking at her mouth, in between feeling it against mine.

Later, we pushed the tray aside and returned to kissing. When she had her eyes closed, after breaking apart to breathe, I surprised her. When we resume kissing, her tongue sought mine, she encountered a mouthful of whipped cream. Laughing, and instantly plotting her retaliation, reaching for the silver bowl.

Uh oh, I'm taking cover-

- x X x -

LATER

My mind goes to all the extremes; the next time I see her, it won't be like this, will it? While also reveling in how fantastic it feels, and that I can't have more, that I can't touch her the way she wants, the way that I want. I'm frustrated and grateful and the two extremes of the feelings are maddening. I'm kissing her and not really paying a lot of attention, just caught up in how it feels and sounds. I roll her over and slip my arms under her resting my weight on my elbows, as her arms go around my neck. I want to feel as much of her body as close to me as possible and I'm not really thinking about what I'm doing, it's just the next natural thing, this is what we do, people, animals. Well civilized, pretty people and I guess we're animals. And, she's gorgeous. The kissing, her hands, those sounds, and I'm trying to balance between how I've configured myself here over her and getting closer to her in tentative spurts of motion, when I realize how close I am to just completely losing my shit. The light goes off in my head, and I spring up like a jack in the box toy when the exact number of turns to the crank frees it from the constraints of it's cube.

She's momentarily surprised, but not, she's seen subtle variations of me teetering at the edge of my limit before, just not so animatedly. We're not about drama, we're mostly pretty low key.

I ran my hands through my hair, and started to pace.

What is normally a manageable scenario has escaped the limits of my where with all, about 2 seconds away from caving in- ,

She hadn't moved from her side of the bed, she just watched me, waiting to see what I was going to do next.

After a minute of both of us staring at each other in the quiet, she smiled, got up and walked over, slipped her arms around me.

D:/ "Be here for a minute, like this, breathe, relax. We've been here before, you've been here before, this, -energy."

I breathe but mostly I just want to feel her in my arms. She continues her gentle words.

D:/ "It's déjà vu, just like the first night of promo, it's mind, your thoughts, feelings, fears, the same energy _'accelerated'_- , be in it, right here with me, breathe, don't fight it, let it be here between us. You feel like you're going to lose your mind, but you won't."

We stood for a few minutes, some of the intensity dissipated but it didn't magically just goes away.

After a couple minutes she leaned out of our embrace. She looked like she was going to suggest we get back in bed and decided against it.

A minute goes by, neither one of us moves.

D:/ "I got something I want to read, there anything else you want to do?"

I look at her, full on smirking, shaking my head, rolling my eyes for effect.

D:/ "It's ridiculous, I admit it, but- " taking a deep breath, she let's her sentence trail off, we both look at each other, irony, heavy in the air.

D:/ "K, I don't know what else to say, mmm, yeah, do something else, take a walk, stretch your legs, whatever, it looks like it's nice out- "

I get she's saying distraction is a good idea, so sure, I can step out of the immediate situation and regroup.

- x X x -

LATER

I knock on the suite door, she opens it and smiles at me.

"Hi"

D:/ "Hi"

She's looking into my eyes, turns and is walking toward the sitting area, the flat screen is on, no sound.

She sits and motions for me to sit next to her.

I weigh my options and decide to lay down with my head in her lap, my legs stretched out.

She seems to like this. She starts stroking my hair and reaches for my hand that's closest to her, entwining our fingers.

"What are you watching?"

D:/ "You're gonna make fun of me- "

It's a statement or a question, I'm not sure.

"Since I don't really do that, maybe a little."

D:/ "It's the people that design, but not, not the ones that set a budget limit, they're talented, it is genuinely a craft, but I like her", She motions toward the flat screen.

D:/ "This designer and that guy with the glasses, who does stuff that looks like mixed media dimensional installations, high end _'art_' that'd go in museums- "

"Ok, not what I was expecting, but- , I didn't know what I was expecting."

D:/ "And, I guess this comes out of Toronto or something because it doesn't really look like a specific city in the US I think I recognize, and the vanity card at the end is Canadian."

"Is, is it her design sensibility that- "

D:/ "Yeah, and just her, her personal style and she's more eclectic, not as ridiculously high end, but mostly she has a broader range. Some of the others I've seen, kinda don't stray too far from what looks a lot like either their personal style or from what is seasonal, the current color palette for the season."

It's a nice change, off topic, earlier, the tension, my flare up, which isn't like me, now it's lighter and it's a kick, and it doesn't feel forced like we're purposely avoiding the topic. Fuck it, I don't care. She's talking about textiles, and I'm listening but I'm also thinking about the close proximity my face is to her chest- , I can't help it.

Her fingers are mindlessly playing in my hair, which feels great, gentle and simple, effortless. She has a light grasp on the fingers of my other hand. Oh God, for a second I'm light, buoyant, almost floating, momentarily overwhelmed with this wave of joy, like when I was a kid at the park or the beach, carefree and it just held all the promise that every successive experience of my life would feel this fulfilling, endless possibility and pure freedom. For a minute while she's talking about the color wheel's complimentary something- , I'm aware of the breeze drifting in through the suite's balcony doors, the nondescript time of day, and we could be anywhere- ,

Time has stopped and all I can think of, is I can't think of anything, my mind is empty except for the tingling under my skin and the awareness of all of it together, with this calm- , and wanting it to never end.

I can feel my eyes itch, it's the signal that the scenario that's manifesting in me and around me and my awareness of it, shit- , I'm gonna cry. Not I think I'm gonna cry- I'm gonna cry.

No false alarms that I've turned around at the last minute, no this is full on happening now-

D:/ " -not really a fan of that, but she had to do something that would be scale to the size of the room and the ceiling height, and somehow she's done it, it works- ,

She pauses briefly, and I feel her eyes on me.

D:/ "I lost you, was it too much detail?"

I blinked, cheated what I was feeling by looking at the flat screen, hoping to buy some time.

"Yeah, I think it works- , especially because of how she used the textures" I say hoping that it doesn't sound out of whack since I haven't been paying attention.

She can feel the energy in my body, a slight tremor but I'm secretly hoping that she goes out on the long end of a tangent so I can take a minute to pull myself together. This is the difficult part of the close proximity, well, one of the difficulties.

She stops stroking my hair and waits to see if I'll turn back to face her.

I've been feigning interest for a while in what the designer has put together, furnishings, colors etc, trying to collect my emotions.

This mortal coil is betraying me. She's starting to realize-

"Hey- " she says softly, looking at me, my face is still turned away from her.

That's it, her demeanor, caring, that voice as she comforts me. I can't hold it back, cat's outta the bag.

My first thought is to turn toward her and hide my face but, because of how I'm positioned with my head resting on top of her legs, it would be, well dicey to say the least.

And, since honesty is at the base of all this, and she can see if I'm not honest anyway, might as well just give in.

As I turn my head and I'm looking at the ceiling, one tear runs down the side of my face, from the eye closest to her.

She sees it and catches it before it runs into my ear and looks at me just before I scrunch up my eyes tight. A soft hack, a quick choking sound escapes me, followed by my taking a deep breath.

Her hand resumes playing with my hair and as she's waiting for me to say something or not.

I feel her lean her head back on top of the couch looking at the ceiling, subtly giving me space by not looking in my direction. A minute later, she moves around and lays next to me on the couch. Stroking my back she lets it be quiet, not asking or saying anything.

After a while I motion with my limbs that I want to get up. I'm inside next to the couch's back, so she has to sit up to let me out.

"I'll just be a minute" I say as I squeeze her hand before releasing it from my grasp.

I walk to the suite's bathroom and close the door.

I splash water on my face without making eye contact with my reflection.

I wash my hands and return to the suite's sitting room.

I smile half heartedly, Blackberry in hand, and stare at the screen, scrolling, just for something to do. I feel disoriented, lost in _space time_.

Offhand, but wanting it to come across light, to acknowledge it so it doesn't seem like I'm holding out, I walk over to her.

"It's tied together, the earlier episode and this, the emotion, it's yin and yang of the same- " I don't finish.

She's looking at me waiting to see if I'll say something coherent.

"The jack in the box and the emotion, it's, it's a conversation that should happen spontaneously- "

I pause and take a breath, "and right this second, well, it wouldn't feel spontaneous, anymore."

D:/ "I can't say I get what you're trying to say yet, but you seem like you're alright- "

I nod my head, but my eyes still burn and I'm sure they're all kinds of blotchy red.

D:/ "if you weren't Ok you'd tell me, right?"

"Yeah, and maybe later, the words will have found me and- "

D:/ "Ok."

She stands up and her arms slip around my neck, her body flush against me.

"It's, it's not a tantrum, it's complicated." I say, an understatement.

_FLASHBACK_

_"-well, I've taken one or maybe two reveals, I guess it's two- , people I usually have access to aren't around- , phone's not the same."_

_D:/ "It happens- , traveling, I know what that's like- "_

_"I wanted to be my best- , with you, and I was having some difficulty, some of it is- , the obvious- , challenge- " _

_Flashes and yelling, in front of the canvas background with the title treatment and sponsors' logos._

_"And, something we haven't mentioned yet, specific to- "_

_I pause catching a signal off to my right and I turn to my left. D is attuned to the subtle movement and she leans left into me, shifting for the lenses that are shooting from this angle._

_"Oh, this is part of why I'm willing to cut her slack, she knows what happened before, it's how I figured out why this, is so different- , She understands what this is for me- "_

_D:/ "Well, vague much? Not sure what that means, but you'll tell me later, right?"_

_"Short version, there's backstory for why she's watching me 'closely'- , But, it's also why how she is doesn't bother me, well sometimes it does bother me-_

_Sometimes I just want to wring her neck, except she could crush me, those arms and shoulders, I don't stand a chance."_

_D:/ "None of us do. D laughed. "C has the best advantage, height, in great shape, even she's out of her league." We both laughed._

_We're having this conversation during two solid minutes of yelling, and flashes happening simultaneously, which is kinda strange._

_But topics arise when they do, it's how it is- , this is our water cooler talk, -chatting at work. And, I'm softening up the ground, dropping the topic lightly before we- , before I bring it up later when we can have the real conversation._

_I laughed a bit nervously as we haven't said anything even close to "how we are similar" except when __she described the satori reveal. _

_She hasn't said anything else about it. On a mystical level, she may not be ready to talk about it yet._

_The satori caught me by surprise and there's a couple ways to take what the experience may have been for her._

_How we're similar, it's code for the girl thing, she mustn't think it's weird, not so weird that she wouldn't be here, like this with me, but bigger picture, when the bubble doesn't make everything unreal- , when the outside world beckons, that's the question in my head, what happens then?_

_D:/ "You're being vague, I guess coy is the glamorized word for it, and it's all about glamour right this second."_

_We pivot in the same direction once and separately once left, once right._

_D:/ "Yeah, it's obviously a conversation we'll have later, but you're softening up the ground, now."_

_We're almost done, I move a little closer, lean into her a bit more and breathe in her ear, feigning whispering something to her as the flashes continue. She shivers slightly and laughs._

_I lean in again, really speaking this time when I say "I'm thinking about how we're similar- " and I say lowering my voice not just it's volume but octave too, as I want to convey an alternate meaning behind my deliberate choice of the word 'similar'._

_D:/ "Mm, confounding me, while I'm working?" She intones, rich in sarcasm._

_"Only because I can" I laughed._

_And there it is, the signal being flashed off to my right, when she says-_

_D:/ "So you know, if I'm moved in the moment, I may tell J how over the top she's been, say to to her what I said, to you before- , unnecessary, how harsh she is with you about this, US- "_

_"Oh, about that- "_

_D:/ "Yeah?"_

_"Go on- I'm sorry, I interrupted you" _

_She looks at me quizzically._

_But, I keep going anyway, she's familiar with my need for many more words to get through a typical day in my life compared to how she is._

_"What I said a minute ago, she knows what happened before- , it's something I've not said yet to you."_

_D:/ "Well, you've got your evening with me cut out for you then, cause my curiosity is up now" she laughed._

_"Go ahead, I didn't mean to change the subject."_

_D:/ "I don't want to feel like I can't call her out. Are you going to be Ok with that?"_

_"I am. She wants us to be real with her, it'd bother her more if she thought we were holding back. I'll be there if you want." _

_LATER_

_We're in a nondescript area at the screening, not due to take our seats until God knows when. D is basically in the same spot she's in when were lounging, except we're standing. She's flush against me, her head resting on my shoulder, her profile turned out, one foot between my feet. The girls are seated on a small couch on the other side of this area; and we're waiting, D's back is to them. No one's talking, just enjoying the calm before everything starts back up again. A side door that looks like a fire exit opens and D's PR person emerges, walking over. She makes eye contact with me, registers no expression at all, doesn't say anything, just motions for D to take a walk with her. D turns to me, smiles, slipping out of our one arm embrace and follows said PR person down the backstage hallway._

_J looks up. addressing me as soon as D is out of earshot._

_J:/ "What's going on K?"_

_"Not much, wondering what that was about" I say motioning in the direction the PR girl whisked D in._

_J:/ "How are you?"_

_"Good."_

_There's a pause. I'm not sure if this is something more than a friendly inquiry._

_C:/ "She seems quieter than usual."_

_"She skipped the 2nd round of coffee that I'm always hyped up on."_

_Quiet for a minute._

_C:/ "Hmmm, more like she's a little distant- "_

_"She's not the talker" I say hoping that'll be the end of it._

_It's quiet for a minute and it seems that there's an expectation in the air for a bigger reveal._

"_I think she was a little taken aback during our last visit, the four of us, the teasing, the innuendo" I said._

_J:/ "Really?"_

_C looking over at J. _

_C:/ "We may've over did it?"_

_It's quiet again._

_J:/ "There more you're not saying K?"_

_I realize I don't know how to say this, but here goes anyway._

_"Seems like, I'm guessing, this, professional, personal, unexpected, a little at a time, it's the edge of adulthood, what she's been asking for, but it's vulnerability, too. So, being teased or feeling like it's being labeled- "_

_J:/ "It feels personal to her."_

_"And, the policing, you being the sex police" I laughed, but she didn't laugh._

_I continued "when you were giving me grief, it made her protective."_

_C:/ "Well, that makes sense- , if it feels like that."_

_J:/ "So, vulnerability together with feeling criticized?"_

_"Yeah, well criticized seems harsh, we were both blindsided this was here, for both of us, between us, but it's been easier for me. I wouldn't say she feels criticized- , maybe scrutinized."_

_J & C look at each other for a couple seconds._

_"So you can see how-"_

_J:/ "Sure, of course. Vulnerability, strong feelings go with it, it can make us feel all kinds of different things. The caution thing isn't personal, wouldn't anyone be that way with how this is?"_

_C:/ "How you doing with all this anyway, that's a lot of days strung together of 'managing'. She smiles broadly, innuendo for two seconds but her eyes soften and she displays a warmth that seems like her version of compassion._

_I deflect and go wide._

_I take a breath, "We're fine, it's just challenging."_

_I wait a moment._

_J looks directly at me, like she's waiting for something._

_"I've said this to you broadly, and, I'm sure anyone can see it. Particularly because of this story, these __themes, but it'd probably be happening with any project that she'd have, it's just that time of her life, happening right now, and being here without her parents, US, our spending time together and the attraction, how it manifests- " I pause for a second and I think about how I want to phrase the next sentence. "I watch her sometimes, when I can step out of it for a minute. She's sixteen and she's not- , and the physical together with the- , well, that whole "in her body" access she has, when the physical and affection, in the moment, she's in it, it's rising up through her and goes right up to the edge, she is- "_

_C: & J: / "Yeah?" they say in unison._

_"When she accesses it to be someone else- , for what's on the page, is pale in comparison to her being in it, as herself when she's being motivated by, desire."_

_I took a big, deep breath._

_They both look at me and shake their heads._

_Well, they asked._

_LATER_

_D returns without said PR person, walking up to me, getting back in to the exact place she vacated before. _

_D:/ "Any closer to getting this started?" she asks._

_"No word yet, still hurry up and wait." I say as I lean in and my arm goes around the small of her back. I'm struck suddenly that she does this so effortlessly and I am so accustomed to how natural and right if feels. And, also conscious in the moment there are a limited number of times left that she will do this. I let it go, I can't hold onto thoughts like that, I have to be here now._

_She doesn't ask what we've been talking about. Maybe assuming it's the same relaxed quiet it was when she was whisked away._

_C:/ "What's your day been like so far, it's weird not being a floor away. Don't get me wrong" she says glancing over a J "Being in her home" she nods in J's direction "instead of suites and beds for hire, it's great- "_

_Obviously C is self conscious with what she asked and what I revealed, and is making conversation for the sake of alleviating the quiet. _

_"It's two sides of the same glorious coin" I say without elaborating any further._

_J:/ "What does that mean?"_

_"That fine line, between what we've been given and the limitations it presents, and the time line, the clock" I say vaguely._

_D's looking over at me picking up on what the topic is based on the sentences she's heard. _

_D:/ "She's deflecting -" she doesn't finish her sentence._

_Pausing briefly, looking up at me. _

_"Go ahead, you answered for me- , you may as well continue-"_

_"She gets to her limit and is conflicted. Between what she feels and- " _

_I finish up what she started "What she's saying in a not so thinly veiled way, is I'm struggling with my control, I melted down- , not my usual- "_

_D:/ "Yeah, because she's the only one holding back" she says laughing._

_"Hey, I never said that"_

_D:/ "You don't have to say it, it's implied."_

_"What does that mean?"_

_D:/ "That it's more difficult for you, or you're more demonstrative about it, that's you, you couldn't be someone else if you tried."_

_The girls see the minor discord between us and start laughing._

"_What, me, I couldn't be someone else? Really?"_

_D:/ "Oh, don't get offended. This isn't about your talent or your ability to make anyone believe. I mean you as You. This goes along with how you are."_

_"You don't say this to me in private, it's now?"_

_D:/ "The topic is here now, it goes with that bit of dark- "_

_"Oh, this is getting good now, dark?, what's dark?"_

_D:/ "It's connected to how you're- , there's something under there that's undone, kinda raw and you mine it as part of your creative expression, but it also makes things feel bigger. And, when you're conflicted, or denied, it's heightened- "_

_"Oh, so Freud's going to my childhood, huh?" I laughed._

_She looked at me and rolled her eyes, but didn't say anything._

"_You wanna do this?" I said._

_D:/ "No, nothing that extreme, Freud, before that it was Helen of Troy. You and your penchant for grandiose, historical figures. This is minor as far as I can see, it's- , it's like coloring, how skin may be 'white' but it has reds or yellows or blues in it, it's not one flat shade. You're not just one, how do I say it, it's nuance, It makes you, YOU."_

_"So, you're composure, the facade of composure is preferable?"_

_D:/ "Oh, ouch- , facade, really?" She laughs, but it's not funny ha ha laughing, it's sardonic laughter._

_We look at each other for a minute._

_D:/ "I'm saying that I know certain things about you but you're also enigmatic, only time would reveal more, time that I haven't had with you, yet. And, they're just observations, but I know certain things about human nature, about motivation, what vulnerability is and how it manifests."_

_"And, what about you, what does the facade of composure say about you?"_

_D:/ "It says whatever you think it says, what I said is just one girl's opinion" she states plainly, no defensiveness._

_"And, I've just not shared that yet?" I state, questioning._

_D:/ "Well, let's back up, it's only a facade sometimes. Sometimes it is composure. But, the topic hasn't been up, we haven't gone here before- , unless you share those thoughts while I'm asleep, and I have no recollection." She laughed._

_Oh, that's funny, the making me reveal while I'm asleep thing, yeah."_

_D:/ "It's implied, she pauses "But, it's Ok, own, just take a breath and own it, I think you know that's the subtext here."_

"_Maybe this will be better later- " I infer 'in private.'_

_We seem to have reached a good place to let it go for now._

_J:/ "Well, it's a bit odd to be here in what I guess would normally be a private exchange-"_

_I don't say anything, but it may be the perfect lead in for-_

_D:/ "Yeah, about that, private exchanges. It hasn't kept you from, maybe that's not the best approach- , I know that you both have your views- , and probably anyone in this crazy, unique situation would see it the same way too- "_

_She paused for a minute, looked around to make sure we were all still alone here._

_D:/ "She's so much more of everything than you seem to give her credit for. I couldn't believe your __relentless grief, when it happened right in front of me. Beyond teasing, and that was just casual, sitting around talking, I can't imagine how you are when you're on a rant, with something legitimate to get to the bottom of."_

_She looked from J to C_

_D:/ "Both of you."_

_J has a wicked poker face, no expression is registering at all. No give away in her body language, nothing she's still and visibly relaxed._

_D continues, looking just at C now._

_D:/ "Her I kinda expect" she motions with her hand, moving her index finger from J to me "they got that simpatico thing, and there's probably a piece of this I'm not considering, or I'm protective of my privacy so I'm feeling exposed- "_

_She let her sentence trail off and took a breath_

_D:/ "Trust me, I get the caution, I do, "_

_PAUSE_

_D:/ "I want to see her in everything, and in nothing- , Everything except a couture orange jumpsuit. And, I'm not on the hook, I get it, it's a whole other end game for me."_

_She seemed to purposely become conscious of something, like she wanted to soften her words even though her tone has been even and paced._

_D:/ "Whatever this is for you, this artistic, reminiscent blast to the past and whatever it's bringing up, I sympathize as much as I can- ,_

_But, you gotta step out of it, whatever mirror this is to what you lived,_

_You have to let her and I succeed or fail, on our own merits, You had your say."_

_She stops for a moment, looking to me._

_I nod my head just slightly when I meet her eyes, inferring silently for her to continue._

_D:/ "If she comes to you for something, to listen, whatever- ,_

_You have to still be what she needs, you still have to give her what she came to you for_

_but I can't hear your voice, or see your face when I get in bed with her, it's not fair to us."_

_- x X x -_

_LATER_

_Events done, we are heading back inside D's suite. She removes her shoes, I follow behind her and slip mine off as we take a seat on the couch._

_I'm leaning against the arm and I pull her around so her back is against me and she settles in leaning against my chest._

_"You do this really effortlessly, the high end glam- "_

_D:/ "It isn't effortless, but it's not torture- , You do a decent job yourself, making it look easy."_

_"It's expected. Won't get the part if I can't do all of it up to their expectations"_

_D:/ "No kidding. Dress up is kinda fun, I can get in the mood for it."_

_"I have to concentrate when I'm walking, but the rest of it is easy- , posture that after six requires, is intuitive."_

_D:/ "Yeah, really, no slouching allowed."_

_We laughed._

_I ran my hand up her leg until I ran out of skin and hit clothe, unable to get over the sensual feel of her softness and this fabric._

"_And, here you are, playing dress up, stunning head to toe. So, turn around and give me a kiss- "_

_She turns around, but the constraints of the outfit don't give her the same freedom to move around at will, like when we're lounging in street clothes._

_She has to hike up the couture dress to straddle my legs, leaning into me, a light kiss turns into her tongue and warm breath when she says _

_D:/ "Mmmm, And, you here, and I get to do this- "_

_She says leaning in her slinky feeling strapless dress clad self alluringly against me while I meet her mouth._

_"And, you're here, wrestling with yourself about getting in my after six ensemble- " I laughed_

_D:/ "Oh, I'm not wrestling that much, I'm gonna get away with anything I can."_

_she laughed, sitting up on her knees, looking down at me._

_End Flashback_

_-xXx-_

**DPOV**

I was looking through the bureau draws, I wanted to get my favorite blouse dry cleaned to travel in tomorrow. I've been surveying what I could leave out for the evening, morning and afternoon before everything has to be accounted for and packed up. I hear the alert that signals I have a message.

She's in her suite next door, so it's a bit strange that she didn't just walk over.

"_Be there in 10"_ I type setting the device on the bureau top.

A bit later I'm in the corridor in front of her suite knocking when she opens the door.

K:/ "Hey, Hi." she steps to the side for me to enter, holding out the flat of her hand sliding it across my abdomen as I cross her path.

"Mmmm, that why you brought me here, to touch me?"

K:/ "I brought you here so you'd touch me, let's get our priorities in proper sequence" She laughed.

K:/ "You want a sparkling whatever with lime?"

"Yeah, what you're having" I say watching her in the suite's kitchen area wrangling glasses, limes, ice, etc.

K:/ "Getting stuff done, you getting ready?" she queried.

"Yeah, what getting outta here entails, ready to travel, the mundane stuff. If my mom was here she'd be busying herself with that while I worked."

K:/ "So this is the other side of one of the parents not being here."

"Yeah, but this is 'also' the other side of one of the parents not being here" I say as I walk up to her slip my hand around the back of her waist and kiss her.

K:/ "Mmmm, yeah, your parents not here is a good thing. Getting ready, I gotta do that too, I haven't started yet, but it's on the list before time gets away from me and I'm in a panic to make sure I have everything" she says.

She swings the doors open to the balcony indicating for me to follow her. Two chairs with a small table in between and she indicates for me to sit down. As soon as I do she moves her chair and the table so she can reach me, so we can touch each other.

When I just about drained my glass of sparkling whatever with lime, and set it on the small table, she reached for me, warm eyes, seeking mine, and I think I'll never tire of looking in them.

It's quiet and we're sitting and not having to feel like we must 'chatter'. That's great, and I'll miss it, don't have this with other people.

I've been avoiding having a certain conversation, even though she's tried.

Well, we're on our way back to where we live, hopefully we'll use the excuse of the junket to steal a little more time alone.

It's been an unexpected whirlwind, in the best way. She's easy to be with, and it's a bigger surprise than I could've ever anticipated. I can't imagine not having her right here and seeing her and having this everyday.

Yeah, I'm afraid of the letting go, the feelings that'll rise up, they'll wash over me at one point, more than once I'm sure, and at other times just be a dull ache in the background. A lack of motivation, a feeling of being lost, second guessing that I could've done something better or different or a different choice for a different outcome.

Not that I couldn't balance the sadness with the positive aspects of the overall experience- , of having what I got to have but we always want to keep **having** once we get, it's human nature.

In retrospect, we went against type, and that great muse element, we played off each other which enhanced what we each brought. Away from 'work' we chose how we would be and what we'd exchange, we struggled for a middle not wanting to just avoid it all together since on paper aspects of going forward didn't really add up.

The upside about being around the girls is we can completely be ourselves I guess that isn't going to happen that I can imagine, anywhere else.

The burden of 'secret' was lifted around them and I liked that, it made things 'lighter'.

And, it wasn't salacious or whatever but the thrill of 'secret' doesn't hold any appeal for me, not that I would have to tell the world and would I feel differently if we were both either 16 or 20? I like my privacy but I also want to be free, that's what's been nice about the bubble, we get to be just us.

Everything in this life is beginning, middle and end.

We didn't let the limits deter us, but decided to work within them. Maybe we can find a way to keep doing that.

It's quiet, and I like that she doesn't ask me what I'm thinking. I hate that stereotype that women supposedly do that, not all of us- .

K: / "You're too far away, not enough of you that I can reach, let's go inside."

We move inside and sit on the couch. She's sitting on one leg and the other is bent at the knee and her arm is around me with that wandering hand on my lower back, making me aware that I just want to get more skin on skin.

K:/ "C'mere" she says as she scoots toward the arm of the couch so she can lean back, pulling me along, and we laugh while we shuffle around, and I'm trying to figure out what she has in mind. Finally we're settled, she's leaned against the arm, almost sitting up, inside leg against the couch's back bent at the knee and I'm on my side on the couch's outside

K:/ "I was just enjoying the quiet and the alone time. I've had quite a bit of that cumulatively in my adult life, I like it when it's by choice."

"Yeah, me too. And, we've been spending a lot of awake time together, which is great, but a little bit of away is good too."

K:/ "Crazy, but I missed you after like, an hour." She smiled and looked down, sheepishly.

I smiled too, feeling self conscious all of a sudden. Saying what she feels seems to be easy for her, and I am aware that I haven't really said anything even remotely close to what this feels like. I've just been reaching and touching, but I haven't been 'saying'.

Just then, right at that second, I'm sleepy, and the best sleep happens spontaneously, without having to think about it. I close my eyes, and surrender. I'm exactly where I want to be.

- x X x -

LATER

**KPOV**

"Babe" I say as I run my hand up and down her back. Her head is turned away from me, and she doesn't turn around when she answers me.

D:/ "Mmmm, yeah?"

"How'd you sleep?"

D:/ "I'm still asleep, I think" she says as she lifts up and flips over changing sides so she's laying on the other side of me, and turning her head the other way to compliment the changed positioning.

She's laying atop me, and I find myself 'being the cushion'. But, this is what she likes, so I indulge her.

I want to ask her if she's staying awake, but it makes more sense to just wait and see what happens. I like the quiet, and her like this, the warmth, and trust, everything that's easy and implied. I listen to her breathe, no question or answer is needed.

-x X x-

LATER

"Is this weird to you, if you think about it- "

D:/ "What exactly?- "

She's not saying anything yet, but my breathing because of our kissing and touching is eroding away my where with all.

D:/ "What?, -how this feels?- "

"Yeah, that it's the same."

She doesn't say anything.

I can probably get her to admit it, but I'll buy some time, just keep kissing.

A few minutes go by, I'm compelled, I have to know.

"This, how this feels- "

D:/ "Mmmm, K, are you trying to ask me something?"

"Well, kind of, yeah, I mean- "

She pulls me into a sitting position, conveniently for her she's on top straddling my legs, her fingers entwined with mine, and she's pulling my arms out to my sides while she's kissing me- , when she stops, but doesn't release my hands.

D:/ "I don't think about it, I haven't thought about it, except when it hits me, but- , But, all of it hits me- , not just this."

We're still for a minute. She seems to gather her words or decide how much she wants to say.

D:/ "All of it hits me- , I may not play a kid again, unless I want to. As long as nothing goes horribly wrong, the parents don't breathe down my neck, anymore. And, yeah, -it's You, this is who You are and, how do I say this, in this wrapping, how you got to me. Maybe not the most conventional thing that I could've expected."

"Is it strange to bring it up, saying it?- "

D:/ "Kind of, I liked that it was unspoken, I guess- "

I let loose an exasperated sigh, and indicated that I wanted out of her grasp, she let go and I fell backwards with my arm bent at the elbow over my eyes. "Oh, shit- "

We can't un say it, it's hanging in the air now.

D:/ "Hey, don't worry about it- " she reached for me, closing up the space by sliding over and laying against me, turning up to meet my eyes.

D:/ "I was kind of just enjoying not thinking about it. It's not like it can be avoided, really. Press grabbed a hold of it and haven't let go. It's been a topic- , the girls, don't get me started, you'd think they'd never seen- , I don't even know how to finish that sentence- "

She paused, and I'm struck with a sudden burst of pending impatience.

"Yeah, -the story- , I mean You, I'm asking about _'____You__'- _"

It's quiet for a minute. Then she begins again.

D:/ "I thought about it when I read the script. Obviously I was Ok with it _in character_, or I would've passed- , And, it's subtext, when the chemistry is mentioned, and what you not so subtly said about the image of my father in your head, I got all that- "

PAUSE

"I wasn't sure if when you told me about the satori- "

D:/ "Yeah, that happened fast, blindsided me and I'm upside down- , it was fine, but, -I'm kinda over my head all the way around, on that, I guess. It's almost information overload in a way- , work, a whirlwind, I got what I wanted, then it's You and you're everything I could ask for professionally, creative, intuitive, that doesn't happen often AT ALL. I felt so lucky. And, it was just warm, easy and it clicked- and well, you reached for me, effortlessly, and how it felt, I didn't even think about it, and it's mutual, thank God, one sided would've just been a horror. And, and except for the- , the other thing, it's beyond crazy that the planets aligned, you know?"

"I do know. Those things blew me away when I stopped to think about them, still do."

D:/ "What about you?"

"Which?, what about me?"

"Oh, uh, script, great, working together a dream come true, chemistry, subtext, yeah the girls are beating it into the ground, they can't really help it though, there're seeing themselves. And, yeah, thank God the energy's mutual, or I'd be miserable 24/7, that covers it I guess."

D: / "Ok, so that's how you're gonna play it, huh?"

"Play what?" I feigned naiveté.

D:/ "You'll get to what you purposefully left unsaid when you're ready, I guess. But, you asked me to reveal and I did, just saying." She stuck her tongue out at me.

I let that be there for a minute, meeting her eyes but not saying anything, yet.

D:/ "So you know this means I'm just going to assume that your smooth, practiced technique is finely honed because you've had your way a lot- "

She paused and looked at me out of the corner of her eye.

D:/ "-and if you're Ok with me living with wild images in my head- " She laughed.

"You play dirty don't you Fanning?"

D:/ "I even the playing field Stewart, it's the trade off for the intelligence- "

"Oh, I'll even the playing field- " I sat up, pulled her close and kissed her.

We kiss for a while and I'm fully present to my resistance, what she revealed and why I feel tentative to say, to express that this all together is bigger than I've let on so far.

My earlier meltdown, together with the crying, which I think are related are starting to rear up like the two headed monster-

I can talk myself into this, it's about honesty anyway, right? That's what makes us, us. We're shit without that.

- x X x -

LATER

**KPOV**

"We haven't talked about- "

I pause. She doesn't turn over. She doesn't say anything, she's just waiting for me. I run my hand up and down her back some more, she's sensing my hesitation and she's hesitating, not acknowledging me. She doesn't really do this, yeah, she's economical with her words, but she's quiet for another reason.

How can I make this easier? I lift her arm that's draped over me, she shifts and brings it underneath her side as I slide to where we're even with each other. She turns her back to me and I move my arms around her scooting up against her.

D:/ "Babe, it has to be now?"

"Hey, you don't even know what I'm going to say?"

D:/ "I got a pretty good idea part of it I'm not gonna like- "

"So, when we're home- "

D:/ "Yeah- "

"Obviously we're not going to have this kind of access, we're not gonna go to sleep and wake up, like this."

D:/ "Well, yeah, and since you seem apprehensive to be anywhere near my parents, I'm at a loss unless I apply for emancipated minor status" she laughed.

"Well, as good an idea as that potentially could be, I don't know that petitioning the courts takes care of it all. I wouldn't refuse to be around your parents, it would, uh, how do I want to say this- , I can't do anything I have to hide, it fucks with who I am and what's necessary to just live in my skin, I don't know how else to phrase it. It's more than parents, or statutes. I just couldn't pretend that we were BFFs or something, I couldn't fake that I don't feel what I feel. I can act, don't get me wrong, pretty confident about that, but on a bigger level something profound would be out of whack."

D:/ "Yeah, it's a challenge to even imagine what the work around is, I get it."

"And, what are they gonna think when they look at me, that, like I've corrupted you, if or when they put two and two together, after all this time we've had alone, behind closed doors- "

D:/ "Yeah, I don't know yet, it's a crap shoot, they're parents, they're gonna act like parents."

"There's other practical things I'm scratching my head about- "

D:/ "Let's have it, you're not gonna rest until you get it out."

"Well, what about the other choices you've made, I only know the work side, your creative-auteur, not really anything about the rest."

D:/ "What are you getting at? C'mon, spill."

"Well, you chose to have a typical high school experience- , I don't know what to say about that, don't know if, -I wouldn't know where to begin to fit in with that choice."

D:/ "What does that have to do with anything?"

She hadn't turned around until now, but this gets her to flip over and look me in the eyes.

D:/ "Maybe the 'typical' high school experience deviates with this, what about a middle, again?"

I don't say anything, instead letting her continue.

D:/ "It's all been a middle. Without middle we would've kept on our own sides and not even let anything between us go anywhere. There was a brief moment when we could've made that choice. So this seems black and white, even for you. We lean toward black and white when we're scared. What else is racing around in that head of yours?"

For this she sits up and leaning over for a kiss, her lips warm, soft and a hint of breath on my mouth, and her trademark slow pace.

I slide down a little bit to be even with her and kiss her, hoping to convey everything that I feel. She meets me without reservation, and I know that she is Ok with my seemingly endless line of questions, and this penchant I have for words, talking. It's a bit awkward, she's indulging me, as this is not her m.o., at all.

"What is racing around in this mind of mine? To have what there may be to have, like how it's been, but maybe, well actually yeah, different. And, keeping some of what we can keep, easy going, showing up and having what there is to have."

D:/ "-even though some of the circumstances change?" she intoned as a question instead of a statement.

"Yeah, when I think about feeling it the same way I feel it now, while I'm in it and not really fighting it because I'm not having my will denied- , and later when it's not this easy, this accessible, to remember that I got this unexpectedly because I let go, and this was the next thing. That's the only way I can be relaxed willing, and without that, I'm jacked up."

D:/ "Yeah, I get that, but there's more, that's the topical answer. Babe, it's me, I read you-, and you like it and you struggle with it, but you may as well get out with it."

"What you said before, the opportunity, the chemistry, the parents not breathing down our necks, and it caught you by surprise?"

D:/ "Yeah."

- x X x -

**DPOV**

This is the best part, her guard is down, she's managed both her fear and her desire and is back to a middle I'm not struggling with her to let me in. So different than a city ago when there just seemed to be so much apprehension-

And, the affection, God, it's intoxicating. I think I finally understand addiction in a way I hadn't before. This must be what crack feels like!

K rolled me onto my back and she gave me one more kiss and then stopped.

She's right here, in close, looking in my eyes.

K:/ "Yeah, I could make up some bullshit story- , and maybe it's not as spontaneous as I had originally imagined- , But who wants to be that control freak anyway, right?"

I don't want to interrupt her, I can feel the energy in her body, she's partially on top of me at an angle, her rib cage against me and she seems to be reaching for her words.

K:/ "So, yeah- , it's not a stretch, any cognizant adult would assume that at almost twenty, yeah, a variation of _'this'_ kind of intimate is not the first go round- , And, the meltdown, the emotion- , that's irony, kismet and the something else, I'm trying to get to. That's why I wanted the spontaneity- , and why J keeps watching me outta the corner of her eye. The reveals, when I said certain things out loud, I could see, I could see why this is so different."

She seems to wait a minute, contemplating how she wants the words to come out, or waiting for the words to form or to open up and let them emerge, it's that, she's waiting to be the channel for the words she wants to come through-

I reach for her fingers, moving just the tips between the tips of mine and she begins again.

K:/ "You said before, the opportunity, and the chemistry and parents, all that- I understand, it's the same, I get it, I wanted the part, because of the story, and we ended up working together, your resume, and then the chemistry- "

She paused.

K:/ "Before, when I thought I'd, I thought I'd been intimate, and I was, but I wasn't. Important elements were all there, and I gave and, something key was missing, but I wasn't quite sure what was missing- , and, I don't care, the past is past and it's helped me to see truth when it's in front of me- "

She smiled but didn't let go of my eyes-

"Hey, we get what we get, right?- And, irony is back, now because with you, it's all the elements together- , I've waited my adult life for this- "

PAUSE

She expels an exasperated breath.

"So, yeah, I've waited my adult life for this, and I'm fuckin' handcuffed- "

She laughed without any humor in it at all.

There's a slight almost imperceptible tremble in her body, I can feel it in her back, my arm that's around her, I move my hand back and forth lightly, wanting to soothe her.

Her eyes are welling up, and she shifts slightly, moving so her mouth is at my ear.

I slipped my other arm around her as I sense that possibly weeks worth of feelings and thoughts are bubbling to the surface in the moment.

K:/ "How it was before, I could do anything, everything- "

She stops for a second- , taking a breath.

K:/ "But it didn't feel like this- "

PAUSE

K:/ "I've not made love- "

Just like that the crowning sentence was there, hanging in the air between us.

The proximity, the reveal together with the sensual power of those last four words and that we've been kissing and touching for what's probably been off and on, hours.

She hasn't moved, her head is still next to my ear, but her body is somewhat relaxed almost as if a weight has been lifted and it's manifesting as tension being drawn out of her frame.

I'm stunned, momentarily by her demeanor, the vulnerability, a profoundly sensual, erotic and achingly human confession- ,

I'm not surprised, this is what makes her who she is- '

Why I'm here at all, and willing to put up with the absurdity of these circumstances, to have this, this authentic her, so real- ,

And, if I ever wondered what the draw is, the attraction- ,

the reason I'm in it, it's all here, right now unraveling in all the beauty that is her.

I move my hand that was stroking her back up to her neck and pull her face toward me.

"Oh God, Baby- " spills from my mouth- , just as I kiss her. It's like our first kiss, a contained energy exploding for a few seconds, and I can't hold back. Her words are rocket fuel and our lips together are the boosters ignited. And, I'm compelled to convey, try to match, to meet her in some sort of exchange that could do justice to what she has just revealed.

While kissing her and pulling her to me, I flip us over and crawl atop her full length from toes to head, wanting to feel every square centimeter of her in contact with me in some way. My arms are beneath her with my weight resting on my elbows and my head is reeling and I think I understand more now than anytime previous how intentions, how limits go out the window. Want, desire trumps all my rationality, trumps the images of consequences and I'm as close to out of my mind as I've ever been.

While we're kissing and touching, we move and reach and shift, wanting, seeking, driven by a force that's larger than we are, bigger than our minds, our intent, our meant wells, and without realizing what she's doing, I feel her begin to draw her knees up and the flat of her hand caressing my lower back is coaxing me to drop my hips- , and I do and the sensation of contact is intoxicating and I feel a crazy, heightened level of self control killing friction, and I understand in a flash, a milasecond why we consciously avoided positioning ourselves like this before now-

And, we're both caught in the current, the undertow of the setting, the conversation, the reveal and the alchemy of it all together is way beyond.

"Oh, God, D, this is killing me, you feel so- , I WANT- uuhh, Mmmm"

I continue to kiss her, hypnotized by the sound of her voice in the throes of this heated, literally and figuratively, exchange. Frantic grasping and sounds, and her mouth, and my lips when something jolts her out of the frenzy-

She stops, breaks our kiss and she looks like she's going to fling me off of her and jump up-

I see the look of conflict in her eyes, at once warm and passionate now teetering at the precipice of full blown panic.

It's the dream and the nightmare, juxtaposed and happening simultaneously.

Intent, integrity and every promise that I'm sure she's made to herself and the control she's been managing is flashing through her mind while unbridled desire, sparks and spreads here between us. She expects so much of that slim, lithe body. Absurd that she could allow it to indulge and ask it to retreat at will and not give in to the mechanics of what it is designed to fulfill. Just now, she's overwhelmed.

I stop, frozen in mid motion, realizing I've been rhythmically meeting her body, driving up the physical decibel level, stretching the bounds of our practiced constraint.

I see the look in her eyes, she's tense but she's stopped momentarily and it seems I've managed to keep her from tearing away, making a run for it.

I've been resting my weight well partially on my elbows and find myself in a make shift pilates stance that I've done before but for a different reason.

She's motionless, except for her breathing which sounds like she's just ran the 440 in record setting time.

I quickly slide my hands from behind her head to her wrists while I move my head so that I'm directly above her face, eyes to eyes, less than two inches between us

I hold her gaze while her mind seems to shift through a whole range of thoughts, of what my intent might be for holding her down but not saying anything.

Grasping tightly to both her wrists she realizes I'm not gonna let up until I'm convinced that she's not gonna run.

She's intuitive and here in the moment she's aware that she's at my mercy, because she's exhausted, emotionally and probably from adrenalin, blasts of adrenalin from passionate to danger, both ends of the spectrum.

For a split second I'm wondering if she's oscillating between being turned on that I'm holding her down and confused that I"m not letting her up. I'm not meaning to get b & d or whatever, but, I'm aware, it crosses my mind. I'll have to ask her about that later.

Being the talker that she is, she starts to form a sentence, but is conflicted about that as well.

I ratcheted up my glare to infer _'no words'_ with my eyes. She reads me and gives up the idea of a sentence and starts to relax under my hold.

It's starting to occur to her that I have something in mind and she can let go.

She's looking back at me and along with feeling her body soften she starts to smile, not amusement but a make the best of it surrender, with a bit of sensuality sprinkled in. She's getting the message.

Seems we've settled into a momentary solution and I've managed to turn the boat around. I lean down and she lets me kiss her, my trademark slow, purposeful with warm breath on her mouth. Her heartbeat, the fast, fear based staccato that gave way to calm heart beat of previous is slowly picking up pace but now it's not about danger.

She raises up to meet my lips, rising up from her abdomen to meet me, kissing me letting my hands roam the sides of her torso. She seems to have found her balance again, and she's letting me just touch her, slow, calm, warm, and kissing, of course.

I let a few minutes pass and am content with both her demeanor and the vibe between us. Now, I'm the first to admit that I am purposeful when it comes to language. Good thing too, cause if I wasn't we'd be fighting for air time with how much she talks. I smile when I pull away, and she can't wait to engage her mouth, that gorgeous, insanely, most attractive mouth I can think of, engage it in words, of course.

I jump in before she can launch into whatever she thinks she's gonna say.

D:/ "Before you say anything- " I start-

PAUSE

Deep breath.

D:/ "I get it, but if you never listen to another word I say, listen to this- , You read it, you paid attention and didn't just bolt, if this is as far as it goes, have it, it's here, we've been denied by jacked up statutes that don't apply to us-

I've got my limits too and that frustrates me no end, but God, pulling back, out of some kind of, whatever I don't even know what to call it, don't kill it, bolting for the door or the balcony or whatever- , we can be here, it's Ok, we're Ok, just, it got quelled, don't kill what we can have, this- , the energy is beautiful- "

**KPOV**

It's the closest I've seen her to letting it go, full on drop the composure emotion, a quiver that could be a degree away from 'a she's at her limit' tears. She's bordering on pleading, her words and it's more words than I've heard her spontaneously string together, but it's more than the amount of the words, it's the rawness of them, she's desperate to not have to give up more than we've already given up. She's wicked smart, and wise, like the old person in the village that people would consult wise, probably still do in some remote corner of this great big world, and street smart and I've always known it, but I see it, right now, her insight to salvage the best of this scenario, rein me in, balance me out, yet again, one more time.

And, her posture, her body, even now, she's open and free, fear's not paralyzing her the way fear had it's grip on me. Fuck it, she's right, the energy in the room right now is well, it's sensual, sexy, chemical, even more so now that's she's not languishing behind her composed demeanor. We don't have to drop a crop duster full of flame retardant powder from overhead to douse it. I'm looking in her eyes and I relax my body, letting her know she succeeded, I'm not running off.

LATER

"How'd you do that hoisted up, like a plank of MDF or something?"

D:/ "Oh, that? A pilates pose, done it 500 times. Just not for that reason" she laughed, a bit shyly.

"Not 'cause you needed to refrain- "

D:/ "I don't know what you want me to say, K, ask me something if you want- , tease me if you must, we've purposely not shared personal history- , You really want to start now?"

"Well, I shared personal history."

D:/ "Oh Yeah, you got a point, you did, and that's what kick started- , I don't know if we should have this conversation in bed, I may not be able to pull that off hat trick a second time" she laughed.


	8. Your Reveal Would've Had Me On My Knees

A/N: This is a work of FICTION. Settings and dialog inspired by the clips and print interviews for the promo tour. Chemistry, dynamics and all the great insights they shared when talking about the project and why they wanted to be part of it.

Generic events and locations, does not follow the actual promo time line or the regions where the junkets took place. This fiction is conceived only from The Runaways movie project standpoint. I switched some POV back and forth, hope I caught the correct initial:/ labeling of the person speaking. I wanted to have a little more back and forth with the POV.

Feels strange that these are real people and strange writing about them, but, my hope is that the 'fictionalized exchanges are dignified' i.e. themes and execution.

The wrap up to the whole story is taking longer than I hoped. Not enough time to devote to writing, and many loose ends for themes, etc from previous chapters I hope to tie together. In the meanwhile, I wanted our main characters to address their feelings, so this is a personal chapter, and just about them. In case someone hasn't figured it out yet, I have written 'intimacy' for them but I won't be writing 'sex' for them. No judgment for anyone who does, since these are real people, it is not in my intent for this story.

Shout out to MicMusic, thanks for the kind words. To others who favorited, alerted, and previously reviewed 'Thanks' - Reviews would be great, and any one who may be reading without commenting, I don't know what demons I am exorcising by writing this, but, enjoy!

-xXx-

**DPOV**

Car service is flying up PCH. The sedan doesn't have a privacy panel, and the driver appears to be civilian as opposed to union, so I'm not laying with my head in K's lap like I would be if I could be assured of our privacy. We've just passed the expansive, couture strip mall and it's right about now that it occurs to me, this won't be a commercial hotel stay.

"So, whataya got up your sleeve there, Stewart? You gonna wait until we're water side with white sand under our feet. Shutters is behind us about 5 miles" I say making eye contact with her, my excitement ready to just about split me open.

K:/ "It was one phone call, and it was arranged, someone was here putting anything we'd need inside and making it ready, before car service even picked us up, she paused, "And, we don't have to use a key or a code or anything, someone will show up after, we just get to 'BE' here, at the water's edge, at the end of the world."

"And, not just any world, I've not been here, not even for a party or event or anything."

K:/ "I asked for something special, I wanted this to be special."

The driver got us through the guard's station, and we wound up Malibu Rd. for about three quarters of a mile. The car approached a large, one level, mid-century home, waterside, and at the top of the driveway, cut the engine and we hopped out.

We cleared the foyer and walked through the couple rooms, all ground level, south western facing, each room mostly all large windows and french doors, water views as far as the eye could see. We walked from room to room and settled in what was obviously the master and rolled our bags to one side of the expansive space.

"Mmmm" I said as I flopped face down on the huge bed, crawling up to the center and turned over, patting the side next to me. "C'mere, feel how great this is, this is no 'W' hotel, not that they don't do it well, but Mmmm" I said doing angels wings on the large bed as if it was freshly fallen snow.

K took a running leap and landed smack in the middle of the bed, almost landing on me.

"This is great, I'll be so spoiled after a couple days of this" I said.

I slide down to lay against her and she snaked her arm around my shoulder.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I didn't want or need to move for any reason I could think of.

A blissful couple minutes pass when it occurs to me, "I need to call my Mom, she called before and I let it go to voicemail. It'll take 3 min, tops."

K:/ "I'll let you have some priv- " she began, and moved toward the edge of the bed to stand.

"No, stay, please, it's check in, nothing personal, we won't get into anything thats- "

K:/ "Ok, sure" she said, and scooted back to where she had been, 2/3 into my side, in the spot that I usually am in when she's on her back, lounging with me. She closed her eyes and seemed to listen to my voice reverberate in my ribcage as I spoke.

x X x

**KPOV**

LATER

We're out walking the expanse of private beach, carrying our shoes, covered up in sweaters and light jackets. I marvel at the ocean, how it never stops, it's grandeur and majesty in perpetual motion. The rawness of nature, it's aliveness moving through me, while D's arm drapes around my waist keeping me close by and feeling connected to her, in the wide open that seems to go on to infinity.

We aren't saying anything, just walking and listening to the sounds of the waves and the light spray mist has left a light coating of moisture on my face. I hope it's not jacking up my hair, that'd be the only drawback to living at the beach, frizz and kink fucking with what I usually do to make it look like how I want it to look. Fuck it, I can't worry about it right now, I'm too euphoric, wanting this, and thinking about it, and now having it, and it just started, we just got here.

"So you're asking me to respond to, to your broad generalization of 'dark' and undone, and how I get unnecessarily wound up in other people's perceptions of me, that I could just ignore and not let bother me, is that an accurate description?"

D:/ "Well, I didn't say you shouldn't let it get to you, I said that it's apparent when you're conflicted or denied. You will feel whatever you feel, and I want nothing more than to understand what you feel and help you to be yourself, relaxed and accepting while you navigate what's difficult about some of those feelings. I have no intention of getting into your childhood or family dynamics, but I will say that there are some 'signs', and that's why I mentioned the undone, it's also the swearing, and the smoking. They're classic of what's unaddressed, something under the surface."

"Well, I don't doubt that there is undone and unaddressed. And, it's different now hearing it again, different than the first time. Being alone in private helps.

D:/ "You talk about your relationship with your Dad, but almost no mention of your Mom. How are you two?"

"Uh, as I think I mentioned, I hope that a maturity will help me to have a closer relationship with her. But, it doesn't seem like it's something that's going to happen real soon. Although, she does surprise me, and it's almost always in a good way. She's her own person, and I'll never be able to say enough good things about what it's like to have that _role model_ close by so I can emulate it. It's priceless. She probably has more to do with me having access to my creativity than I can see right now, in my limited perspective."

"Being married to my father and being a mother are the most conventional things about her. And, yet, she's a very traditional mother. Which is kind of unexpected and I didn't know how to navigate that at first. Dad is unconventional too, most parents don't give a fourteen your old the freedom that he has given me. And, my mom didn't argue with him about it, at least not to my knowledge or in front of me, but she kind of turned the parenting of me over to him at one point and didn't really approach anything specific with me, just letting him drive it. And, I don't know if they confer behind closed doors or if this is mostly just his handiwork. I don't know which came first, the chicken or the egg. Are we not as close because we didn't bond, or did we not bond because we were not close, not enough alike, or maybe too much alike, it's all a mystery to me. And, I didn't think about it, it didn't really hit me until I saw other girls with close relationships with their moms, and I didn't feel left out, but I don't know if it's who I am, or if it's who she is, or both of us equally, and not having a sister, there's nothing to compare it to- "

I pause for a second, take a breath as we trudge along in the dry sand.

"I'm not the most conventional person either, I found something very fulfilling, early on and I grabbed it, and held on, and some of it is creative, and hopefully, I would've found something that allowed me to express myself even if it wasn't this, but it's also occurred to me that it's more than that, I don't know if choices I made I made consciously or I made them because I didn't know I had another choice- "

D:/ "How do you mean?"

"It's somewhat unconventional to bow out of the whole 'high school' social experience in lieu of work that basically takes me on the road for weeks to months at a time, and yeah, I'm not always sure what my motivation was for that choice."

D:/ "Well, not relating to the peer group that is high school, could be a huge motivation for that- , but not relating to that group isn't all that unheard of, it's one of the most difficult times in people's lives, even though we get told it's the best time of our lives, whoever the asshole is that came up with that."

I'm a bit taken aback as D doesn't really curse, maybe I'll ask her about that later.

"Yeah, the obvious things have occurred to me already- , not to be dismissive of your insight, I agree with what you said- "

D:/ "No, I get that, but I didn't say what I said about 'dark and undone' flippantly, there's something under there."

"I know, and sometimes at 3 am when I wake up and can't go back to sleep, I think about that- , if you were off base I would've argued with you, I would've called you out, at the least, dismissed it, the way I dismiss other things that people feel compelled to say that I didn't solicit, but, you're not off base, you nailed it, I just don't know what all the possible answers are- , I've wondered if I'd find it in the stories that come my way, either for me in my free time or for work and I haven't been enlightened, yet- "

D:/ "But, you have some idea, right" she said confidently, not even posing it as a question.

I laughed, "Yeah, I have some idea, sure."

D:/ "So, you're gonna go 'enigma' on me, really, over this?"

"I'm wondering if this is 'shrink' territory, I've always wondered what I'd discover if I let that perspective into my view of myself and my motives."

D:/ "No one gets everything, every experience lacks something, no matter how conscientious the parents are."

"No, and I'm not going enigma, I don't know what the answer is just now, I have a couple ideas, let me think about that and we'll revisit, Okay?"

D:/ "Sure, whenever you want, it may not be the easiest thing to quantify."

It's quiet for a minute. I'm sensing that the conversation may take another turn, but I have no desire to be the instigator so I just let her talk, or not.

I like the quiet, especially with the sound of the waves, a backdrop that is soothing beyond anything I can imagine.

Sure enough, a few minutes later, she's onto another topic.

D:/ "Well, since we're not in bed, I feel like I can say this and not- "

For a brief second while she's talking my mind is racing ahead to at least nine scenarios that make me instantly insecure and painfully self aware. Wow, intimacy really can mess with Me, the vulnerability is excruciating, even benignly, without knowing, hell she hasn't even finished the question yet and already I'm already in a free falling panic.

D: / "-put too much pressure or be too invasive or whatever, but at least from my perspective if that pesky 'statute' that is messing with my God given natural born desire, wasn't there, you have no reason not to- "

I had to laugh, she's very articulate and can pare her sentences down to the most succinct of what the language has to offer, except now for some reason.

"Babe, what are you asking, I'll most likely answer you, if I understand what you're asking, so can you start again?"

D:/ "What's different to you, for you?"

I took a deep breath and looked at her. "Really, that's what you want to know?"

D:/ "Sure, it's personal to me, what's here, we've defended it, talked about it with other people, and, your reveal would've had me on my knees if I hadn't already been laying in bed next to you. Emotionally, I was knocked down by what you were alluding to, and how you were so in it, so accessible to me, in that moment. I was profoundly moved."

I smiled, and pulled her close to me as we took a slightly slower pace in the sand as it got more dry moving away from the wet sand as the tide was coming up higher.

"I guess I had something to compare to, which I didn't have before. That's not a numbers or occurrences comment, it's an emotional or invested measurement, if that makes sense. All of a sudden, without having realized it, I had clarity, something I didn't have before. Not intellectually, but somewhere deep down, on a more profound level. And, it's not about the character of anyone before, or saying anything about who we are when we're less mature or anything like that, I don't know how much of that I really want to go into detail about, it could be construed as being, uh, indelicate." I say, feeling self conscious.

D:/ "I get that, you're cautious, it involves more than just you, even if it was less than the full desired effect?" she queries.

"Wow, you're really on this, aren't you? Yes, it was less than the full desired effect, maybe you should ask me what you want to ask me, since I'm usually the one with the agenda and the questions, this is a turn around, and I'm not gonna let this opportunity get a way from me, so please, go ahead, if you want to rephrase or elaborate."

D:/ "There are the conventional, things, assumptions, but if I wanted to go behind your back I could just read what's been rumored, I could have it up on my Blackberry in an eighth of a second, but I'm not interested in that, I want the human side of it, the disparity between that and this, to be, it could sound selfish or self centered, but it's personal to me, to know how and why you classify this as being 'all the elements together, finally?"

"Well, cut right to the heart of it, no warm up, no wade in, just jump into the deep end of the pool?"

D:/ "Sure, why not, you've already eluded to it, boldly stating that or those, I don't want to infer _quantity_ because you didn't, you were vague, you didn't infer one or more than one, so I can't and don't want to- , speak for you."

"Whoa, astute, there Kota, you are hitting on all cylinders, aren't you? I like it, though, it's just going to take a minute for me to determine how I want to phrase this, or pull the thoughts together, so in the meantime, I'll do this"

And, I lean in and press against that exquisite set of lips, for some much needed feeling of them, against mine.

We stop walking for a minute because walking and kissing is not easy even if in my head it seems like it should be.

"Superficially, or maybe not so much, maybe it's more of what the language is capable of conveying for me, is that it goes beyond obviously, the physical, for one. You I'm sure gathered that, or you wouldn't have the trust that you have, but I feel like that's the logical place to start, and next is that my connection to something under my skin, that tingle feels connected to what my body experiences, and that transcends the drive, some of which, forgive how clinical it may sound, but some of which is rooted in human 'need' that technically can be fulfilled with much less fanfare, but not with the same, shall we say 'satisfaction'."

"I also, in reflection because I do have the benefit of reflection, know and believe in the depth of everything that is meaningful to me, that, particularly because I'm 'connected' to the world through creativity that I'm looking for my relating in the world to be as fulfilling as my relating through creativity is. Like if I short cut and went the easy route, it's like becoming an engineer and disregarding the part of me that is deeply fulfilled by being a channel for this art to be expressed through me- , not to come across grandiose, because I don't want to sound egotistical or grandiose- , I don't feel bigger than or more than, an engineer or anyone else, it just feels like I should strive to do this, because it's Me."

D:/ "No, I get it, I do and in a not so subtle way, that's why I wanted this part, beside the fact that it was a better script than most of the other 'coming of age' pieces that I've read, because I can get a hold of just about anything I want to read even if I may not get in front of whoever is ultimately deciding- "

PAUSE

D:/ "I felt like this story could and had in some way, could pass through me and I could 'deliver' it meaningfully, because when I read it, I could picture the events and the feelings that motivated them, so I could let it live through me- ,

And, this was better than most of what's out there, mainly because the story is ultimately, a love story at it's center- "

"Yeah, I read it that way too, and without that, it still could've been compelling storytelling, but the human element wouldn't have been as rich- "

D:/ "And, that just got turned up when I was around them, and that it's still there, now, decades later- "

"Yeah, even if they love other people, too, which is strange as in some ways _romantic love_ wants us to put quantifiers around how much or how many times we can feel something profound like that- "

D:/ "I know right, like somehow having the experience again dilutes the previous one- "

"As if that could or would matter- "

It was quiet for a minute and we walked letting the words and the recollection of that time at the beginning sink in. It felt like a lifetime ago, and also felt like it had just been this morning.

D:/ "You're so not off the hook, yet, just because we went on a tangent, so you know."

"Oh, I know, let me think of where I was- "

PAUSE

"Oh, yeah, so at the time, because that was the 'most' I had experienced, I thought I had, how do I say this, I thought that what I felt was what intimacy was, that I had what I expected and the next thing was to let it manifest- , that ideal that we hope for. And, yeah, the human exchange, the 'act' is quite profound, even in less than perfect circumstances- is that too vague?"

D:/ "No, I get that, just don't stop yet, because I get that you haven't even scratched the surface. I get what you're saying, I think, but I want you, or hope you will continue to pull the layers back on this, because as you're starting to get to the heart of this, but, you're editing as you're speaking- "

"Yeah, I know, and well, I guess if I'm to have the conversation with anyone, it would be you I'd want to have it with, since you read me and obviously accept me, and aren't trying to change me- "

D:/ "Except trying to get you to get on with it, get on with it already" she laughed.

"Ok, Ok, Geez, so, connectedness morphs, or transcends what originally we think of as the physical. The crazy thing is, it wasn't an empty experience. It had these aspects of wanting to connect and be connected, as well as physical and touch and the animalistic, as long as that doesn't sound too, I don't know, scary or whatever. Because, it is that too, although sometimes that can be difficult for people at times to comprehend, and it's more than wanting to be our best, and protect someone, and all the many aspects that we feel, and provide the pleasurable sensation and convey the erotic, and those are all parts of the larger experience, that is definitely part of it too, but that can happen just on a physical level and be rooted in a passion that has nothing to do with wanting to- "

D:/ "Yeah, of course that's a given- , don't get sidetracked or back track, you're getting shy as you're getting closer to what the reveal is, don't stop now, you're really close- "

I took a deep breath, feeling the exposure of the reveal, but at the same time, knowing what a gift it is to have her, everything we've exchanged and shared, and she's genuinely asking me to discuss this part of my life- , without judgement or prejudice, and it occurs to me that I don't know if I want to know or hear her recount this type of experience, so I'm a little bit off balance. I have to pull myself back to the present moment, get out of my head.

"This is the easiest, most direct way to get 'there'- , it got really personal, is all I can say, and in retrospect, I, for the first time could see the disparity, blatantly, clearly, as in a moment of distinct clarity- I was seeing all the different sides of who you are, not understanding all of them and being surprised and confused and challenged by them, and maybe even bordering on irritated, but without the judgement of wanting to change you, seeing the beauty and the grace in the exchange, in my opening up and being myself and believing somewhere deep inside that there isn't anything that I could see or have shown to me that on some level I wouldn't accept or eventually embrace, and not just knowing, but feeling, the way I know the most fundamental aspects of my self and my existence thus far, that there's no cause for fear or pulling away or any other type of denial because it all, already 'is' exactly as it is without me fucking it up with intellectualizing it or creating some kind of distance and- "

D:/ "It's already pure and complete and couldn't be tainted no matter what befell it?"

"Yes, but not just what I saw, but what I revealed, also. That I would be whole and pure and accepted exactly as I am, without judgment, the authentic Me- "

PAUSE

"And, that on this 'other parallel universe' of what is under or the cause of the willingness and the connection, it's the _connection_ that is the making love, so without seeming like I'd be willing to forgo that, which I'm not, I'm just a realist if I'm forced to be, but it kind of already happened on a cosmic level, even if it doesn't happen right now, or yesterday or when we were last on the edge of that manifesting, almost unintentionally- , like a day ago, in the last hotel room, in the last city" I let my sentence trail off.

D:/ "It's the lifting of the veil, of the mortal coil, transcendence, the manifestation is the second act, the first act happens on another plane, before the- "

"Exactly."

PAUSE

"Yeah, the touch, the physical is the expression of what has already occurred, without that, without the connectedness, the physical act is a drive, a human need, relegated to the more base experiences, dare I say anima- "

D:/ "Yes, and, even if I've not heard anyone else I can think of that used this language to describe it, but I'm still pretty pissed off that, the 2nd act, and the third for that matter, are being held outside my grasp, well our grasp."

"Oh, believe me, I hear you, I couldn't agree more. The third, huh? You're getting ahead of me" I laughed.

D:/ "Yeah, the third, that's being denied, too."

"Ok, a question for you" I lean over and stop her, to kiss her, "What's the third?"

D:/ "It's the reflection, after, the looking back on it, even if only two minutes has passed-"

"Afterglow-"

D:/ "Yeah, figures some wordsmith such as yourself, someone who shares that penchant for glorious language, would coin a word specifically for that- " she laughed.

"And, thank god, too, we need those wordsmiths, don't get me started on the language being added to Oxford's dictionary, every year that attempts to remove the eloquent- "

D:/ "Hey, no tangent's off the subject, you're deflecting- "

"Ok, maybe, yeah, there's an exposure here to going to this, to this, depth- "

D:/ "Yeah, but it's me, and having the conversation, putting ourselves in it, in words, takes some of the profound disappointment out of the denial or the delay- "

"The delay, really, you think later- "

D:/ "Yeah, why not?" She adamantly professes. "And sure, I get that I'm in it right now and I can't imagine not feeling it, but why put limitations around a whole infinite, abundant- "

I cut her off, and normally I wouldn't do that except I was overcome, so elated, absolutely profoundly moved that she would even venture to rationally project the possibility- , that I couldn't help myself. I grabbed her and kissed her, and she returned my kiss with her usual willingness and warmth. That kiss morphed into what we are now most familiar with, her slow and purposeful, and I could feel her breath against my mouth, between kisses.

I didn't have to get into tomorrow or next week or even a couple

Februaries from now, because what mattered was what she'd just eluded to, and I was ecstatic.

D:/ "I get it now, why J's got that eagle eye on you, the stakes are significantly higher."

"Yeah, she read it in me, before I even knew it, guess she's familiar with it, and can see it."

We walk for a minute in silence. I begin, not knowing exactly what I'm actually going to say, but here goes.

"I was somewhat, a bit uncomfortable with your teasing, my finely honed skill or practiced technique being a result of my having my way a lot" I quoted. "It's teasing I get it, but- "

D:/ "Wow that's practically verbatim recall-"

"We memorize lines for a living, Fanning, think about it" I smirked. And, then for emphasis, rolled my eyes.

I continued, "And, I get that it's a language thing, you're using conventional, a colloquialism to infer the disparity between the lives we've had based on the time spent on the planet, almost four years when we're both this young is a higher percentage than if we were a decade older, doing the simple math. And, it's occurred to me that it's your way of evening it out, being on your end of it. Your resume is long with opportunities to work with people sooner than similar A-list things came to me, and I was impressed and a little intimidated by that. And I could just be reading it the way it looks to me and you've got a different idea for how and why that was important to bring to my attention."

D:/ "Totally, which is what prompted you to refer to me as 'playing dirty' which you said in jest, but it suggests that you on some level, needed or wanted to defend yourself."

"I did, and we've said it now, because I couldn't bear the idea that you thought those experiences could be compared when this, with you is so much more."

D:/ "Even with the statue mandating- "

"Oh, yes, even with that blasted limitation."

x X x

**DPOV**

LATER

I'm not sure what woke me up, and I didn't care. I had a thought, a continuation of something I'd considered earlier that I didn't dismiss, I just figured that if it was meant to be, I"d find a way to make it happen. I opened my eyes, looking around the high vaulted ceiling of the master with the top to bottom window, one long, tall, huge piece of glass, sans window treatment.

The smaller windows in the same wall were open and although it was March, the heavy Italian comforters kept us warm, more than warm.

When I become completely aware of where I am, I am struck with an idea. It's a bit of a risk but what in this whole crazy scenario hasn't been, right?

K's asleep in my arms, her face pressed into the side of my neck and I don't want to disturb her but I want to know, fairly accurately how close we are to sunrise.

I slip her out of my arms and reach for the Blackberry on the bedside table.

Seems my subconscious has woken me just in time.

I sat up and set my feet on the marble floor. An ancient but exquisite rug is on this side of the king sized bed and I'm glad that I don't have to go far in this semi darkness to find the linen cabinet.

I grab two white cotton flat sheets from the middle shelf and head back to the master suite.

I may go to HELL for what I'm about to do, but, I don't care, I'm a teenager (whose been denied) on a mission.

I set the sheets atop the comforter at the foot of the bed and take a deep breath.

K hasn't moved from the spot she was in when I coaxed her out of my arms, and when I crawl back in, I whisper to her to get back into the spot I moved her out of. She's warm against me and I feel her breathe into my neck. I wait a few minutes to make sure she returns to that deep sleep.

About ten minutes elapse and I'm convinced that I can now implement my plan.

I stroke her back and hear her 'mmmm' at the sensation of my hand on her skin.

"K" I whisper, "are you asleep?"

K:/ "Uh huh" mumbled slowly.

"Ok, well you can stay asleep, Ok?"

K:/ "Uh huh" again.

"Will you do something for Me while you're asleep?" I ask, in an almost inaudible whisper.

K:/ "Uh huh" she mumbles.

I reach for the sleeve of her shirt, the sleeve of the arm she's not laying on.

I pick up her arm, bend it and tell her that she's going to slip it through the arm hole.

"Slip your arm through, you can take this off right?"

K:/ "Mmmm-kay" she mumbles incoherently, as she slips it through and rolls over so her back is to me. Good. One down, one to go.

"Slip it over your head and off your other arm" I coax and she does without really lifting herself from the spot she's in. Her bare back is facing me and I'm instantly taken with the sensation of wanting to rub the palms of my hands and my fingers over the expanse of skin that is before me. I've not seen her back except when she's in strapless after six ensemble, but now I see all the way to the top of her cropped, yoga pants, which are next to come off.

Feeling just a bit cartoon villain all of a sudden, questioning my master plan, Fuck it, she'll be thrilled once she's over the initial shock.

I wait a couple minutes to be sure that she remains in deep sleep.

I sit up and remove my clothes and slide against her back, reveling in the feel of her against my bare chest. Oh, God, maybe this is both the best and worst idea of any I've ever had. Wait, don't second guess, just own and be in it. Gut instinct makes us who we are, don't go 'fraidy cat on yourself now. It'll be fine, I say, in my head, as I talk myself down. A couple deep breaths, and I lean up on my elbow, slipping my hand around her waist, to just at her stomach, oh God, Ummm, why didn't we do this before? is all I can think of, but I still want to coax her out of the bottom half of her sleeping attire.

From my partial prone position, leaning into her ear I say "K, take off these" as I grasp her cropped, yoga pants.

K:/ "mmm" she mumbles as she reaches and slips out of the soft cotton garment, made warm by her body heat.

She's still asleep, I think this is so much easier than I thought it'd be- , and I almost scare myself with what I'm capable of. Oh, well, I gotta get over it.

I let another couple minutes go by, the front of my legs are pressed against the back of hers while I stroke the soft skin of her stomach. Yeah, one more to go, "K, take this off" I say as I slide her hand to the side of her thong, and wait to see if, Yep, that's the last article of clothing that stands between us and full nakedness, and for a split second I hope and pray she's not going to hate me and feel violated when she's aware of this, fully awake.

I can't think about that now, it's done, she undressed and now I want her to turn around. I wait a minute to make sure she doesn't wake up yet.

Then, up on one elbow, leaned down into her ear, "K, turn over, will you?"

It takes a second, but she slowly turns over and I slip my arms around her.

And, oh, Mmmm, this is what I imagined when the thought first popped into my head. Oh, Yes, warm soft skin, the front of warm soft HER, unencumbered by any fabric except these exquisite linens and the comforter. I'm sleepy but wide awake, and now compelled to have to remain awake until she wakes so I can alleviate her concerns, if she indeed, has any. It's a completely different sensation to feel the terrain of all her skin, sans any garments. I wonder if she'll be jealous I thought of this and she didn't. Well, I don't know what she did or didn't think of, just that she didn't convince me to do this while I was asleep. Well, I've been the covert one, the whole 'while she's asleep thing' has been my deal, not hers. I wonder what she did think about doing? Well, that could be an interesting conversation, if she's speaking to me after she wakes up.

So, part two of the plan, do I wake her and we go outside and watch the sunrise on the stretch of private, insanely immaculate, .002%-of-the-known-world-looks-this-beautiful-and-it's-ours-for-a-couple-days beach, or do I wait for her to wake up on her own?

I think about that while I think about the fact that I've just undressed her without her knowledge and almost against her will. I can see the internet headlines now-

Don't think about that, rein in this crazy mind, cranking out all these unnecessary thoughts. She's gonna know that I'm the renegade she believes I am, and probably wish I'd had a few more bouts of restless sleep.

x X x

LATER

I watch the room grow lighter and my anticipation is becoming heightened as I feel her shift in her sleep, the telltale sign of her maybe about to wake.

Her back is to me, and I have the arm I'm not laying on around her waist when I feel her stretch her legs. I loosen my grip and let her slide partially away enough to move her arms over her head and start to full body stretch. Oh God, I love to watch her do that, too bad there are these linens in the way.

Wait for it. Any second now the recognition is pending, she starts to roll toward me, turning into the bed instead toward the ceiling, pulling her face along the doubled, bottom bed sheets and sliding up against me. The arm I'm laying on slips between her head and her shoulder and I'm looking to see if the lack of sleep attire is going to register soon. My mind is going back and forth between best and worst idea ever, when I feel her hands move from around my waist, up my back, almost as if they're searching for something. Then, her eyes open and she looks up at me.

I can't help it, I'm smiling when we make eye contact.

K: / "Anything you uh, want to tell me, Fanning? Oh, anything at all?"

By her demeanor I can tell she's figured it out and is being the best sport about this.

"Me, no, just love that stretch, arched back, and the sound, Mmmm" is all I can say before I burst out laughing.

K:/ "Well, at least you're naked too, right?" she wiggles her eyebrows at Me, "let me check to make sure" she says playfully while running her hands along my sides and up my back, again. The blatant giveaway of her leg between my knees unclothed goes unmentioned, but when she says "I don't seem to feel any fabric on you except these amazing bazillion thread count sheets" and she's smiling.

K:/ "You've been awake, haven't you?"

"Yeah."

K:/ "So this is your handiwork?"

"Yeah."

K:/ "Did you peek?"

"Yeah, but only with my hands, and as much of me as I could get against as much of you, and still keep it out of the MPAA's NC-17" I laughed.

K:/ "And, you've been waiting for me to wake up?"

"Yeah."

K:/ "Pretty satisfied with yourself, are you?"

"Yeah."

K:/ "Well, it's a party, then. Here's to all the good ideas swirling around in that head of yours!" She buries her face in the side of my neck and squeezes me.

"Yeah."

x X x

LATER

I'm tired because I've been awake plotting and then conniving and working the sinister master plan, and then I had to stay awake just to be sure, in case I had to go into full on _"damage control"_ I want to fall back to sleep but I can't get over how immensely bordering on overwhelming the sensation of this is. She's back to sleep, of course and I'm staring at this beautiful vaulted ceiling. I guess this could be my punishment.

x X x

LATER

K:/ "Is this why you went looking for linens as soon as we got here?"

"Yeah."

K:/ "I want to hear this, please, enlighten me, if you would- , And, the extra top sheets?"

"I got inspired, I wanted something different, unique, memorable- , and it came to me, and like how everything that channels through me, I decided to go in the direction of it, even though I was also second guessing myself, at the same time. The top sheets are to wrap ourselves in when we go outside to watch the sunrise, of course."

K:/ "Oh God Babe, you think that everything up to now won't be memorable enough?"

"I want you to remember something other than having to rein in your self control, especially since you've- "

K:/ "Hey, don't finish that sentence- , you even thinking like that is gonna break my heart- "

PAUSE

K:/ "But, it is ironic that you get naked and get me that way, then tell me that you want me to remember something other than self restraint. Wow, do you know the fine art of water boarding, too?" I laughed. She wants to laugh, but seems she can't somehow. Maybe later, she'll find the humor in it that I do.

She looks at me, and I'm not sure if she appreciates how this looks, big picture.

We had revealed, we had gone beyond where we had been, there was no return anymore.

We slept naked again, each successive night in the beach house, albeit carefully. It was just unspoken that the former sleepwear for sleeping at least, would be superfluous for us.

Dressing for bed wasn't any different than before. We'd take turns in the large master bath prepping for bed, retiring in our former attire. Then as soon as we were under the covers, we both slip out of the garments. I didn't question, or even think about it, I just did it first, and then she did, too.

We didn't overtly see each other naked, I don't know why exactly, I liked the innocence of being covered up, with white, stupidly high thread count linens, but with the 'adult' intimacy of being exposed at the same time. And, I also had the idea that something I guessed, would be left for later, cause I was betting on there being a later.

I knew or hoped that before the junket was finished, I'd take her home with me, and although I hadn't asked her yet, I was quite confident her parents would be Ok with it, since my parents would be there. We wouldn't be sleeping naked at my parents house, they're liberal, but not that liberal.


	9. A Surprise I Could've NEVER Anticipated

A/N: The final chapter. The wrap up, themes, tying together loose ends and choosing topics and settings that best represent what I have in my head, has been a challenge. Letting go of My Girls, my beloved KS, DF and of course J and C, has kicked my ass. Letting what the independent film, it's visual narrative and themes, why it moved me so much, and who the principles are that brought this piece of art to life (including Floria, fucking visual genius) letting it teach me what I was meant to see/learn about this mortal coil and my own life and views, that's been a big part of how/why the wrap up has taken so long. And, it's difficult to let go. **_I'm glad that I fought my first impulse to not write it_**. It wouldn't have been as authentic to me if I ignored The Muse, or had obscured their identities. I had to make it real people fiction. KS, DF, Floria and Joan, it just wouldn't have resonated with me the same way if I'd have written them as other people. It's always been my intent to be dignified and I hope that the human, compassionate and artistic aspects that I perceive these creatives embody and attempt to live have been represented here. There may be a 'epilogue' of sorts, it's written. It's backstory about growing up in LA and how/why this piece of art and my compulsion to engage in storytelling was imperative. We'll see. But, for now, the story will not be marked 'complete' even tho' the narrative is done. In reverence to unfortunate events, J lost her Mom in 2010. The references to her in Chap 6 & 9 are an homage to how close Joan has shared they were.

~xXx~

KPOV

I'm waiting for her to wake up. We had been outside watching the sunrise; I got more sleep than she did since she'd been plotting to get me undressed. God, I love her for that, she may never know- , I want to be here when she opens her eyes.

Earlier, I slipped out of her arms to look around the kitchen, making sure there's good coffee. That was my most adamant request, -well, after the seclusion. There's gotta be the makings for not just coffee. Really, really ridiculously good coffee. And real cream. It's one of those things, once I had really good coffee, can't go backwards. Everything else tastes horrible.

And, as much as we try to explain to others what our sleight of hand, Be, Focus, how storytelling lives through us, take after take, day after day, it's the other side now. Knowing it'll be time to access a willingness to let go. I have to do that same hat trick, in a personal way. I get to be in these few days and hours, one more set of events, smiling, dog-and-pony. My affection and energy, everything that I feel when she's even in my sight line can live freely in the charged air and not be questioned or be hidden. It goes with PR and the chemistry and the storyline. It's amazing to be authentic, in the moment. Not just behind closed doors, it's fleeting, though. After that, maybe an extra day, if the parents say Yes before I have to take her home. Then, it's all a crap shoot. And, letting go starts. Not just anticipating letting go, like I've been doing in my head. But, Really Let Go. Open, letting the next '_whatever_' have access to Me. Let the feelings roll through Me. Give the energy an escape, can't let it get trapped. Being willing, saying yes and saying maybe and not try to force anything along a particular path. I loathe the idea of letting it slip through my hands. Memories, wanting to anchor, grasp this like a life line. Because I can't imagine not having it. I'll be remembering what it was like; falling asleep, waking up, with her right here, reaching one of those hands toward me while her eyes search mine. Grasping for me to hold her as she drifts off, or wakes up or laughs or rolls her eyes looking at me skeptically. Which happens quite a bit, actually. She doesn't let me get away with anything, that's for sure. Thank God, too. I need and want people around me that say _No_ and make me my best. Shoot for the moon, the highest, the farthest, whatever stretches and challenges me. I guess I can still have that, not with this proximity, after I take her home. And, whatever happens next, happens.

_Oh sure, I'd love to come over for dinner. And, then I'll just spend the night in your daughter's bed holding her in my arms while she sleeps. Because that's the pinnacle of my intimate existence, in these almost 20 years walking the planet. And, you're both fine with that right? Yeah, cause that's gonna happen. More likely her Dad will want to come at me with an ax-_

Ok, so I had my dystopian, mental rant. It's occurred to me now that I've gotten that little bit of energy out, part of my resistance is anticipating the pain. Is it practical? Maybe I could just admit that I could expect to feel some of that and not borrow into that future scenario until it's actually here. When it is here, I'll know what to do. When I'm working I don't read ahead to scenes that aren't even on the call sheet; I just 'believe' that when it's time to jump off the cliff or swing a guitar around my body thrusting a fist up in the air to mimic someone's signature move, that I'll know, in the moment how it should feel. And my body will follow my intent. The seeing that makes all of this something I can do without thinking will manifest to guide me. It's the without thinking part, it just 'happens'. So, back to where I am right now. Oh yeah, she still hasn't woken up yet. She must be tired. What would one of those asian-mystic-present-moment-voodoo yellow robe people say. Something like 'be here now'. Where am I right now?

I glance around, everything's fine, no pain to be had. Ache, maybe. I'm aching for her to roll over and have her share every bit of that soft, beautiful, naked (thanks to her) body. And, the energy that rises up through her when I touch her and she touches me (dressed), and it's given, albeit, limited expression. She talked me out of my sleepwear but didn't look. Still can't get over that. Concerned I may feel taken advantage of. I guess that's normal, but yeah, let me kick and scream because some incredibly amazing soul wants under my cropped yoga pants and t shirt. Alert the authorities. Criminal violation. But, the sentiment is so pure. Wanting us to feel the exposure, being vulnerable. Yeah, gotta love the grace and creativity that is _who she is. A_nd, why she's good at what we do. Why she brought out my best, when I was on mark, on the opposite side of that archway, in the recording studio or the japan hotel. How immensely different two people's ideas can be, two sides of one scenario. And it was so aptly conveyed in the composition of how those scenes were constructed. Us on opposite sides of a wide doorway, representing the girls' differing, disparate points of view. When I saw the daily for the japan hotel scene, I knew Floria was a genius beyond what she would be credited for. But, back to the sleeping, young creative that rests benignly, completely relaxed, next to me. Because when I was needing to bring it, to become and to be, in front of that 16mm lens, hoisted up on the shoulders of a camera guy, she made me better than I would've been. Because '_The Muse_' lives in her, or she visits. Yeah, I think she lives. It's what we are questioning every time we start something new; sit down, table read. Can I bring it? Will the people working with me bring it? Do they have it? Can they open up for it? Crazy, wild, artistic openness.

~xXx~

LATER

I feel the subtle shift of her breathing and her limbs move, maybe she's finally gonna wake up. She moved slightly, pushing more closely into my side.

D:/ "Mmm, you're awake?"

"Yeah" I say as I glance down and watch her stretch her arms out. She shifts around slightly and then curls back into my side, her top hand slinking across my abdomen, and stroking my hip bone that protrudes when I'm prone.

I stroked her back and listened to her breathing in the foreground. The not so distant waves creating a layered sound effect lulling serenely almost out of earshot. I don't need to say anything, but the world shifts on it's axis, so it seems, now that she's awake. I just want to enjoy the sensation, knowing that she's drifting back and forth between being awake and being asleep. She turns around her back to me, pulling me against her for a few minutes.

~xXx~

LATER

I rolled onto my back, gazing up at the vaulted ceiling. She picked up one of the discarded top sheets from the trek we made outdoors earlier to watch the sunrise. Out of the corner of my eye I glimpse her back to me as she wrapped the sheet around herself. It's hilarious watching her struggling to get out of this massive bed, in the makeshift toga, heading for the palatial bathroom.

When she returned, expertly unraveling from the massive clothe and slipped between the sheets flinging it to the foot of the bed. I reached for her, trying to catch my breath as it was taken away when the sensation of her bare skin, all of it, came in contact with mine.

"Uugghh, oh God, that feels so good. I'm not sure if this is both the best and worst idea simultaneously- "

D:/ "Uh, I know, I was torn, I really was- it was just so- "

PAUSE

She took a deep breath. She's laying 2/3 on me, one arm across my torso, one leg across my leg. She's diplomatic, without our having to bring attention to what are now, redrawn lines for how we can be in bed together, without attire. Absolutely. No. Squirming. Around. Best intentions will be lost to the tides and the wind.

She sits up partially, rising up onto her elbow resting her head on her palm, inconspicuously tucking the top sheet against her chest. She looks into my eyes as she begins.

D:/ "Ok, it was being awake, blame the unsettled sleep. In the late or early I guess, hours is a strange place. And, it's kind of a place, it's almost another dimension, unreal, like what happens then doesn't really have consequence. Like it's almost other worldly. I think probably some of the best and most unconscious of acts of humanness could probably be traced back to a particular time, a brief sliver between deep slumber, unexpected, frustrated, unrequited sleep. When we can sometimes either be supremely inspired or deeply, profoundly flawed."

"Does contact with highly charged, bare skin bring out the philosophical side of you? Cause if so, I'm not moving from this spot until I get you to spill more of that."

D:/ "Well, I'm not saying that I don't have things to say, I do, I have insights and views, I like to engage, sure."

"Well, in case this connection and desire isn't anchored enough, I think I just attached a little deeper."

She smiled at my comment.

D:/ "I watched you sleep. Looking around this expansive space, teetering at the edge of the continent. Overlooking this exquisite body of water. I realized I had been resisting, back during the last city you were inviting me here, I wouldn't even give you an answer- "

PAUSE

D:/ "Knowing everything was wrapping up, and I just couldn't bring myself to think about it. That racing through my mind, I was also thinking about your reveal, how personal it was"

PAUSE

D:/ "And, all together, You, You asleep, here in this 'magical' setting- "

She pauses "And, I wanted something that equaled what you shared."

"Oh, so, I reveal and you take your clothes off? How'd I not know tha'ts how it worked?"

She swatted at me playfully. "In context, it had to be- "

"I know, I'm teasing, but I couldn't get you to talk before, could you just not get a word in, is that it?"

D:/ "Well, there would be some competition if I did this often, yeah. You seem to have a lot to say, but it's authentic to You."

"You indulge me that, I've noticed."

D:/ "It's not indulgence, well I guess sometimes it is" she laughed. "I want you to be yourself, I'll ask for what I want, but you've anticipated everything- " she paused for a second, "I could've wanted- , that I can actually have" She laughed.

"So, go on, I interrupted you."

D:/ "Well, language is one of the ways you navigate the world. How much you have to say, I'm not sure yet all the rich scenarios that encompasses, but it's not a frantic _attention grab. _It's not 'I_'ve been deprived of caring people to hear me'_ . That's not your vibe."

PAUSE

D:/ "Actually, it's kinda funny because I flashed on, what a year ago, sitting at the dining room table at home, the day I said 'yes' to this. And here I am, lounging under double, ridiculously high thread count sheets in a fairy tale setting, being philosophical, because I can't be -"

"Carnal?" I say, meeting her eyes.

D:/ "Yeah, but I'd probably be philosophical anyway, just after the carnal." She laughed.

"Yeah, well let's make sure we take care of the most important things first, right" I laughed.

D:/ "And, you've got a sense of humor about it, without that we'd just have irony, and that weighs too heavy with the uh, being denied. Wouldn't be worth it- " she waited to see if I'd jump in. She seems to be willing to just keep going, and I'm not going to interrupt her. My mind is going all kinds of places, but I restrain myself and just wait and listen.

D:/ "I'm aware that the clock's ticking. We've mentioned it, well you have. I turned away like if I couldn't see you, then I couldn't hear you" she laughed. "But your foresight, being willing to create something better than what the promotions' department would've arranged. And, away from the well meaning but intrusive eyes of those two, the girls, -way better."

"Hey, the shout out goes to your parents for trusting, and as much as I have all the feelings that I have, I still try to see it from their perspective. You're still their baby, even if it couldn't feel farther from what's reality to you."

D:/ "I know, I think about that too. This is aa-mm-aa-zz-ing, by the way, this private home, this property."

"Yeah, is it too much?- ,

D:/ "You mean like ostentatious?"

"Yeah, we needed the seclusion- , if I woke up and cameras were outside, I'd lose my shit, seriously- "

D:/ "Oh, I believe you, don't want to even have to go anywhere near that universe. You're the one they're after. It's more than fine, it's a fuckin' 3-D promotional banner ad for paradise."

_I looked at her. That's the 2nd time she's sworn, and she remarks about me, the swearing and the smoking. Hmmmm?_

"I wanted a different place, something small, quaint, cottages, well, bungalows really- , but would've had to have done that 18 months ago. Wouldn't fly now, it'd be a living N I G H T M A R E !"

D:/ "What were you thinking, Santa Barbara?"

"No, good guess, though. That's too far away from the venues we're expected to get our asses to. I don't want to spend that much of our time together in the back of a sedan. Malibu made the most sense. I've been coming to this area since I was inutero, literally. Zuma, Will Rogers, all the great stuff here. I had no idea what it really was growing up, it was just a beach town to me. I didn't understand the exclusivity 'til much later. -Kanan Dume north cuts through the Santa Monica mountain range, blink and you're in my parents' backyard. Everything that was my life until I started traveling for work, happened right around here. During the summer, Dad's been bringing us here, both my parents really. Occasionally, someone he worked with would invite us over. And I'd get to see Malibu proper. As a guest in someone's beachfront home. But, we always drove over the hill back to the Valley when it was time to go home."

D:/ "Yeah, I don't usually go north of Pepperdine, except for the seafood stand with the tables outside. I love that place. From where we live, off season, Montana Ave., south, cut through 7th street. When there's no traffic. But don't try it in the summer, that'll have me tearing my hair out."

"We can't have that, I love your hair" I said, and ran my fingers through that beautiful head of natural, almost platinum tresses. "Between Topanga and Big Rock is where the bungalows are, it's probably the only commercial couple blocks except for the retail area we passed on the way here. There's a sushi restaurant, and a little store. You can buy like a boogie board or sunscreen. It's crazy. Seen people park on the highway, run across PCH. The speed limit is crazy fast, and all those blind curves. It's out-of-towners I imagine, walking between the homes on the water side to access the private beach, a little farther north."

PAUSE

"Anyway, this little hotel with maybe eight bungalows, water side, quaint, private stretch of beach. Well, not really, private, anyone can walk up from the public beaches and access it. It's not fenced in or anything, but, it's a long walk. But, it's not like the colony. I didn't want to be grandiose, but- "

She pulled me in, quieting me with her lips.

D:/ "I don't think that, I wouldn't think that about you. The grandeur is a little cold- I get what you're saying. But, also there's really no choice about the seclusion anymore. That ship sailed."

"I can't kiss you unless we get dressed, it's too much, I'm not made of steel"

I pull away, noting to myself that the temptation is higher than I have the stamina to resist.

"D, um, I can't, it's too much." I say, taking a deep breath, the energy streaking through me like a spark. I shiver for a brief second. Not lost on her, she sees and feels my body react.

"No tights and cape to ward off the kryptonite that is your allure, and willingness. And all of it together- it's been keeping me precariously balanced struggling to manage my control."

D:/ "Well, let's make some coffee, then, how's that?"

"Excellent call, I'd love some coffee."

We grabbed the discarded top sheets from the end of the massive bed and made our way into the architectural digest kitchen.

~xXx~

LATER

**DPOV**

We had to get outta that huge bed, and get dressed. I had to kiss her, it had been too long. Her bare skin and how it feels and all that was great. And, it will be again, but I have to kiss her and well, naked in that huge bed- , not the best idea.

"Let's go outside for a little while- " I offer after we've had coffee and taken turns getting dressed.

Later, we're walking on the beach, it's somewhat early and quite foggy. Only the nearest edge of the water is visible. I'm torn between wanting the quiet and knowing that there's a limited amount of time to be able to talk alone, face to face.

A few more steps, and she asks.

K:/ "So, what about you, your Mom, what's that like? Is it warm, easy?"

"Yeah, but it's different than it was, not less warm, it's, we've kinda figured each other out."

We take a few steps in the wet sand at the water's edge.

"I don't go to her for direction as much. And, probably not about the things she wished I would."

K:/ "You wanting to do things for yourself- ,

"Yeah, this time of my life, my independence- It's part of it, you've been here, where I am." She makes eye contact with me, searching my eyes as if she could see the next thing I'm going to say.

"Mostly, the last year or two, I wanted my life to move forward. She's been good about letting me do that, even if she may've wanted it to go differently. Probably wanted me to include her more or lean on her, or whatever."

K:/ "You got a sister- "

"There's one right behind Me, they'll have that. I can see the makings of it now. Wasn't meant for Me, not authentically, anyway. I could've indulged her- " she laughed.

"So, the bond?"

D:/ "Well, there's a bond, and I probably could've tried harder, she would've liked that. But, I felt compelled to do things myself, on my own. And, we have a bond, sure but it doesn't ignite me from the inside. Not like yours with your Dad. I don't have that with him, either. But the expectation that I would or might isn't there. So, he's seems satisfied with what we have."

"And, how is what you have?"

D:/ "It's kinda typical, I think. Seems girls learn about the world, about men from their fathers. Even if they have brothers, which I don't. Dad brings a world view, Mom brings a personal influence. That's probably the easiest way to describe it. She reads scripts with me, that's the biggest commonality that we have. We look at the opportunity to do this as a connection to the 'art' of it. Dad looks more at the business side. He does bring his own artistic view, on some of it. Not as consistently as my Mom, though. But, he's busier, she has more time. It may be a little more difficult for him. Men feel differently about their daughters. But, yeah, I have both of them, their influence and guidance, I guess, comes to me in those ways. Which I wouldn't have been able to pinpoint until I mentioned the other stuff. That's it, short version."

"I guess that's a big part of being, of living and experiencing is having expression for what we feel while we're in it. I realize not everyone has that. And, as limited as it feels sometimes, or I've felt with the 'effed up' statutes that dictate how we get to have this, you and I. I am grateful that I can say what I think in the moment, and you hear me. And, the things I choose not to say."

K: "Yeah, me too. I definitely talk more than you do, but your vibe is open. Your whole personae is open to me. And, you touch a lot, which I absolutely L O V E, " , she says as she pulls me closer to her while trudging through the sand.

I smiled, and could feel emotion rising up in me.

"Yeah, and, I think that's what's different about me, -some of the characters I've played. When I've found that feeling of _damaged_ because the character was broken in some profound way. That was what was usually at the center. Seems they had been denied not just the basic love, care, nurturing, but the expression of how it felt, to live through that. To be denied their voice on top of everything else. And, meaningful exchanges with engaged people and connection to them."

K:/ "Not being allowed expression, huge part of the nightmare."

"I had to reach to 'feel' what that would be like because I haven't been denied. Well, not until now." I laughed.

K:/ "Yeah, it was something that I didn't understand until it came across to me, mostly in storytelling. I saw that people were denied what I had. Not being given access to choosing, or the freedom to say or not say. At home, my parent's always let us comment, editorialize, even if we eventually had to give in. We were allowed a voice. Though ultimately overruled."

"As crazy a leap as it may be to make, notoriety or recognition is it's own kind of exclusion. This idea that if someone becomes recognizable, it's Ok to deny them their privacy. That trade off I don't understand at all."

K:/ "Don't get me started, it's killing me. I struggle with it so much. And, it makes this more difficult. I'd be so much more willing to break the rules, let us have what our God given desires are entitled to, like any two people. Except for being under the microscope 24/seven."

All of a sudden, pure unadulterated desire arose in me, and I could feel, almost palatable, how much I wanted her. I realize just now that I've not told her, directly, how I feel. She's alluded to her desire, how she feels, just now and I let it pass. I'll have to find a way to tell her, during this, while it's fresh and part of how we are while we have this window. God knows what it'll be like when we're together again working. At least that one big press commitment that's looming. I'll have to share her with all those other people. It won't be like this has been, her and I. It'll be her and them. I'll be on the outside.

A few minutes walking in silence and we settle in to the dry portion of the sand about six or so feet from the highest water mark. I'm not a fan of sea gulls, but there's a group of sand pipers running along the edge of the water. She points, and I follow the end of her arm to the scampering birds. Their round bodies and twig like legs, make her laugh.

K:/ "Those are great, watch how they walk. They look like snowmen-"

"If snowmen were birds, living at the beach?"

She gives me that you're being a _smart ass_ look. She brushes it off and is practically squealing, for whatever reason.  
K:/ "I love them, it's random, sometimes they're around and sometimes they're not. Like a migration pattern or when they hatch or whatever. But, it's always amazing when by chance we're here at the same time."

Her face was lit up, genuine and spontaneous in the moment. And, I'm caught in the emotion of all of it. My desire and being so acutely aware of it- this setting, her sudden burst of joy. Witnessing the connection she feels to the natural world. To get to see it with her.

K:/ "What, what's that look?" she queries, meeting my eyes.

I scramble, not quite sure how to show her what this brief couple minutes collectively has elicited in me. I back down in my head and go for the safe and easily explainable.

"It's the word, hatch. Isn't it strange, hatch? An egg? All of a sudden just now, the word and the concept together sound really strange. Even though there's nothing about it that is out of the ordinary. But, the word and it's meaning feel almost like I've never heard them before."

K:/ "Yeah, words and concepts can be like that. Sometimes, something familiar can feel so abstract and foreign. For no reason, it just does. Then it passes."

We sit not needing to say anything, letting the majesty of the surroundings envelop us. I'm aware that I want to say certain things, mostly how I feel, what being here with her means to me. I feel like I have to do that soon, because I don't know, neither of us do, what happens after I go home. But, right this second, I can't.

The waves, the wind and the soon to be spring sun, it's all almost too much. I've been trying to read how much quiet to take, and still have the time we have to share, most of which we share by talking. Opportunities to see each other in varied circumstances isn't likely just now. We're tethered to this schedule and these destinations and when it's done, well it's back to our other lives.

She's not saying anything. She's likes quiet, especially while outdoors but she also has a lot of words, too. So it's a guess, I have to guess. I shift around, and she slides her arms tighter around me.

I wait for a few minutes enjoying how it feels to lay back against her in this idyllic setting.

I turn around and catch her eyes. I smile and lean in to kiss her. It feels like I haven't done that for weeks, even if it's only been a couple hours. I didn't want to rush the waking up naked, hoping to savor that. Will it happen again? Don't know, I don't want to get ahead of myself.

It's somewhat awkward to kiss sitting like this so I move until I can crawl up and straddle her lap. She's leaning back on her arms outstretched behind her.

"Mmmm, better, I have to do this, or I'll lose my mind" I say as I feel the softness of her mouth. How it makes me crazy with want as I meet the tip of her tongue with mine. "Can't have you this close and not kiss you- , that's the down side of the naked- " She snakes her hand around my side to my lower back, pulling me flush against her while we kiss.

K:/ "There's a down side to naked, say it isn't true" she says.

I laughed.

"Challenge, a challenge, is that better?"

K:/ "Yeah, challenge is better."

She's meeting my lips, mouth, tongue and I realize how much I've missed kissing her since we've been cautious while being undressed.

"Can I touch you?"

K:/ "Yes" She says without any hesitation.

I sit up for a second, meeting her eyes before I change the position of my hands. Her eyes, warm and searching mine. Her openness radiating as a sparkling flash in response to my question.

She's leaning back on both her palms, her arms straight behind her, her torso open to me. I reach for the middle of her chest laying my palm flat, feeling her heart thundering under my touch. I watch as her eyes leave mine and follow my hand to her chest. A smile breaks out on her face.

"Your hearts beating so fast- " I say keeping her eyes locked with mine, caught up in the energy of how it feels to experience the power my touch involuntarily has over how her body reacts to me. She smiles, but doesn't admit anything specific.

K:/ "Yeah, my minds going even faster -, it's five miles ahead at least of where my body is right now- "

I'm caught I want to kiss her, but I also want to see into her eyes. I can't do both, I can only jump back and forth. I take one more long look and lean in, not moving my hand, yet.

We kiss, and if it was possible for her heart rate to increase, it has. Thumping wildly under my hand.

"Mmmm, K, God, this is, it's heaven and it's torture to hold back- "

We move our lips and tongues, her mouth it's purposeful, synchronistic in it's movement. Her technique, an art form and I'm burning from the sensation. I've purposely not said - , before, but, ugh.

"Mmmm, your mouth- , the way you kiss - "

She's balanced between a passive position of leaning back on her palms but assertively engaging my mouth, lips and tongue. It's an incongruent mix my mind doesn't know what to do with.

"Tell me- ," I say "tell me what you'd do if you could do anything- "

K:/ "Are you- "

But she can't get the sentence out because I've put my lips against hers, hoping that she'll forget the query and seamlessly make the leap.

"Yes" I say without missing a beat. "your precious words" slowly and purposefully as my breath covers her mouth, my lips and tongue engaging hers.

"-as little or as much- " I laugh, "or just, show Me what you'd do- , you want to, don't you?"

K:/ "Yeah, cause I was going to make you ask twice" she laughs, ironically.

Instantly I am flooded with a slew of imagery and sensations. It's almost a trick, I guess because with her hands supporting her body weight behind her, she can't touch me. So it's more of a set up than a plausible request. I don't care, I just want to hear the words while I kiss her.

She begins, understanding what this is and completely alight with desire.

K:/ "I would keep as much of your skin in contact with as much of my skin, while kissing you" she says. Her beautiful, sensuous mouth, against me while the words emerge somewhat broken up.

"Like this" I say as I move my hand from the center of her chest to bring both of them along the length of her arms and shift my weight to a sitting position atop her outstretched legs.

I balance my weight in my hips and torso, resting partially on the heels of my shoes. She seems to like this shift.

K:/ "Mmmm, yeah, that beautiful, temptress body 'Kota, what's going on in that head of yours?"

"Probably not so much about my head- , I want to touch you, while I hear how you'd touch Me, if you- " but I can't finish my sentence as she's kissing me, obviously liking the idea I've proposed.

And, with purposeful motion she's a smooth, an effortless combination of lips and hands. Having shifted forward she looks into my eyes without saying anything, but while she's looking in my eyes her hand is making it's way to my finger tips. Grasping the tips of her fingers between my finger tips, she brings them to her lips and lightly kisses them. She almost takes them into her mouth, but not quite. The tingling sensation of her lips against the nerve endings of my fingers sent the equivalent of lightning bolts through me. I shivered and tensed up all my muscles trying to manage the sensation. I never fully understood when I saw people do that, why they did that until just now. Yeah, I've had some instances when, a script called for me to do some things that I haven't done, as me, in my 3-D life. And, not with who I would choose to do those things. So, I'm blown away at how it feels to have her lips awakening the nerve endings of my finger tips.

"Oh God, mmmm, that's just cruel. Cruel and unusual. Torture. Someone's got a hold of Me and I, uh, that feels almost like too much to take." I whisper. Not wanting to, but the words escape me against my will.

She's not heard these words or me withdraw from her, at all. I've been coy, covert about my feelings and my desire. I've pushed not withdrawn. Now, my desire, how it manifests, and previously, I've teased her about her desire, making fun of her 'pacing'. Yeah, I've not been fair. Payback's a bitch.

K:/ "Babe, really?" She looks in my eyes, a mix of curiosity, compassion and disappointment. She holds my gaze while still grasping my finger tips.

"Mmmm, what I usually think of as my ability to manage how you feel, how this feels, It's Gone. Seeing you do that, while feeling that. Your -, the tips of my fingers, Uh Oh" -I laugh, my head rolling back.

(Awkward PAUSE)

"It's too much, I can't- It's, it's all piled up, the cumulative, the rev up and pull back without, Well, you know. Over time, over and over again- "

I shake my head and I want to get up, off of her and out of the sand. She isn't holding me down, but she's not moving or making it any easier to extract myself. She looks hurt but resolved, a kind of understanding.

K:/ "Yeah, Ok, I get it. We've been here before. I didn't realize it'd accelerated so fast, I was just- "

"Hey, Oh God, K, it's beautiful, it's perfect. It's you being You, in all your spontaneous, wonderful, passionate- "

I realize now this isn't about just the desire, the physical and the limitations clashing. I've not told her how I feel because I haven't let my guard down to reveal. The way she has revealed with me.

She still isn't buying what I'm trying to sell. But, she has the patience of an adult and someone who wants to genuinely understand what I am trying to express.

I push forward, and roll back on my heels with momentum that allows me to stand up without using my hands. I reach down and take her outstretched hand and pull her up. I slip my arms around her neck and she pulls me flush against her.

My body is betraying me, as my emotions, everything I'm feeling starts to rise up through me. I'm struggling to hold back, I don't want to cry. I just want to say how it feels, all these emotions mixed together.

She stands holding me, waiting. It's now or never I guess.

"It's a lot of things, hitting me in the moment, like a freight train. Before, when I've said, it hits me, but all of it hits Me, it's happening again. Now it's Exponentially." That's all I can pull together without what reserve I can hold onto crashing down. I am shaking slightly in an attempt to not cry.

She's been here before, with me. Our roles reversed. She instantly knows what the chasm is I'm trying to bridge. She pulls me closer whispering in my ear.

K:/ "I know, it sucks and it blows, and I want to just forget about how we've had to Be- , I get it, I do"

It's quiet for a few minutes. I just stand there in her arms while the waves continue their constant motion. The crashing surf has become the soundtrack of this time we've had together in this majestic setting. I don't know if I'll ever be able to hear the ocean and not think of now, this second and how she feels holding me. The suns goes in and out behind the cloud formations and birds fly overhead. Out of the direct sunlight, it feels chilly. I pull away for a second, meet her eyes and guide her in the direction of the property. "Let's go back inside, I'm cold" I say as we turn in the sand and begin to walk.

~xXx~

LATER

KPOV

We figured out how to start a fire in the fireplace, and were playing around on a huge, square sofa. We wrestled, taking turns seeing who could out maneuver the other. She had won the last round and was balanced on top of me, defending some of her more questionable actions of late.

D:/ "To be fair, you undressed yourself"

"Under your subliminal stage direction"

D:/ "Allegedly. And, a minor point. One person is not responsible for what another person does of their own free will" She laughed and winked at me.

"Maybe I'll just mention your illicit behavior over dinner, while you're at my parents house" I threatened, teasingly.

D:/ "Your parents are pretty liberal. They probably expect at least that much from someone you bring home" she winked and started to roll off me, and reaching for the throw that we pushed over to one side.

"Hey, that's so not fair. That statement is heresay. Completely unsubstantiated. I demand proof, proof of such allegations" I shout, laughing, trying to wrangle the throw away from her.

We're caught for a minute upright on our knees. The throw like a rope in a tug of war between us.

"Actually, I was really quite taken. The boldness of that little stunt of yours, and the sentiment. Not to mention, -Sexiest Idea Ever."

D:/ "Well" she blushed, meeting my eyes and smiled. "You've been pretty amazing yourself. Effortless, it seems, saying how you feel. You don't hold back."

PAUSE

"I'm in it, I've really only held back because, I felt like you should initiate. And, I didn't want to go too far- " I laughed, dropping the throw and crawling over to close the gap between us.

D:/ "Hey, even if this was just physical attraction with really good timing, that'd still be pretty rare."

"I know, right."

D:/ "And, I'd been struck before, how wild it is that someone completely drops their defenses and sleeps next to someone else."

"I thought about that too, when I've watched you sleep. It's different being invested. I hope you reach a deep state, because that's more satisfying, the deeper it is." I met her eyes.

"What?" I say, she's smirking, a knowing look.

D:/ "Was that metaphor?"

"What? No. Well, maybe. Not consciously, could be, I guess" I laughed. "Wow, even this isn't difficult enough as it is" I laughed.

D:/ "But, it's in the water boarding guideline, not to be confused with the water boarding style guide." She laughed. Ok, she'd gotten my humor, she's throwing it back at me now.

~xXx~

LATER

KPOV

"Well, I haven't seen the clip, so I don't know if it resonates on my face or not but I was putting two and two together, right then, in THAT moment."

D:/ "Crazy, the world has a look in while you're having a profound realization. That for anyone else would be private. It's twenty seconds of footage out there, floating somewhere."

"Yeah, this is my life, isn't that just beyond what a person could fathom?"

"The words and the feeling just matched up, when I was talking about how I access, how it works for me. But, in the same breath, I was also talking about how this feels. And, later when you revealed, and wanted me to reveal, and I hesitated."

PAUSE

I look up and she has all this warmth and compassion in her eyes. I can feel how open she is to me right now, unlike a couple hours before, when I had bumped up against her 'edges'.

"I felt like such a fraud. Then I was hit with the realization, and figured, what's the point of any of it, if I'm not in it. You don't talk as much as I do, but your vibe is open. J had said something to me before and it was the most encouraging she could be, with all her policing. She said "Make sure she knows you're in, that she can feel it" and that was a big deal for her to step out of her cautionary point of view, and say that- "

D:/ "You said it's retrospective, to let go and just live it, I'm paraphrasing, -I didn't commit to memory if you're going to measure that against when you've quoted me verbatim" She laughed.

"And later when we were alone we had the reveal, because it started with that comment, and I told you, well, you know. How'd we get on this topic, it's a little embarrassing."

D:/ "So, what was that while we were watching the decorating, you wanting to say- "

"Yeah, there was a couple things going on. Being face to face in the reality of being handcuffed. And, -if one person reveals, sometimes there's an implied almost hypnotic suggestion, an expectation, the other person has to reveal. Revelation has to be willing, spontaneous. The only way I could really tie it all together was to just go directly to what Joan knows about Me."

PAUSE

"And, I was having satori, too, that always brings me right to my edges, but in a good way. So, yeah, my emotions were up."

D:/ "That makes more sense, since I had brought up that I was reeling from the scrutiny and typecasting, that was difficult for me- "

"We're not about drama or having to prove anything, -you're yourself, no agenda- "

PAUSE

"The girls can't help it, they took it well, ultimately they want connection. Personalities are a challenge, and they want you to express yourself, it is important to them."

~xXx~

LATER

DPOV

It's louder than usual, or it seems that way. Maybe I just feel different because I'm home. I like the hometown event. We're in front of the step n' repeat banner, chatting.

"Well, first- "

PAUSE

I looked up into a sea of cameras, thirty feet across and three bodies deep.

"The excruciatingly inaccurate misperception taken as gospel" I indicated that we'd be turning to my left. Cherie was aware and moved effortlessly at the signal I was giving with my hand at the small of her back.

I continued.

"- and Kris, she twisted in the wind over it. Really harshed the mellow. You know, she's real. It just seemed like both of you were so unrelenting."

I paused and we shifted the other direction. Smiling while I'm saying this, feeling the incongruence of the words, mixed with the happy expressions. I'm somewhat uncomfortable, but I don't know if I'll get the chance if I don't take it now.

"Then it was under the microscope, every breath, movement and so it was still this annoying, hyper focus. But, that still wasn't the most difficult part."

Cherie's at my side, waiting for the next thing I'm going to say. I don't know how we got on this topic, in this chaotic setting, but here we are.

I catch a signal off to my right, and we both turn once left, once right.

"I think the kicker was, I was hoping that you'd talk to me"

PAUSE  
"If you had concerns- "

I leaned in, almost shouting over the noise. She's used to loud noise, having had to make herself heard over live music. Even if it's been a while since she's experienced fronting a band. She's right back in the chaos, acclimated again.

C:/ "-I was aiming for- "

Because she paused I didn't realize I cut her off when I continued.

"Seems more like it was almost as a joke or a throw away. Maybe all the way around it's new, It feels really personal. Kris is aware of how I am, she's with me almost 24|7"

Cherie looked at me, taking it all in.

D:/ "I didn't know what to think, and I resented it, to be honest."

Cherie pondered what I had said, and I looked to my right and I was getting the signal to move along the press line. I motion for us to pivot and Cherie leaned in and whispered.

C:/ "We were winging it. I've not been in that situation before. God know Joan's better at subtlety than I am. You're my kid's age, but at the same time, I see myself from then, from that time. It's crazy, I couldn't get my head around it."

PAUSE

C:/ "There's a bit more of this that may fill in the gap, we haven't mentioned. We'll see you after this, you two are around later, right?"

"Yeah, we're here all night, 'til it's done."

C:/ "You're a good sport, and I couldn't have asked for any of this to be more amazing than it was. It was perfect. But it looks like handlers are wanting me to move along the press line. I'll catch up with you later." I felt her hand double clutch at my waist before she let go and walked off. I straightened up, having been leaned over while we were talking. I am looking into a sea of lenses thinking about being in all of it; the last night of filming, each destination city and now home. Which means, we're almost done.

~xXx~

LATER

Standing, being photographed, then sitting being photographed. Next, walking under an enclosed, tarped thoroughfare connecting the theater's exit and an entrance to a small, exclusive restaurant/after hours bar. We're in the heart of everything that's iconic about this business, this town. And, I realize, I'm never here unless I'm working, like tonight. The evening flies by, Dakota right beside me, some subtle affection or touch always keeping me connected to her. We're smiling, talking, food and drinks are served and now were sitting again. Seems before I can even get a grasp on how it all feels, the venue is emptying as the guest-list-only crowd is slowly thinning out.

The girls may be bordering on a mea culpa, or it seemed to be leaning in that direction. If anything even close to that was gonna happen, it'd more than likely be now.

J:/ "Yeah, we gave you both a lot of grief. But, hey, you're tough right, you can take it." Her teasing, the irony being that we don't appear that way. She knows it is in no way true.

K:/ "You're messing with me, I get it. Don't worry about it, I know the subtext of an apology when I hear one. Mea, Mea Culpa, party of one, your table is ready." she laughed. Joan just looked at her.

"Maybe she doesn't know what mea culpa is?" we laughed.

Then the girls both laughed. They looked at each other, -their demeanors soft and open. Rolling their eyes letting us have our high school, latin, inside joke.

J:/ "These two smart asses."

PAUSE

J:/ "This one's" her thumb pointing in my direction "still burned about the scruntiny"

C:/ "Hey, we can take a joke, sure. And, that other thing, it's just something adults do, -being the adults that are around. Sure, we were there to authenticate the story- "

J:/ "-accurate look and feel"

C:/ "-it reflected the events, the themes of what our story is. But, I think I speak for any cognizant adult. I'd want a caring someone in proximity to my kid to watch out for them if I wasn't there." She shook her head and laughed, deep, peppered with a lean toward a heaviness I haven't heard up to now. She looked over at Joan, paused for a minute but the words wouldn't come.

Joan saw the look on her face, reading it, nothing else was necessary.

J:/ "We get it, we do, and you've been patient, more so than I'd expect" she says looking at D. Then she looked back at Cherie who seemed to not be ready to finish her sentence, yet.

J:/ "But what she's getting at is, this is, it's adult subject matter- "

PAUSE

J:/ "It's not a fairy tale. It's real world, a charged atmosphere. We weren't telling '_a long time ago, in a far away land'_' – you know"

C:/ "And, it was watershed for you, more adult than any previous project" she said looking at me.

J: "And, what she's not so subtly saying is- "

She paused, ran a hand across Cherie's back in a brief but comforting motion.

J:/ "Events of her life would've been different if someone would've been around to watch out for her"

We looked at each other. That had always been in the back of my mind, I just didn't articulate it. Caught up as I was in my own feelings of how stifling all their caution felt.

C:/ "-and, watching out in this case is also about perception- not the intention of either of you" she qualified.

"Yeah, I think we both thought of that." I said, meeting K's eyes as she nodded in agreement.

C:/ "Personally, I don't care if you do it - "

J:/ "Honey, really! -a little self editing" she laughed exasperatedly, "You're really gonna embarrass that one- " Joan flips her thumb towards my side of the table.

Sure enough, I could feel heat rising in my face.

"No, it's Ok, I get it. It just sounds strange out loud. We haven't even said it, -like that. K meets my eyes.

K:/ "Uh. No." She looks self conscious all of a sudden.

J:/ "Sorry, I'm just saying, it's not personal. It's the perception, it can be just as difficult- , in the cross hairs"

K:/ "Yeah, I know, an inquiry can start trouble- " She doesn't finish her sentence.

J:/ "Some ambitious ADA, out to prove that a person of notoriety doesn't get special treatment?" She shook her head, "After you're home, with your parents again, it'll be up to them. But, I still don't want even then, want to see either of you weather any kind of perception problems. When what this is- , is meaningful, real."

We all just let the words hang in the air for a minute not saying anything. Cherie looked visibly relieved. I was glad to see that.

C:/ "Intentions are all fine and good. Reality, well, depending on the pairing, kissing, hands- , can be the whole thing. Quickly, effortlessly, completely-, it accelerates and gets away from us, F A S T - "

I feel myself going 8 shades of red again, not lost on the Cherie who looks at Joan.

C: / "Whataya wanna bet- " she says in Joan's direction, catching her eyes, "they know exactly what I'm referring to"

PAUSE

"Yeah, been there, caught that- "

K:/ "just at the last second" she says, laughing.

"Twice" I say, spontaneously.

K:/ "Ok, we get it, you both know what you're talking about"

They looked at both of us, as we lifted our hands palms up and shrug our shoulders in the 'what can I say' gesture while the girls gave us a knowing look.

C:/ "We may've gone a bit too far, that you'd- , it's just seeing my history slightly fictionalized being lived by two people as art- "

J:/ "-and in real time- "

Cherie laughed looking at us.

J:/ "It's fuckin' wild- "

C:/ "You're a public person, one day your story might get told. You may find out what this feels like" she said, looking directly at Me. That's where the connect is for her. Her wisdom, the decades she's been alive. Created, managed, sobered up, parented. And risked. While seeking connection. One succinct sentence while being warm and compassionate. She can nail it, sometimes.

"Yeah, it's possible, I don't think about it" I say, meeting her eyes, and it's confirmed that what K has with Joan, she also has with Cherie.

J:/ "Each time we sit through one of these screenings, I see the fine distinctions. Collaborating is challenging. I learned a big lesson that the average person on balance may not comprehend. We had a look and feel, a meeting of the minds among a group of people over four years. A record deal, a tour that took us around the world. We opened for some of the biggest bands of the time. People said we failed when the band broke up."

C: / "That's the black/white, us/them thinking that the culture teaches us. Creativity doesn't thrive like that."

J:/ "I was reeling, disappointed, lonely, angry, so many different things. I had gotten used to our being in each other's lives every day. Our personal relationship aside, I missed her. I missed what made our relationship OURS, the bond. It was gone when she left to do what she needed to do."

C:/ "And, at first we see, hear and feel what others say and project onto us- "Yeah a girl band? Not gonna work. -See it failed"

J:/ "And we're heartbroken and can't step out of what we feel. Some days the short view, breaks us. But when we have our bearings again, thinking bigger is our saving grace."

C:/ "We summon that up one more time and we use it to look at different types of success with another perspective."

J:/ "It transcends 'Did the band stay together'?"

PAUSE

J: "You both did this here, in front of us, while we warned."

C:/ "You decided you were up for it, have what there is to have, in the moment"

J:/ "Apparently right up to edge- "

C:/ "You made your own choice, to trust yourselves enough, -thats courage."

J: "We did that -live what we felt, I found relief and freedom- "

C:/ "We, -we were- just in it"

D:/ "And, again, all the parallels- "

C:/ "We've laughed about this already, right?"

D:/ "Yeah, -seems though, it may have been a completely different choice for you if Joan wasn't there- , You saying yes, going forward?"

C:/ "Yeah, and timing, definitely, -she was the reason I did a lot of things. Maybe not first go round- " She laughed, "Creatively, definitely. I had a Muse, I didn't know that's what it was called. But an inspiration, and a collaborator- "

J:/ "The band breaking up was a parallel to what was going on between us, and visually, subtly portrayed in the film- I liked how that was depicted, the parallels were spot on- "

C:/ "It captured what I was looking for, and how she had to endure being exposed to more than she wanted to- "

J:/ "Yeah, I was right back there in it, -seventeen and in love. It was expected at that time -to feel all that emotion"

C:/ "Somedays, you're still both those things"

J:/ "Seventeen and in love? Sure, -Yeah, you too!"

C:/ "I hope so" she laughed.

They look at each other, while K and I roll our eyes overtly, just to give them crap. They see us, and feign being shocked and offended. We all laugh.

A minute elapses and it's quiet. Obviously caught up in the realization of how close it is to all being over. We may chat, or text or run into each other. But, more likely than not, this is the end of something that's meant a lot to all of us.

J:/ "If I'm lucky I'm not done convincing her to still try things either- " Three of us look at each other. That's a conversation, for maybe later I think." Joan says cryptically, looking in our direction.

"I wanna smoke, go with me?" Kris says, sliding toward the end of the leather seating.

J:/ "Sure, lead the way."

"Hey" she says meeting my eyes "You want anything while I'm up, another sparkling whatever w/ lime?"

"No, just you" I said.

I laughed and shook my head. She had to take a double step to catch up heading in the direction of the patio exit sign.

KPOV

At the venue's side door, security giving us a once over. We smile and I let this bouncer type man who looks like he takes this seriously see the cigarette in my hand. He nods. We make our way to the sidewalk and stand over the venue's name illuminated on the concrete. Our presence doesn't seem to cast a shadow. I'm confused how this is being done.

"That's a cool effect" I say looking down. I look up momentarily but can't see how they've managed to project a beam onto the concrete. A mechanism, a box or configuration isn't visible.

"I'll have to ask my Dad if he knows how they do this" I say as Joan glances from the ground to the building facade just over the entrance way. We're both looking, can't see the source of the beam.

"You, were saying- " I bring us back to where our conversation had been interrupted.

J:/ "Yeah, I want her to try something- , something I've done. That brought me to another level. I've mentioned it before."

"You've been looking back through this lens- "

J:/ "It's been good for her, good for us. But, it's over, almost. And, she'll be in her feelings about it being done. I think it'll be easier if I have her alone. Without distractions."

"So, getting her to unplug?" I query.

J:/ "Oh yeah, no technology and away from the parenting, for a couple days- "

"Well, you can see it, because you know her so well."

J:/ "Yeah, she's who she's always been. And, I did mine. It wasn't easy, but the loop didn't close until I did it. Don't get me wrong, what she's done, I'm proud of her. And, we have options, I don't know if maybe we'll collaborate again- "

"Is that metaphor?" I laughed.

J:/ "Yeah, smart ass, whatever thrills you the most. I can play this game too, by the way- " she laughed, making eye contact with me. And, then the moment passed, and she looked like she did the first time we met. Her eyes shone with a glint of reminiscence. A long night sitting on the tiled floor of a hotel bathroom. We didn't know we'd have any commonality at all. Just a bit of commonality, some unfamiliarity. Two creatives, with nothing to prove.

"Don't get me wrong you're whip fucking smart, we'll throw down, if you want- "

She looked away, laughing-

I held up my hands in surrender.

"Hey, just kidding, really- , you both have been vague and that's fine, I don't care. It makes no difference to me, either way. You've been watching me so closely, I can't tell if it's because you're getting your way, or you're not" I said, laughing. She doesn't register any emotion. I can't even tell if she's annoyed that I'm teasing her.

"I know what it's like to be scrutinized, I don't want to create that uncomfortable scenario for anyone else. I got an eyeful when I dropped by your suite, unannounced, so- "

J:/ "Yeah, I heard about that. She's not shy about that kinda thing- "

Her eyes met mine but she doesn't elaborate. We've both been here, protecting our privacy. And the people we are private with. Even if it's not necessary, it's reflex.

PAUSE

"We got off track" she began.

"Tell me where you're going with this- "

J:/ "This is the most time we've spent together in, well, quite a while. And, family is important to her and mine is to me, She's the most _'resolved_ of all her family, and that can be difficult. It can be great, the insight and whatever. But it can be a huge challenge, to be the only one with that kind of perspective and patience. It can be EXHAUSTING. It helps to get some objectivity around those ties. The challenges of the present and the past can blend together. Before we can lay some of that old stuff down. Shed our skin."

"So talking, with a professional?"

J:/ "It's the refined last step of all this. A clarity that depending on what someone's background is, can be the only real, last, needed effort. I'd like to see her consider it, at least. It may not happen right away, but I want to plant the seed. It's a commitment, an unraveling. People need to be supported while they're in it. It's bigger than what it may appear to be on the surface. I've mentioned it in passing already, and she didn't say no. But, she wasn't ready just then, either."

"So, you'll help her see""

J:/ "I hope so, but it's more than that. A couple relaxing days strung together when she doesn't have anything she has to do. Just hang and chill. We've really enjoyed this. It's what we talk about when we're winding down at the end of these long days. After panels, and press are complete. Between flights and back seats of hired cars. With this over with- she's gonna have a hard time letting go, -that's it's own challenge. Maybe considering another opportunity, making a plan for the next thing. I think the timing might be right. Even just to consider it."

She paused for a minute and looked like she was contemplating saying something but had changed her mind just before the words emerged.

J:/ "We've been alone, which is great, but we've been working- , it's work, I don't have to tell you. I want tranquility, some nature and time. I've got a hotel in mind, near the water, we can run, spa, relax, all that."

She smiled.

PAUSE

J:/ "The best sleep I've ever had is unplugged, when I can turn my mind off. A great massage after a long work out. Nothing like those elements all brought together."

"And, to be able to have that with someone- "

J:/ "Yeah, it's squared when we share that with someone that we have a familiarity with, sure."

PAUSE

J:/ "I think she'll be more receptive to thinking about it, at least get the conversation started"

"You have been talking her into things, since she was 15- "

J:/ "Depending on who you ask. She talked me into some things, too. Don't put it all on me. She can be quite convincing" she laughed.

I looked away for a second, then looked back.

I am going to miss this. I look up and one long glance at the dark night's, early morning stars, one deep breath-. It's the end, and I feel it in my body. The realization has a depth, a weight. I envy sometimes, people who don't move from project to project. Don't have to keep letting go, over and over again.

We head inside, back to the tables and sit down.

D:/ "Hey" she says, sliding over to pull me down to the leather booth, reaching for me, her eyes warm.

C:/ "So, what's the plan? How you feeling?" she says indicating both of us, but looking in my direction.

"Which one you want first? -the plan or how I'm feeling?"

J:/ "Either, you pick."

I move my hand up and down Dakota's back, looking toward her as I begin. At the last second, I consider she may want to take this one. Ever the improvisor, she reads the gap and jumps in.

D:/ "We have a little bit more time at the waterfront, beautiful, private beach. Heaven. Let me just say." She leaned into me, making eye contact with both the girls, I could feel her smiling, even without looking.

"Then, she's coming home with Me I hope, for a short visit." I added.

C:/ "Which place?"

"Uh, my parents house."

C:/ "That makes sense. More likely her parents will feel better if your parents are there."

D:/ "Then it's adjusting to the lives we both have. We got commitments that are work related, -on the calendar."

It was quiet for a minute. Neither one of us said anything else. Reality had come in and pulled up a seat at the table.

I ran my hand back and forth across her shoulder.

"And, well, uh-" I looked down, not knowing if I wanted to say the next sentence.

J:/ "What's that look?" J queried. She looked me over once, noting the shift in my facial expression. "You're- , getting all shy, all of a sudden?"

It occurred to me, just then, and I hadn't consciously been aware of it before. I looked at her, and shook my head.

"You're gonna laugh at Me-"

J:/ "Yeah, I hope so. The look on your face, just now."

She waited, obviously the last promo event wrapping up, she's giddy, having fun.

J:/ "Geez K, what? What's happening in the moment?"

C:/ "I've seen her do this as You" Cherie says in Joan''s direction, turning toward Me, "but I like it better when you're you."

"At the risk of going romantic school girl- "

"Yeah?" Both of them say in unison.

"I'm really looking forward to being at my house. Hotels aren't the same- " That was all I could string together right then, as my words caught in my throat. Joan reads me and finished my sentence.

J:/ "Hey, of course they're not. You're not the only one. When I was home, that's why I mentioned my Mom dropping by, - a set up for Cherie to join me. Seeing my Mom was just part of it. Hotels aren't the same at all." She shook her head.

She locks eyes with me, a warm smile breaking across her face.

J:/ "You believe this one?" she laments, in Cherie's direction.

"I wouldn't expect anything less from you. And, what's wrong with being a romantic school girl, anyway?"

"-I knew it- , you teasing me about the budget- , you played me"

J:/ "I was messing with you-"

"It occurred to me that you were going down this road, but you weren't even going to throw me even a hint, nothing-"

J:/ "Well, you were on mark with that- , it's better in context anyway, it's better now. The reveal together at the same time, right?"

We looked at each other. Who knew to look at us, we'd be in the same boat.

J:/ "Hotels aren't the same, at all. It's special to bring her home."

"Yeah, I think so too, have her in my bed"

D:/ "Hey! Really!" -she swatted at me, her voice elevated.

I realize how what I just said, sounded.

Immediately wanting the words back "No, I didn't mean '_have_' "

I froze, all the muscles in my face tensing up. A surge of energy shot through me. Joan saw the defensive exasperation on my face.

"I didn't mean- " I protested caught between wanting to reassure 'Kota and looking around the table.

She's waiting- , how was going to talk my way out of this one?

"It's not have like that, it's- " I begin. I can see her skeptical look.

J:/ "Relax, we get it- I swear, for everything I made you both endure- , I'm done. We're done"

Dakota met my eyes, reached for me and leaned in. Her response to my phrasing a reaction. She's going to let me off the hook.

Joan caught all of it, my face, 'Kota's face and began laughing. It accelerated into laughing harder than I think I'd ever seen before. I don't know if it was tension release or what. But, hearing it was good.

J:/ "I had to tease you, you should've seen your face just now-" she spat the words between fits of choking out half sentences.

"You FUCKER" the only words I could get out. I was relieved, finally the nightmare, the scrutiny and all of it, done. And, as she laughed, I couldn't help myself.

I laughed, in exasperated relief more than anything else.

We were both bent over shaking, tension rolling out in deep, frame wracking waves. It felt great.

J:/ "I gotta, uh, Cherie, that look-, just gave, like you, you wanted to just draw back and put a, a fist right, -in-, for a split second- " she was still trying to get more of her words out.

No. Maybe. Yeah. "It's just frustration, I'd never-"

A bit of her composure returns.

J:/ "But, -there's absolutely no way you're gonna. Violence isn't your gig. It's Ok, I did it on purpose, for the humor. Seriously, relax-"

I was still laughing, a deep relief in the moment. My temporarily adrenalin flooded body giving way to feeling the effects of a warm endorphin high.

We gathered ourselves, taking deep breaths.

C:/ "So, how you feeling about all of it? You in the moment, most the time?"

"Yeah. In the moment, absolutely. We both are, but we always were, so, it's the same."

D:/ "So, other than opening weekend box office, -limited goes wide, we're done."

"What do you hope for now that we've done everything we could possibly do?"

C:/ "We see what happens"

J:/ "Well, we want storytelling to reach it's audience. So, I hope to God we've spent wisely on marketing. Equally, artistically we want it to be relatable, accessible."

C:/ "For me, it's the music. It's such a huge part of the story. So, I hope that people enjoy the sound. The energy. The feel."

PAUSE

C:/ "The setting is a look in to a time period- open, edgy, arising out of lots of upheaval, but also innovative. The moon landing, a social permissiveness on a bigger scale than we had ever experienced before. Doors were opening, doors that had been slammed shut for a long time."

She looked around the table.

C:/ "What about you, what's your take?"

"I hope the relationship translates. It's subtly portrayed. I hope others see what I saw in my mind's eye, when I read the script- , it's the heart of the film, I had to have this part."

C:/ "And, you?"

D:/ "I'm thinking about what was unexpected. It's simple, -to both be in it and let go"

She paused and looked at each of us.

"The conventional wisdom is everything happens for a reason, -its about a lesson. I get that. I'm not disagreeing. I like something simpler. Is what's next, accessible? Something that makes letting go worthwhile? It's just the next thing. Not necessarily always learning. Sometimes, it's just living."

J:/ "So true. I like this one" she comments, meeting my eyes. "How'd we not hear this kinda thing from you before?"

D:/ "I'm not the talker in this pairing" she laughs.

"Yeah, she'd have some serious competition too, 'cause- "

J:/ "Yeah, we know, you got a lot to say" she laughs, winking at me.

"Do you want to hear this or are you just- "

J:/ "Of course we want to hear it. Please."

PAUSE

D:/ "Now she feels self conscious" piping up and stating the obvious.

She slipped out from under me and put her arm around my lower back. I leaned into her side.

D:/ "Hey, she's just giving you grief because she's deflecting. We're all gonna walk away. So she's in her head about it, that's what the attitude is."

We all turn and look at D. She had the courage to say what the rest of us have only been thinking.

"Feelings don't go away. Deep connection, people who have genuinely experienced it understand. Beyond ego, beyond a temporary-ness we associate with, well, how jacked up we can be when we want our way."

C:/ "Wanting to control."

"Yes, but, when we slow down or stop and ask why is this in front of me or happening, what's the bigger get? People that are willing to let what already is, be, don't have unrealistic expectations."

D:/ "What, -clarification, please. Can someone get the Kristen to English dictionary. There should be one around here, it's a rider in her contract that anyone who has to converse with her get access to one. Along with a sparkling whatever with lime." She laughed, running her palm down my leg and squeezing gently.

The girls laughed.

J:/ "I get it, I get what you're saying. We can be in it, take what there is to have"

C:/ "And be open for what's next, -always about letting go of fear"

"You're making fun of what I said, -that's cool, I'm an adult with a sense of humor-"

C:/ "No, were not, agreed -all there is, only that, -love and letting go of fear"

D:/ "What looks different now than four cities ago. Before we went through this together?"

C:/ "Sometimes what Joan does is the opposite of what typecasting would suggest. Her appearance can be opposite to how she is. I can't step out of it, I've known her so long- , I forget how it looks to other people, I'm not objective. She's good to me and good for me. I will say, how she is with other people, she extends that to everyone regardless of how they respond to her. She is who she is to everyone, treating everyone the same. I don't know I could be that consistent"

J:/ "Well, not all the same- I don't- "

C:/ "Oh, yeah, true. This morning would change that, wouldn't it?"

Whoooooooosh- What? D and I -our heads snapped around in a split second looking at each other.

The girls laugh between themselves.

Then laughed at our reaction.

C:/ "Whatever thrills you the most" Cherie said moving her hand up and down Joan's lower back.

I look over at Joan, she smiles one hand her palm turned up as in, _whatever_.

We all look at each other, there's quiet at the table.

"Best Unexpected Get from saying yes to this?" I say throwing that topic out into the conversation.

D:/ "Besides this morning" 'Kota quipped in the girls direction, a snicker under her breath.

I looked at the girls. They were rolling their eyes.

D:/ "Besides the clothes?" she says, looking at me.

"That'd be your answer" I ask.

D:/ "No, it's not, unless I get more than one. But, you first" she laughed.

I didn't even have to think about it.

"It's the bond-" I say as my hand motions back and forth in their direction "Based in creativity, deep physical attraction, spanning decades"

D:/ "And, relatable" she adds, making eye contact with the girls.

"Totally. Maybe the accessibility is broader because we got to go back and see the teen versions of them"

D:/ "That'd be a huge part of it, I'd think, yeah. And, they feel like peers even though, they're not"

D: "Yeah, I'm torn, I might pick two or three if we count the clothes, she smiled. "Ok, well, I knew when I read the script I was drawn to the unconventionality, but it was the willingness to fly blind into the unknown

D:/ "Because of the pull to be in it was so strong- " she said.

"Yeah, Totally. All those things together were stronger than the fear- "

PAUSE

"What are you not saying" I prod, feeling like something is unsaid.

D:/ "I'd live a part of that myself. The role being so much different than what I had done before." She paused. Was she done?

"There more?"

D: "Yeah, uh, You would make me want to fly blind into the unknown, -live what I was feeling, in my life" She leaned into my side, her face hidden into the side of my neck.

"Wow Babe, you just upped the game- " I pulled her in close to me.

C:/ "You're not revealing, -Ever. It's stump speech all the way."

J:/ "You got it DOWN. No matter what you get asked, you pretty stick to what ever is predetermined. Or, how it seems, anyway."

D:/ "Yeah, well, press, I'm not giving anything away. Save it for the take, that's when I give. She had emerged to say that, then retreated again.

"Promo can be a huge pain in the ass" I added.

D:/ "This, having her, -the only thing that made it bearable." She smiled.

"Having me- , Really?" I joked -seeing if she'd play along.

D:/ "No, I mean- "

"Relax, I'm just throwing it back at you, for fun" She swatted at me, smiling.

D:/ "I'll get you later" she quipped.

I smile. "I hope so"

D:/ "Press, I've watched what they've done to her, it's just heartbreaking- "

J:/ "-That tide you swim against every day" her eyes cast towards us, but mainly addressing Me.

C:/ "Talent = celebrity = bad behavior"

J:/ "Or that you should want, or create some kind of ego because you've have these opportunities, to utilize that Divine talent"

"I appreciate that, that's kind. I, I never asked for this, -this notoriety. I guess I didn't consider the downside of a bestseller being brought to screen"

J:/ "Really, you didn't think about it?"

"Well, I did, but since I never wanted it, never sought it, figured it'd never materialize with any staying power. Didn't occur to me that I'd sign on for anything beyond the first one. Figured they'd choose someone else for the rest of it. I was Ok with that. I look at one project at a time. I had no idea this was on the horizon. Ever in my most vivid, wildest and most horrific nightmares."

C:/ "Well, I get that. Assumptions and the unwanted attention, it's a parallel to what we've experienced. I didn't want people to speak for Me"

J:/ "Or use language or concepts that were not what we used to describe ourselves. The culture has lost what dignity is"

C:/ "It broke my heart, to realize how misunderstood I constantly felt. Really misunderstood."

J:/ "Yeah, -the silence, the not naming, -not revealing. Sometimes the only defense we have against the out of control machine."

C:/ "And, now we both have less invested around what other people think"

PAUSE

C:/ "which seems could have been a big part of why 'not saying' was vital"

J:/ "Over what we were feeling, that's never easy. Just necessary, sometimes."

"I get it, I, I may have some transparency with my parents, my dad, mostly, I uh- " I didn't finish, but it was so obvious what I meant.

D:/ "I don't have a feel yet for- , I mean, I won't hide- , but I'm not investing in any advertising- "

"We're gonna spend some time together, have some exchange. Circumstances will dictate what happens next. We'll walk through whatever is a middle for both of us"

D:/ "Doing the next thing, and taking the next opportunity- "

She didn't finish her sentence. Neither one of us wants to say out loud-

J:/ "Any two people get to make the rules up as they go along but it's even more so among creatives. Liberal, your art as your job lends a lot to be flexible. You pitch yourself, your skills, you stop and start, travel, uproot yourself.

C:/ "Not just geographically, but outside of you, your life, you step out of all that and become. I get it.

J:/ "I do it. I do it against a set list, 3 minutes at a time. What you both do, to 'become' is so different than almost any other kind of creative, I never really thought about it, until I saw it up close. It blew me away"

C:/ "And, maybe it helps this, and maybe it hinders it, I don't know. Maybe there's not one answer."

J:/ "It's different than how the average person makes a living, those who mostly know what's going to happen, and we have to think differently to do this."

C:/ "You live interpretively, and intuitively, that lends itself to people being outside the box in other ways too! And, you're asked, compelled even to translate, almost"

J:/ "And, it seems that calls for taking a step out, or maybe it's farther 'in', I'm not sure, maybe there's not one answer to that, either."

"What else is in it for you, Joan?"

J:/ "The common dynamics of a typical high school friendship- , the film depicted that, -we liked music, going out, clothes and found a commonality- , I'm very pleased with that, the look and feel, the storytelling, -it was nailed visually, thematically, -those dynamics how important fitting in is at that time in a person's life. A look, being popular, all that, almost a currency. Playing music gave me an identity that became my cache, it was my being popular or whatever."

C:/ "Yeah, seems everyone who contributed seemed to get it, that was done well."

J:/ "It reminds me our difficult, crazy stuff."

C:/ "Sometimes it was painful."

J:/ "We later resolved it, so there's no hesitation now."

D:/ "Well, we probably heard about it as background, but don't keep us hanging- "

Looking over at Joan.

C:/ "We had access, and well, that's it's own gift- "

"Yeah, sure, throw that in our faces" I half scowled.

Dakota swatted at Me, in a good natured way.

D:/ "You're not off the hook, yet." she said.

"What? Seriously?"

D:/ "I'm not used to this, revealing, but here goes. Oh, wait, the short version or the long version?"

"Are you asking me?"

D:/ "I don't know, I guess. I kind of didn't get to finish because we had your dress person and my dress person texting and waiting for us -"

"Well, what got left out?"

D:/ "Better question, isn't this going to bore them to tears?"

"I don't know, I suppose so, maybe."

C:/ "Oh, don't worry about that, we're all ears."

"Hon, hold on. I should step away for a second."

Blackberry in hand, I need to make sure that Dad can run some interference for me.

J:/ "What's that about?" in 'Kota's direction.

D:/ "More likely than not it's about what's next" she says without registering any expression.

I know I have explaining to do later.

~xXx~

LATER

"I get it could be taken that way, I didn't mean it like that" I pleaded.

D:/ "And what else?"

"I don't know, should there be more?"

D:/ "-two more things I can think of, but that's enough for now."

I exhaled, rolling my eyes.

I looked at Cherie and Joan.

"Can't just say Ok and let it go."

They laughed.

"Is this a people thing, or a chick thing?"

J:/ "It's a people thing- " she says with all the compassion in the world in her eyes, directed at D.

C:/ "But it's a young thing, too." her eyes directed at me.

D:/ "Hey, I'm right here, I can hear you" she reminded. Believe me, I hadn't forgotten.

I roll my eyes again. Joan and Cherie laugh.

"Please tell me it's worth it?"

They look at each other.

"It is."

"Later, you and Me. We'll finish this" she states but leans into me, turning halfway into me. I don't know what this is about. But, regardless of some tension, she wants me to hold her, so I do.

Joan laughs giving me a knowing look of _been there, lived through that_.

I shrug my shoulders, and pull 'Kota into me, shaking my head.

"I guess it'll make sense later, right?" I say to neither one of them in particular.

They both looked at me and in unison said "Not necessarily" and laughed.

"I think someone's tired" I say looking at the time on my Blackberry.

~ x X x ~

BACK AT THE BEACH HOUSE

We're walking into the foyer, she's winding down, I could see it while we were sitting with the girls. We had said our goodnights, which were actually goodbyes, but no one wanted to acknowledge it. It'd been a long, emotional event.

I walk her over to the big couch and pull her down to sit with me.

With my arm around her shoulder, coaxing her into my side.

"Mmmm, hey, you tired?"

D:/ "Yeah, that was draining. But not bad- , I mean- "

"No, I get it, it's about the feel- , a lot of emotion at that table, the whole night, really."

D:/ "And, it's all of it, this" she motioned, acknowledging the space between us, including the property, it's atmosphere. Hey, probably just being balanced at the edge of the continent.

There's a moment of quiet, we just sit.

She turns, leans up into me, meeting my eyes. She starts pushing me backwards, slowly. Her eyes are alight, a look I haven't seen yet, not that I can recall. The energy in the room just shifted. My skin, just under my skin, I feel that tingle. The _awake_ signal -, here, now, I'm present. The outside world just slipped away.

She laid down into my side, sliding a leg over mine, while propping herself up on the palm of her hand, her arm bent at the elbow. Feels like we're floating in the middle of this overstuffed furnishing.

She's looking directly into my eyes, that no bullshit look- she's here in the moment with me and something's on her mind.

D:/ "I haven't said a whole lot, about how this feels." She runs her hand from the top of my leg, along my torso and brings it to rest on my abdomen.

"I wanted to, when we were on the beach, messing around in the sand-, kissing and touching. I couldn't, uh, open up for the words. But, I think they're all here now, ready to fall out."

She took a breath but didn't break eye contact with me.

D:/ "You make this look easy when you reveal, like you don't think about it. I'm a bit envious of that, at this second. But, you're You, that and about four hundred things I can think of makes you who you are. I couldn't be more taken with You. How miraculously I got to be here, from A to Z right up to this second. You'd probably spin some metaphysical or Zen whatever to it. And, that's true, it is that. I don't know when it started exactly. Somewhere I saw what I wanted, and kept after it. That next role that took me away from the kid stuff. Not in a dogged kind of way, just open and persistent. It kind of caught up with me a day or so ago when I flashed back to signing on for this, the paperwork. I couldn't believe I got it, well I could but then my mind starting going. Questioning if it was what I perceived it to be. There's always that doubt. Sometimes it's well founded. We got lucky. You seem to realize how lucky we got. It is what we thought. The story, the people, the experience."

PAUSE

"And, biggest surprise of all, You. In front of Me. Looking at me like that. You touch me. You kiss Me. We want each other. And, we have each other. The biggest surprise I could've NEVER anticipated. How natural it feels, like I don't even have to think about it. It just is. If that's what we talk about, the _cosmic voodoo_ whatever, yeah I'm living it. I didn't say a whole lot before when the conversations were happening, just us. Or between the four of us over these couple weeks went that direction. But it was in the back of my mind. I was putting this together. And, I knew I wanted to say it, let the words come to me- , tell you I GET IT. That sensation just under my skin. The power of being in right now. I see and feel it, the long and short of it."

She reached with the hand that had been resting across my abdomen and pulled me toward her slinking it down the small of my back to close up the space between us. And, her signature move, -lips, mouth, warm breath and tongue seeking mine. The words together with the energy in the room- , the kissing- the world stopped spinning on it's axis until we broke apart to breathe.

"And, I want you, and I beyond FEEL that you want Me. It blows my mind. Pure and Simple. There are no words."

PAUSE

She's stopped, just looking in my eyes, up close. Three inches away. My heart is pounding.

"And, we had our rant about how screwed being denied is. I'm glad that it's not unspoken. But, I'm done with that."

PAUSE

"But, letting go's gonna kick my ass."

She leans in and we kiss. We kiss and roll around on this giant lounge. No needing or wanting to manage our feelings or how they manifest. We are free and right on the edge again, breathing, grasping, -electricity sparking alive and well, as much as every other time we've been like this, passionate and up to our necks.

We stop for a minute, catching our breath. She takes this opportunity to ichange it up.

"C'mon, let's go to bed" she sat up and took me by the hand leading me to the master suite. "I want to get outta this drag" she said while she pushed me back on the large bed. "Don't go anywhere, you're next" she said as she grabbed one of the previously discarded top sheets we had been using as robes. She leaned down and kissed me, turned and I watched as she draped the top sheet over one arm and headed for the palatial bathroom.

My head was spinning. Her words, the energy palatable between us just now in this beautiful setting. She revealed. A bit covertly, but it was all her and unprompted. Generous and free in the moment. That was worth waiting for.

I grabbed a top sheet when she returned and headed for the bathroom. I slipped out of my previously oh so carefully assembled ensemble. Leaving it in a pile on the beautiful, marbled tile of the bathroom. Fuck it- I'll pick it up in the morning.

When I walked into the master suite, I noticed she'd lit a candle on each bedside table and was partially sitting up awaiting my return.

D:/ "C'mere" she said, her arm outstretched.

I lifted the double top sheets and unraveled the toga type dressing that was wrapped around me while sliding into the huge bed. I lay 2/3 into her side. The feel of all her bare skin against mine, God, was I going to miss that. We were quiet for a while. I hadn't noticed before how dark it is without streets and street lights. There's grounds' lighting, but it seems like it's shut off. It's pitch black outside. The two candles just barely creating any light. We talked a little bit, hesitantly saying our good nights. I fell asleep listening to her breathe but found myself awake almost immediately. Seems we both were caught in and out of light, easily interrupted sleep. We took turns between being awake, being quiet and having brief, whispered conversations. I don't know how close to dawn it actually was, she woke to me searching in the dark for the box of tissue on the bedside table. It seemed like she could sense that I didn't want a lot of attention drawn to me in all my emotion again. She's seen me cry. Tonight, she held me until the tears stopped. I felt mildly self conscious but she's been here with me -at my best and at my most challenged. Can't let it bother me too much.

- x X x -

LATER

KPOV

D:/ "So, this is your room? Awesome- "

"Yeah, the old room- " I walk over to the bookshelf and straighten up a pile of magazines with papers and stuff strewn across the top.

"The new room, my bedroom at the other house is where I am sometimes- "

D:/ "And, we didn't go there because?"

"it's big and still feels empty, -there's probably no food in the fridge- "

D:/ "And, that would be because- "

"It's something I was advised to do- a write off. I don't feel like I live there, yet"

D:/ "But that's still not the real reason?"

"It's better for your parents, it looks better."

I watched as she took in the space.

"My parents are cool, my brothers might barge in, but they're asleep now. Have been for hours, -it's almost morning."

She didn't ask questions, but was taken with a couple obvious, meaningful objects and personal effects. I was thrilled to be able to reveal that part of myself, to her. It's a whole other experience to have her standing in this room. I'd had enough of staid, impersonal suites for hire, the environments we've been living in. My sleeping family down the hall and on the next floor lends a warmth and there's no doubt, especially because she's here, I'm home. I leaned in to kiss her, standing between the bed and the settee, enjoying the familiarity of being back in this room.

Later we prepped for sleep and crawled in, getting comfortable. I had texted my mom from the beach house and asked her if she could please make sure my bed got dressed in fresh linens. I didn't want to have to do that in the middle of the night. I guess I accurately predicted that this would be about the time we'd arrive. I didn't experience the fitfulness of the last night at the beach house. She seemed to sleep soundly, in my arms.

Later, I woke when my mom tapped on the door, waited, then tapped again. I couldn't move, D was asleep, 2/3 turned into me, her face buried in my neck. Body weight dead against me. I instantly became self conscious but I didn't want to wake her. My heart raced. Mom poked her head in.

Her eyes met my eyes, but she showed no expression.

I motioned her over, and put my index finger to my lips.

She leaned down and whispered in my ear. I nodded trying not to move too much.

"We just went to sleep, -not that long ago, she's pretty out of it, from what I can tell."

Mom waited, -I struggled with not really being awake.

"So, I don't know. -Can you keep the boys outta my room- "

I made a loop of my thumb and forefinger and ran it across my lips to indicate _'no mention of this'_ reinforcing the gesture with the look in my eyes.

Mom smiled, nodded her head and left, closing my bedroom door behind her.

- x X x -

LATER

D spat in the sink, setting down her toothbrush, reaching for the guest towel.

D:/ "I just don't want her to go to any trouble, we missed breakfast and lunch because we got up so late."

"Yeah, but she heard us come in, so it's relative. She knows what this kind of schedule is like. Don't worry about it, if she doesn't want to cook or whatever, believe me, she won't offer."

"I can make what ever is here"

We walked into the kitchen, me trailing a half step behind her.

"Hey Mom" I said, meeting her eyes searching for some type of confirmation that she understood my covert earlier eye contact.

Hello Mrs. - " D started, but my mom interrupted

Mom:/ "I appreciate you being polite, but so formal"

D:/ "Sure, good morning" D said, a shrug and a glance at me.

I walked to the fridge and grabbed the pitcher of juice, two glasses from the cabinet, setting them on the counter. I poured and took one handing the other to her.

I looked at my Mom. She looked at me. My eyes darted from Mom to Dakota, and back to Mom.

D drank half of the juice just as her blackberry rang.

Looking down, "I should take this- " I pointed to the door that leads to the backyard.

"Mom, the dogs aren't back here, are they?" I inquired as I stood between 'Kota and the door to the back porch.

"No, they're with your brothers. She'll be alone out there"

I walked over as she reached for the knob, I touched her arm "-take your time"

I took a seat on one of the high stools at the nook and looked over at my Mom.

My Mom looked at me.

Mom:/ "I'm glad you're home"

While D paced outside, I sipped my glass of juice.

"Yeah, Me too."

Mom:/ "Hey, did you bring the coffee cups out of your room?"

"Oh, yeah right, I'll get 'em now"

I ran taking the stairs two at a time, and came back down at the same pace, slowing as I reached the entry way to the large ranch style kitchen.

I placed the two cups in the right side of the stainless steel sink. At the last second I grabbed my cup and poured from the decanter, wanting more.

Mom:/ "What are you looking for" she asked as I was rummaging around in the restaurant style fridge

"Cream" I said, then saw it on the 2nd shelf.

I glanced toward the backyard, I could see her pacing as she talked.

"You want breakfast?" Mom asked, glancing at me.

I smiled. "I want to wait for her" I nodded in the direction of the backyard, "I want her to have some privacy."

Mom got the subtext of what I meant by that.

Mom:/ "How'd everything go? I didn't catch any of it."

"Yeah, great. Fun. Good to see everyone, as if the time didn't pass since we finished. Exhausting. Tiring. As always."

Mom:/ "And the extra days you took, you sounded happy" she inferred lightly.

"Uh, it was good, great to not have to be anywhere, it was relaxing, -got to sleep a lot"

As soon as the last words were out, I was instantly self aware- , the implication, -wished I could have the words back.

Mom, looked over at me but didn't register any expression.

I glanced toward the backyard, looking for D, she was looking at her watch, and tapping a decorative stone with her foot, that'd found it's way out of the manicured landscaping.

I looked at my Mom, and took a sip of coffee.

I started, "Mom, when you came upstairs, I'm not sure how that looked" I paused. "Things aren't just black and white-" that was all I could get out.

Mom looked at me, waiting for me to finish my thought.

"I mean, it's not an accident that we got the place on the waterfront. Or, that I brought her here. Not her parents house" I paused shifting my weight on the tall stool, looking away briefly and back up to meet her eyes again.

"We wouldn't have been, have been relaxed like this, there- "

My Mom waited "You and Dad think broader"

PAUSE

"Between events, we had time, and, -we had privacy. That one city, no one knew we stayed after the caravans left. It was the smartest choice I ever made" I was in my head at the memory, not that long ago but felt like a lifetime just now.

I exhaled. My Mom's face acknowledging the relief in my last sentence, as I trailed off.

"And, I'm not ready yet- , to let go" my voice gave away the emotion that was rising up, catching briefly in the back of my throat.

I glanced toward the backyard to make sure I could still see her outside. I didn't want her walking into this conversation.

My mom heard the shift in my voice. My looking outside meant I didn't have to meet her eyes.

She didn't look at me, instead busying herself for a few seconds with items on the table in front of her.

She waited for a minute letting what I'd said be between us. Then she walked over put her arms around me.

Mom:/ "Honey, -enjoy your time with her. Your father and I have always told you, trust yourself- , your instincts will always serve you."

"Thanks Mom" I waited for a minute, then pulled out of her hug. I walked to the kitchen door and stepped onto the porch.

D looked up as I walked in her direction. It sounded like she was near done, raising a finger indicating one more minute.

I motioned for her to come in when she was ready.

It was a quick day and a half. We got out a couple times. Drove around, had lunch at a place I like. They tell me before we arrive if the coast is clear. And, we walk in through the kitchen so as to draw the least attention. I love coming to the canyon west of my parents' house. It's real, almost another world tucked away on the edge of this crazy, overcrowded metropolis.

Dinner with my family was what I expected. My brothers whispering between themselves, elbowing each other, snickering. I'll catch up with them later. Pin them to the floor one at a time, until they beg for mercy. Yeah, my payback is in the cards for those two. As soon as I get them alone.

Dad beamed. Well, understated beaming. He gets how important 'Kota being with me here is. He saw the energy between us, her warmth, how she meets my eyes, and reaches for me. It was written all over my Dad's face. Watching him, watching me, be in it. I had asked if he'd called Dakota's Dad to ask if she could visit. Apparently parent to parent is the magic formula. I should get Dad to do more of my bidding.

Sleeping was the best. Dressed in pajamas, now. Well, the best of what there was. God knows my desire isn't any less present. And, she wants me, I can feel it. The stark reality hasn't changed even though the location is familiar. Of course, it was all over too soon.

In my room, we were slowly inching ourselves toward gathering up her things, preparing to leave, unwillingly.

"I'll put your bag in the car, then we'll have some time and not be rushed" I said.

When I returned, she was sitting in the leather overstuffed chair. I walked over to her and motioned for us to move to the chaise.

"Hey, wanna get comfortable with me?"

D:/ "Yeah, like you have to ask?"

I stood in front of her, extended my hand. She goes flush against me, like she each time I hold my arms open to her.

My hands slipped around her neck, her arms around my waist

I looked in her eyes.

I could never get tired of doing this. We had managed pretty well, with the jacked up limits and all that free time at our disposal.

I dropped my hand from around her neck, slid from the top of her rib cage down her side to the small of her back and pulled her in very close, I leaned in whispering.

"Kota -" I couldn't get any words out, I just held her.

I put my lips against hers while I pressed her lower back bringing her closer to me.

She drew in her breath and parted her lips.

My head was spinning. We kissed and touched. I walked us toward the chaise and she laid down with me curled into my side.

We stayed like that for quite some time. This was what I had imagined, our time together spent like this- , being quiet in my room.

Later when I'd looked at the time, the inevitable was upon us.

We kissed and looked at each other, the reality of our lives away from the promo tour beckoning us.

She had promised her parents she'd be home by dinner time so we were due to be leaving.

We headed out of my room, I grabbed a hoodie off a hook near the door.

D:/ "Hey, I want to say goodbye to your mom" as we made our way to the large open area that is mom's office and studio space.

I watched as she leaned halfway into the doorway.

D:/ "We're gonna go, thanks for the invite to stay over."

M:/ "You're always welcome, we'll see you soon?"

D:/ "Who knows. Well, scheduling, - she's hella busy most all the time, Me too, but it's not the same. You know" she didn't say anymore than that.

I walked toward the front door. "Mom" I yelled as I grabbed the keys "I'll be back, I'm taking D home."

M:/ "Do you have your phone?"

"Yeah, I got it."

M:/ "Drive safe- "

"Ok."

We walked toward the car, both alternating between looking at the ground and glancing inconspicuously at each other when the other wasn't looking.

I opened her door and walked around to the driver's side.

I reached for the seat belt and looked in her direction.

She looked up and for a split second, I looked her in her eyes, I reached for her hand.

I felt my left eye twitch, and well up. I reached for the visor and a pair of sunglasses I try to stash there. I slipped them on as inconspicuously as possible.

She was quiet. With anyone else that could've been awkward, but it was Dakota, and I'm Ok with our silence.

We got out of the maze of residential neighborhood streets and started the wind up trekking over a narrow, two lane portion of Mulholland. The expanse of the metropolitan basin, in the distance below us.

When I glanced in my rear view mirror the sun was making it's way to eventually splash into the pacific.

I was resting my hand on the 5 speed gear shift when I felt the back of her fingers brush up against my arm.

I smiled and glanced over briefly, not wanting to remove my eyes from the road for too long. Luckily, but not by accident, this road isn't crowded, at this time of day. I chose this route for that among a couple reasons. God knows there's a always more than one way to get almost anywhere I need to. I think I made the right choice; this ridge that runs east west across the top of this mountain range is beautiful. I like that it's quiet and nearly empty, another vehicle not on this two lane road but every few minutes. Just when I'm aware of the quiet, she begins.

D:/ "Do you know how nervous I was those first few days?"

"Working together?" I query, meeting her eyes for a second.

D:/ "Yeah, even though it wasn't the first time" She paused.

"Well, the previous project couldn't have been more different. That huge crew-"

D:/ "-tons of people around all the time. It seemed like there was always someone that needed you for something."

"Your time went by really fast, I blinked and your scenes were done, you were leaving."

(PAUSE)

D:/ "You're at the center of all that. In almost every scene, narrating, the whole deal. It was tough just to get to say hello and goodnight when my day was done."

"Yeah, it's just how it is. This was so different, -intense, in the best way. A roller coaster -tight schedule. Playing, singing -Learning to be, like a band. -and every day something new."

D:/ "Yeah, I know. Apparently, a lot of things were different, this time" she winked at me and smiled.

"Totally" I said, recalling how we had revealed and the intimacy I felt so graced that we got to share. She feels it. I am free and hoped she could feel it in the vibe between us.

I reached for her hand, squeezing it, while keeping my eyes on the road.

"Kota, I don't know if there are words for how this feels- , it's beyond my breadth of language" as I felt my throat close up. I couldn't squeeze out anymore words.

She was beaming, looking over at me. My heart was full, but I didn't want to cry. I needed to navigate these switchbacks that wound us around huge formations of mountain side. I like the idea of a two lane thoroughfare, in theory. But, I'm cognizant all of a sudden, that I'm responsible for the most precious cargo three people in Brentwood are awaiting to be delivered safely. For a split second I become hyper aware of blind curves and the drop offs on the other side of that twenty four inch guardrail.

I can't get too wrapped up in my longing, just now.

"Yeah, I know. I'm still blown away, if I think about it." She said and I can see her face in my peripheral vision. She's switching between looking ahead of us and looking down at my feet as I work the gas, clutch and occasionally the brake.

It's quiet for a few minutes while we just watch the road and the beautiful mountainous landscaping pass by.

I begin again where we'd left off before we changed the subject.

"It was knowing I'd be opposite you, -I'd seen a decent amount of your work and was blown away. I wondered if I could bring it, and keep up"

PAUSE

I glanced over at her as she shifted slightly in the passenger seat. She let go of my hand and slid her hand across the top of my shoulder, -in the sliver between my back and the seat. She moved it back and forth as she talked, leaning close to me.

D:/ "You were worried about keeping up with Me? Hmmm- I knew you'd match me step for step, I was better because of You, in the moment-

"You gave me what I needed to ascend, that arc, -you made Me better than I would've been"

Emotion just rose up in me.

This, our creating together, the craft and our reverence for it. This was at the heart of what made her special to Me. The other aspects were icing, really. It was this, the shared love for an access. A willingness. An ability to create with someone, one or many. I wanted to explode hearing her put words to it, after these weeks of sharing so much of ourselves. This was the pinnacle.

I was glad I was driving because it distracted me. I wanted to be present, I was elated about what I was hearing.

"So, maybe we can continue this- , I'm only half here because of the driving" I say as I smile and briefly glance over.

It's quiet again. We're just enjoying being together while we wind around these curves.

"I do feel lucky, the girls' history, that story, so rich in ambiguity and contradiction" I let my sentence trail off. I am unsure if I can hold back my emotions at all now. Regardless of the subject. They're up, and the reality of everything is settling in.

D:/ "Yeah, right. This, but not quite. That, but not in a traditional sense. Sometimes I don't know how any of us kept it together. And, watching them now, like- the other night. Still their own unique chemistry and madness.

Yeah, but who isn't right? I glanced over, hoping to catch her eyes.

"Of course" I began. "That's rich human experience. Creativity evolving out of present moment. Not simple or black and white. What we want, how we feel, our channels for expression."

D:/ "Our muses and demons, there's no rhyme or reason at all, to any of it" she finished it up for me.

More quiet.

She still had her hand draped between my shoulder and the seat back. Moving it occasionally, mindlessly. I liked how it felt along with the intimacy of the quiet.

After a few minutes, she broke the silence.

D:/ "So, you're coming for dinner, right? Before three ring circus madness starts up for you?"

I could feel her eyes on my profile.

D:/ "Have what there is to have, show up and do the next thing, -each 24 hours goes like that" she said, smiling. She was quoting me.

"Yeah, of course. How else are your parents going to let me drop by and you know, invite you somewhere?"

D:/ "I was thinking more along the lines of them seeing who I've been spending all this time with. Official introduction."

"I met your Mom already- , didn't I" I queried, sure that we had met once.

D:/ "Yeah, you were in costume, a little bit roughed up and scattered. Your head was somewhere else. That doesn't count."

"It'd probably be a good idea, before she sees a cut of the film- " I felt self conscious suddenly at the idea of seeing her mom. Especially because of what the story line implied.

D:/ "She's already read the script. But, I wasn't really thinking about that. More about in the open. We've been behind a lot of closed doors- , I've had my share for now" she stated, but didn't elaborate.

Her comment and it's sentiment hung in the air like the fading soft scattering of wispy clouds, inching their way across the now almost dusk sky.

D:/ "We get both, I guess. In it and- "

"Being ready for the next thing" I added, even though the words were hard to get out.

We descended the canyon through a beautiful winding residential street. She was giving me turn by turn directions. I'd been here before, but that time we came from a different direction.

Before we got within a couple blocks of her parents house, she suggested we pull over. I smiled at her. Hoping we were thinking the same thing.

She leaned in and brought her lips to mine. Warm breath, lips and the tip of her tongue. I lost myself for a minute before I realized we couldn't just stay parked in front of some person's house in Nichols Canyon.

A few minutes later when we pulled into the driveway, she gave me a smile.

D:/ "I'll text you, before you fall asleep, Okay?"

"Yeah, that's good." I said as I turned off the car so I could get her wheeled suitcases out of the hatchback. She took both and before I could think about it, I grabbed the hoodie and laid it on top of one of the bags.

She looked at me and smiled, struggling for a second before she shook her head and lifted her chin.

"Later Fanning" I tried to smile. I think she could tell.

D:/ "Later Stewart" she said as she turned on her heel and headed for the entryway.


End file.
